Saturday, October 28, 2006

New Trademark Threat for Apple?

Will Jobs and Company be Able to
Beat Something "Bigger Than the Beatles?"

Just when Apple Computer thought the matter was settled, it appears there may be more legal squabling over the "Apple" trademark. The Cupertino-based company most recently defended their iconic trademark successfully in last spring's decision against Apple Records, publisher of the Beatles Music.

However, now a third party is rumored to be considering action. There is now speculation that God is considering making a legal claim, not over the music service, but at a trademark at the very core of the company. At the center of the Almighty's claim is that the word "Apple" was first used as a trademark for His creation, a portable package of frutose, fiber and water that has been in use for thousands of years.

Possibly even more astonishingly, it appears if this case moves to court that God will represent Himself. When asked about this, a spokesperson for the Almighty would only say that God has "very limited access" to lawyers.

Bittersweet Outcome for Apple?
Can God, who never filed for a U.S. Trademark and has never defended the trademark in the past, win a legal battle against the iPod maker? Legal minds are divided on the issue, but it appears in this case, winning may be worse than losing for Apple Computer. Hacker blogs are indicating that God has a "Plan B": If He loses the case, it's rumored that He has already created a virus to infect iPods throughout the world.

Code-named "," the virus works by convincing one of the iPod processors that it is better than the others, which ultimately causes the machine to malfunction and play back a continuous loop of odd, shrieking sounds.

(Thanks to Jim for the great idea behind this post!)

Late Night TV Download...for FREE

I'm really more of a Letterman fan, but hey -- to each their own.

Thanks to the aptly-named Free iTunes Downloads blog for pointing out some classic Tonight Show with Jay Leno bits. Not sure if the clips are up there with Dave's classics like "Man who lives under the stairs" or "Tiger Cam," but the price is right:

Read more and get your FREE Leno bits at Free iTunes Downloads by clicking here.

We now return you to more free comedy...

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Nothing beats that Fresh from the Dryer Scent

Couple of great Ikea Commericals. This first one was listed as "banned" but I don't think it's that bad. I mean, haven't we all done this? Speaking of which, I think hear something in the trunk...

(Uploaded to Google Video by

Still not sure it beats this one...

(Thanks to

Another funny video post...

With Apologies to the Masochists

You know who you are. You've come here before, maybe several times, and tortured yourself by trying to read my blog with Firefox.

Well, the self-inflicted pain of trying to decipher my decidedly un-firefox-friendly layout is over...or at least reduced.

With some help from kind souls at netscape.public.mozilla.general who were kind enough to look at my "trainwreck" of code, I think I've managed to make my blog more tolerable for Firefox users.

It's still a little congested in Firefox, and a little bland to look at (yeah, I know, and to read sometimes), but at least its a little smoother. A whole template overhaul is in order, but I wouldn't hold your breath...

...unless you're in to that kind of thing.

P.S. I also fixed my factorizer code so that my last post should actually show you cool, random facts about me. Sorry for the glitch.

Friday, October 20, 2006

The Stevie D. Factor


(The above random -- generally inane -- thought brought to you by the good kids
at, brought to my attention by A Blog Around the Clock.)

More about Stevie D.:

For the sake of argument, let's agree to the false premise that I'm a member of a private witness relocation program. This blog is the work of one person who makes a promise that at least some of the information here, including parts of this bio, are fictional.

Seriously (yeah, right) I'm just a guy that likes to make fun of things and thought it would be a great blog. Seeing many blogs are bluthering blow-hards crying how their favorite politico is being mistreated, I think I may have been right.

The main purpose of the blog is to write original, funny material, but...well...I've also been known to pass on a few gems from my mailbox and I include frequent video clips that I find funny, because that's what you kids like.

I don't really want your e-mail competing with all the letters I get from the relatives of dead rich people from foreign countries (which take a lot of time...I've been wiring funds to them for *months* and still don't have my check), so I don't post my e-mail address here. To contact me, leave a comment here (or just go around saying what you want out loud to random people and hope for the best).
To really make my day (which is what you're after, right?), add a link to from your blog. If I notice, I tend to reciprocate with a link from here -- after the initial giddiness wears off, that is.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Making the Drive In "Real Time"

(This really is about'll just take me a minute to seque there.)

Now, I swear I don't mean to bring up the weather because your an idiot (although if you go by the odds...), but it's to make a point:

I'm sure you've heard these terms: Wind chill, Humidity Index, "Real Feel," etc.

Remember when the temperature used to be just, you know, the temperature? The thermometer ruled supreme. Whatever that little tube of red said was the temperatute.

Now, the expanding or condensing of liquids is no longer adequate to tell us if it's cold, hot or somewhere in between. I guess meterologist don't think we're smart enough...

...but I think we can figure it out. I mean, they report the temperature, the wind speed and the humitidy, we should be able to figure it out from there.

In case you've been in a box for the past 10 years or so, I'll go over the facts your weather person assumes you don't know:

If it's cold, it sucks...but not as much as if it's cold and windy. Then it sucks more.
If it's hot, that also sucks...but if it's hot and humid, well then you're really screwed.
Ironically, I do think there's one area that could use this "psychological adjustment" approach:

It's those computerized mapping systems. From Google Maps, to Mapblast to high-end GPS systems, these all tell you the distance you'll travel and the approximate amount of time it will take...

...but I don't think that's enough.

They should add variables that will make the trip feel longer or shorter, like these:

The Idiot Effect - This is the amount of extra time your trip will feel like it takes based on the stupidity of the other drivers. Like the number of people that ride in the right lane until the very last minute and then cut across to the exit. Or the percentage of drivers that will ignore turning lanes, opting instead to come to a complete stop in traffic before making a turn.

With this adjustment, a trip through suburban sprawl might take 20 minutes, but with the Idiot Effect (the "I.E.(tm)") it will feel like an hour and a half.

There's also...

The Asshole Effect - Similar to the "I.E.," the "A.E.(tm)" is the amount of extra time your trip will feel like it takes based on people cruising in the left lane going only, say, 2 miles-per-hour faster than the cars in the right lane. Or those jerks that act like they didn't see the flashing yellow arrow and wait to merge until the very last minute. This can multiple the actual time by a factor of 1.5 to 400, and may explain the shorter life expectancies in urban areas like L.A. or DC.

But it's not all bad news. There's also the "Auto Commercial Effect" (or "ACE Time (tm)" for short). This is when you're on a huge, wide road in the middle of a clear weeknight (like I-270 outside of DC) and you can actually move along like the cars on those "closed courses." Even with some attempt to stay near the speed limit, the trip just feels 25 to 50% shorter.

There you have it, my suggestions mapping services could use to help make your travel decisions better informed. They could even have little icons for each effect.

I'll leave the "A.E." icon to your imagination...

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Band Geeks No More

Hot girl-on-girl action, retelling sexy exploits and watching coeds make out with sex toys...
...all while slaves run to refill your beer. Something from a big fraternity party? Nope.

It's the band.

And I don't mean some heavy metal megaband or a bling-sportin' hip hop star. I mean the wool suit wearin', tuba carryin' College Marching Band. In this instance, the one at the University of Wisconsin.

Now, like many of you, I feel shocked and amazed.

And cheated.

As a former band geek, I have to admit that the whole band bus thing was one big pit of raging hormones, but having the desire seemed to be much different than having the chance to act on it. Trust me. No matter how trained we were at our tonguing technique, it never seemed to impress the ladies. Especially when you were sporting a poor fitting military jacket and spats.

Has the marching band become cool? Apparently. It's so cool at UW that other athletic groups pay extra to ride in seperate buses. The only reason our football team ever wanted to ride seperate was because we were, you know, the band.

Of course, even with pledges, pranks and Floutist-Gone-Wild escapades, the band probably still won't get the respect it deserves. Sorry, but the world at large still thinks of marching bands as something to fill in the time while the team huddles up at half-time.

Band groupies (i.e. marching band alumni) insist it's a sport, but if the rest of the world felt that way the band wouldn't be wearing wool uniforms on hot Saturday afternoons. I mean, there's more high-tech equipment on your average football team than on Apollo astronauts, but the best the band gets is a new flavor of chapstick. Oh, and if it was really treated like a sport, you think it'd get covered somewhere on one of the eight ESPN channels.

Maybe that's what it is. Most college band members have four to six years of game days spent being ignored and ridiculed before they start their college experience. If you manage to make a love connection under the watchful eyes of high school band chaperones, the romance is over once the lights come on and you realize your hooking up with, well, someone from the band.

So you get to college, you get a little unsupervised power, and you unleash it -- in wild hedonistic ways.

The next time you see a band bus swaying back and forth in the parking lot, it could just be some pent up frustrations busting loose...or it could just be the tuba section walking up the aisle. Either way, it's not something you want to see.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Goin' South of the Beltway

Like the piercing green eyes of a nubile young page, the Foley Page Scandal continues to haunt the vaulted (and possibly sticky) halls of Congress.

Recent reports indicate that members of Majority Leader Hastert's office were told of inappropriate conduct by Foley long before he broke down and left congress, but Hastert continues to deny being told.

I know, two politicians both obviously telling the truth and yet somehow disagreeing... boggles the mind.

My theory? The only explanation is that it was a simple misunderstanding.

For instance, when Foley's ex-chief of staff allegedly warned Hastert's cheif of staff , maybe he left a message that read something like this:

"Please tell the House Leader I'm concerned,
Mark Foley seems intent on bending over pages."

In this case, if Hastert saw the message, he would've thought that Congressman Foley was, at worst, molesting the sheets of a house bill, not trying to get under the sheets with page William.

Or, if Congressmans Rodney Alexander's chief of staff left a message that read something like this:

"Be advised:
Rep. Foley unusually interested in
'below the belt' activities."

See, this could have been interpreted to mean that Foley just wanted to spend some time south of DC, like down in Virginia -- instead of spending time in DC down on...
...well, you get the idea.

Of course, Foley has checked himself in for alcohol addiction, as if booze was behind his problem.
Personally, I don't think alcohol can be blamed for causing an otherwise hetrosexual to start liking young men. I mean, if that was true whenever a group of men started drinking beer they'd end up watching a bunch of sweaty, muscular men running and jumping...

...wait a second. Maybe Foley's on to something.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Another Special Interest Group?

Well, the elections are only a few weeks away, so the Democrats are trying to gain control and the Republicans are trying to distance themselves from the President and every page boy's #1 fan, Mark Foley.

With every vote needed, I'm sure the candidates are courting all the fringe voters, like this group:

I know, I know -- you're out there saying "that's mean." Hey, I'm just joking around; I really don't mean to offend anynoe.

Seriously, I'm just making a joke (it's what I do).

But you know what I think is offensive to people to with dyslexia...

...calling their condition DYSLEXIA. I mean, that's like a 28 point Scrabble word right there. They don't even use that word at spelling bees. Homeschooled kids spell it wrong.

All I can figure it's done to gather sympathy. You're there, reading about people who get the letters mixed up when reading and you come to it:

" d-i-c-l... damn this sucks!"

If there was ever a condition that needs an acronym, this is it. I suggest we rename dyslexia something like "Scrambled Syllable Simplex," you know, "SSS" for short.

That way, when someone with dyslexia has to read about it, they get to "SSS" and get it right on the first try. You know, kind of a confidence builder.

Click for more funny posts...

Monday, October 02, 2006

What Office Guys With Mullets Dream of...

Originally found this at and found this German office paper commercial, but something happened with the I managed to find it over via YouTube (how's that for dedication?). It's short, witty and funny, so it was worth the work.

So, why do Americans have to wait until the Superbowl to see ads this funny? sigh...

(To send this to someone who could use a laugh, use the envelope icon below.)

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