Tuesday, October 28, 2008

If the Train's on Time...

Well, judging by the crap in the mall, it's time to bypass Halloween, Election Day, Veterans Day and Thanksgiving and head straight into the Chris-er "Holiday" Season. You know, we say Holiday Season so we can include all the Winter Holidays...because imagine the missed sales if we offended the people out doing their Winter Soltice shopping.

Anyway, not to be left behind, I wanted to post a funny video, apparently from ItTastesFunny.com, that was sent to me by long-time sufferer/reader Bob:

(Yes, there are more funny videos here...either click on the "video" tag below or in the list on the left. Or, for the latest post(s), click here.)

Thursday, October 23, 2008

This Just In: Congratulations McCain

For Immediate Release:
Fox News has just declared John McCain the winner of the 2008 Presidential Election.

New York - With 11 days to go until election day, Fox analysts, with help from consultants Karen Hughes and Karl Rove, have declared the election over and John McCain the winner in a "landslide."

"It was really unavoidable at this point, it would've been irresponsible of us not to call the election," explained Fox spokesperson Sarah Eisenhower Goldwater-Nixon.

"First we eliminated states that were, in our expert opinion, going to see unprecedented voter fraud in this election - if it were allowed to occur. Based on our analysis, the following states votes would be loaded with fraud and should not be counted: California, New York, Illinois, Michigan, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Maryland, Illinois, Vermont, Delaware, and Oregon."

"Oh and Florida, we never count Florida."

When asked why all the states eliminated were states where Obama was shown winning, Goldwater-Nixon replied, "That's not true. We also threw out Alaska because, well, seriously, what do those people know?"

She continued: "We then removed the likely votes from groups that are normally purged from voter registrations...a process we like to call 'the Jeb Bush doctrine.' Minorities, immigrants and anyone with a vowel at the end of their name is considered to be a fraudulent or suspect registration and is removed. After this process, the results clearly indicated Obama would lose in the election...if it were to be held...which would be ridiculous."

She indicated that it was irresponsible of the Obama campaign to ask for a real election in light of their "fair and balanced" decision of the outcome. "Why have all these people take time away from their jobs and use fuel to go out and vote when we've already told you who's be selected? This is obviously another instance where our oppon- I mean Senator Obama shows his disregard for the environment and the working class."

The Fox spokesperson denied accusations that this all seemed to make it too easy for McCain to become President: "It would seem that way, but to be honest we almost chose Bush again."

(Like it? Digg it!)
Looking for more? Pick your flavor of comedy: Political, Spoofs, or a little Eye-Candy.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Hyrdogenated Fear

Breaking Fake News:

Sarah Palin
is expected to announce tomorrow a new allegation against Democratic candidate Barrak Obama. In a leaked teleprompter script, it appears Palin will pile on Obama:

"My friends, I am sad to say that our opponent has been silent on new allegations we have heard that he contains up to 80 percent trans-fats. Now I don't know about you guys, but in Alaska we don't like trans-fats in anything, and we certainly don't want them in the White House!

[pause for applause and cheering - continue after redneck threatens violence or uses racial slur.]

Now, the left would have you believe our opponent is right for America, but we know better don't we? It doesn't take a fancy degree or a bookcase of books...

[pause to allow part of crowd to boo books]

...or a bookcase of leftist non-fiction books to know that trans-fats cause the cancer. Is that what you want? Cancer? John McCain and I know you don't want cancer, and that's why we're working so darn hard to get the word out. I just don't understand why our opponent has been so silent on answering these charges. I guess for that one and his kind it's patriotic to raise taxes, but not to be honest with the country that you're loaded with cancer-causing trans-fats!

[wink at audience, pause for applause]

[Improvise ending, be sure to include "Maverick," "terrorist," and "drill, baby, drill;" work in "Ronald Reagan" if possible. Complete sentences optional.]

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Grumpy Old Anchors

Yea, I know this is dated, but I heard the audio today on Stern and had to find the video:

Friday, October 03, 2008

It'll Hit Her Like a Rock

It's a sad day in Bedrock:

Like it? Then Digg it, damnit.

For more eye comedy, click here.
For the all the latest lame bits, click here.

You know they probably have a lot of customers within view...

So, I just looked at the receipt from a recent trip to the Washington Monument, and it clearly states "Washington Monument Not For Resale."

But with a $850 Billon "Rescue" plan in the works, maybe it's time to rethink that...

I mean, not selling the whole thing - although that would be a real easy apartment building to find - but maybe just the naming rights.

I can see the new sign now:

Welcome to the Viagra Monument.
Please note that it may take up to one hour to get all the way up.
Also, if you remain at the peak for 4 or more hours, please contact your physician.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Mail Call: Dealing with a Difficult Child

Haven't forwarded anything from my e-mail in a while, but this one made the cut. Again, I didn't write it, but I thought it was worth sharing:

Most of the American population thinks it improper to spank children, so I have
tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car
ride and talk. Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the
time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car
ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.

I've included a photo
below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the

Scroll down...

This works with grandchildren,
nieces, and nephews as well

To Digg it, click here. For more comedy about the thrills of raising children, click here (or on the kids tag below)

Did you write it? Know who did? Send along a comment with the info and I'll give credit where it's due...

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