I know I'm due for an original post, but just hold your friggin' horses.
In the mean time, I wanted to share a vid that regular reader Rick sent in:
more later, I promise.
Showing posts with label mail call. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mail call. Show all posts
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Thank You Thank You Thank You
Received this recently from a dedicated reader (I know, I know you're thinking you were the only dedicated reader -- don't worry, it's still a pretty exclusive club). Not sure where this started (I have a feeling it grew and developed as it moved around -- you know, like the flu), but it's something I had to share with everyone (you know, like the flu):
-----------------------------------------------------------------------Again, thank you Rick for sending this along...
To all my friends....
As 2008 comes to an end, I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels...or how he pushed the buttons.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose...although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. Of course, I probably can't remember because all the metallic wrappers have given my Alzheimer's.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a poor, sick Penny Brown who is about to die in the hospital...for the 1,387,258th time.
Of course, all my money troubles will be over soon, when I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat fast food chicken because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
Of course, I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper either, since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer accept packages because the delivery people are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites me.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.
Now, if you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's bowling partner's beautician.
Oh, by the way...
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(Like it? Digg it, damnit!)
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
If the Train's on Time...
Well, judging by the crap in the mall, it's time to bypass Halloween, Election Day, Veterans Day and Thanksgiving and head straight into the Chris-er "Holiday" Season. You know, we say Holiday Season so we can include all the Winter Holidays...because imagine the missed sales if we offended the people out doing their Winter Soltice shopping.
Anyway, not to be left behind, I wanted to post a funny video, apparently from ItTastesFunny.com, that was sent to me by long-time sufferer/reader Bob:
(Yes, there are more funny videos here...either click on the "video" tag below or in the list on the left. Or, for the latest post(s), click here.)
Labels:
commentary,
mail call,
video
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Mail Call: Dealing with a Difficult Child
Haven't forwarded anything from my e-mail in a while, but this one made the cut. Again, I didn't write it, but I thought it was worth sharing:
To Digg it, click here. For more comedy about the thrills of raising children, click here (or on the kids tag below)Most of the American population thinks it improper to spank children, so I have
tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'
One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car
ride and talk. Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the
time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car
ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.
I've included a photo
below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the
technique.
Scroll down...
This works with grandchildren,
nieces, and nephews as well
Did you write it? Know who did? Send along a comment with the info and I'll give credit where it's due...
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
People Like Me, They Really Like Me
I'm really honored that David Plouffe took time off from running the Obama campaign to research just how popular I am:
But wow, I didn't even know I'd met two million people - and I'm sure I've pissed off some of them...especially if they've read my blog.
Either way, I'm impressed. Still, it'd be a nice if a few of them followed me over at twitter...
Not that I'm desperate or anything.
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Don't Try This at Home
Seriously, this is a good way to get a divorce, a bullet to the head, or both. It's very wrong, but it is pretty damn funny:
This found it's way to my mailbox, so thanks for sharing "M."
Friday, July 25, 2008
Don't Stop...Run
Friend of mine pointed this out to me. It's like Dilbert for the real world (and, sadly a little too real):
Labels:
business spoof,
mail call,
priceless,
video
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
The Scene of the Crime
Received this ad via e-mail. If you've seen it before that's just too damn bad -- pass it on to someone who hasn't.
It's a fiat commercial, and it's friggin' hilarious:
You can send it along by clicking on the envelope icon below...
Friday, August 24, 2007
Priceless Pokemon
My wife kicked this one my way, which is good because I've been a little lacking in the funny recently (my bad, I'll get back to it soon...I swear).
Anyway, the piece is actually an eBay item. Nope, not the one where the guy's naked reflection is in the tea pot.
It's even better...
Pokemon Cards at the Store...$3.00
Pokemon Cards sold on eBay...$142.51
Reading about the trip to get the Pokemon Cards? That's Priceless
Click here to see the infamous pack of Pokemon Cards that are probably worthless, and the story behind them that is worth every penny.
Monday, July 09, 2007
Mail Call: The Man of the People
I received this joke via e-mail -- apparently it's a classic (which I'm reading as "public domain"). Here's my version:
Of course, the Bible tells us that Jesus was Jewish. But even if it didn't, there are 3 good arguments to back it up:
1. He went into His Fathers business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin . . . and his Mother was sure he was God.
It's also been said that Jesus was Black -- and there are 3 good arguments to support that as well:
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial
...but then are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil
But wait, there's more. There are also three equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
Surprisingly, there are even 3 good arguments that Jesus was a woman:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do.
(As for me, I'm just hoping Jesus appreciates a good joke...)
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