Take a Flying Dive

Have you tried to fly anywhere recently? With the new security regulations, it's like shopping on Black Friday just to get on the plane.

Now, I'm all for security, but I think the time we spend in line is really our own fault. I mean, we all know the rules, we know all the processes, do's and do not's, but we still show up with our pockets full of keys, change and nail-clippers; a pda/cellphone/mp3 player/GPS-laden belt like something out of the old Batman series; three layers of clothes; pens; jewelry; etc.

Basically, most travelers show up at the gate with enough junk to let McGuyver build a working space station. Somehow, no one shows up at the grocery store with a pen for their check, but they show up at the airport ready to infilrate Dr. Evil's secret lair.

Here's my idea to make the whole check-in process easier on everyone:

Add a waterpark to each airport: pools, waterslides, the works...maybe even some tanning booths.

Then you'd show up, check your clothes with your bags, and splash around until it's time to board. When your flight is announced, you towel off, slip on some flip-flops and make that smakity-smakity noise right through security. Except for a few odd piercings, there's not much left to set off the metal detectors.

Of course, like everything else about flying, there'd be different amenities for different flyers. First class flyers get cabanas and in-ground wave pools while they wait, coach flyers get above-ground pools and a couple lawn chairs, and economy flyers get to splash around in a few sprinklers out on the tarmac.

Now everyone gets on the plane quickly, everyone's refreshed and - special bonus - everyone's bathed. And heck, if there's an emergency, everyone's ready for a water landing.

[10.02.06 Update - Seems someone else had a similar "immodest" proposal]

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The Positive Effects of Nicotine

Looks like this lil' Superstar's secret is exposed (watch the end)...

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So...how 'bout this weather?

Have you ever noticed that when you bump into someone you know, but not well, that you default to talking about the weather.

Your "nonversation" starts with something like "So, it sure is hot/cold/dry/wet today," and then goes to "yea, I hope it's cooler/warmer/wet/dry tomorrow."

It's like we default to some conversational lowest common denominator. Basically you're saying "I can't trust that your smart enough to talk about anything besides the most menial of observable facts."

So you turn to the weather.

How about we raise the bar a little? Give the people we bump into something to take home and scratch their heads about. The next time someone comes up to you and starts one of these nonversations(tm), avoid the comments about the weather and try something like this:

Insipid Passerby: "Hey, what's up?"
You: "Well, I'm not dead."
Insipid Passerby: "Um...yeah, I guess so."
You: "Hey, you're not dead yet, either..."
Insipid Passerby: "Um, no. Well...see you around."
You: "Unless I die."
Insipid Passerby: "um, ookay..."
You: "...or if you die."

Not only have you given them something to think about...chances are next time you pass them in the hall they'll just look the other way.

Now, if the weather is what we default to when we bump into people that might be idiots, what does that say about the weather reports on TV? I mean, they give us five minutes of "weather forecasting," where four-and-a-half mintes is reporting the weather that's already happened. What the f*ck is with that? Why would I care what the weather was like earlier? What can I do with that information?

Then they get to my favorite part: what the weather is like right now. I mean, this is really useful information, unless, of course, you have either a window or a door. Then I'm pretty sure you could figure it out for yourself.

Then they have 15 seconds or so to tell me all the weather that's forecasted for the next seven days for every hole in the ground within 150 miles of the studio. After treating us like idiots for most of the last five minutes, now they expect us to have the razor sharp attention of a meth-addicted air traffic controller.

I say screw it, keep an umbrella handy and deal with it. I sure hope it's cooler/warmer/wet/dry tomorrow.

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A-MAZE-ING!

Just a quick link. Click below for a zany maze done in flash:

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Joke: The Farmer and the Watermelon Patch

Here's my version of a joke I heard (or received) about a farmer trying to outsmart some local teens. Enjoy...

There was this one farmer who, among other things, grew an annual crop of watermelons. For years he had great crops of watermelons, but then slowly he noticed that local teenagers were sneaking into the patch overnight and helping themselves. First to a few, then a few more, then dozens would go disappearing in the night.

Finally, the late night thievery got so bad the farmer couldn't take it anymore. He thought about what he could do to put an end to it without a lot of cost or work on his part. Finally it came to him...

With a wide smirk on his face he took an old piece of plywood from his barn, painted his message on it in big letters and hung it at the entrance to the watermelon patch. The sign read:

"THIEVES BEWARE! ONE of the WATERMELONS in this patch is POISONED!"

Happy with himself for coming up with such a plan, the old farmer walked back through the watermelon patch to this house.

The next morning, he got up and walked back out through the patch. Sure enough, not a single watermelon was missing. His smile spread and he was whistling to himself until he got to his sign.

There, next to his plywould sign was a cardboard one with a message in black marker:

"DEAR FARMER...NOW THERE ARE TWO."

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