Friday, May 18, 2007

The Gritty Truth

Like many of you, I was so distraught at the thought of young Paris Hilton facing jail time that I went on a four-day bender of booze and, of course, candy.

So, after 90-plus hours of drinking tequila and eating malt balls I woke up on windy stretch of beach with a pounding headache, a blood sugar level in the thousands, and a boot print on my chest. Wandering into a local bathroom to wash up, I thought about how, like so many of today's celebrities, my life could become tragic if I didn't see the err in my ways.

As I splashed water on my face and washed off the scent of that cross-country bus I got on during day two, I decided it was time for me to take my life in a new direction... quit free-basing alcohol and high-fructose corn syrup products, and - who knows - maybe stop kicking people sleeping at the bus station just to "see what happens."

I was ready to adapt, to improve myself, to correct my path.

...and then I saw the sign.

"No Changing Allowed in the Bathroom."

I figured these 4" blue vinyl letters were a sign (and, yes, it was a sign - about 2 feet high and 3 feet wide - but also a figurative sign) from fate not to be argued with.

So here I am again drowning my sorrows in gin and peanut brittle...and I can't help but think:

Will David Hasselhoff recover from his latest video-taped rant?

...and... that guy over there asleep or dead?

Only one way to find out.

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