Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Laugh 'til it hurts

I know they have their own site, but if you missed this on Funny or Die, it's worth taking a look...

No one asked me, but...

I think the world would be a batter place if people were more passive aggressive, but I guess they can do whatever they want. I'm just saying...

Saturday, September 19, 2009

This'll have to do...

For a while now I've wanted to post one of the infamous (or maybe non-famous) Robert Smigel bits from Comedy Central's TV Funhouse
(it ran back in the twilight of the last century): the one about the boy suppressing his "natural urges."

But alas YouTube and Hulu came up short, so you'll have to settle for this:

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Take 2 and call me when you peel yourself off the ceiling

So it appears I've got a cold, which, you know, we still don't have a cure for.

Of course, if my cold should make me bald, we've got a cure for that.

Or if my cold should make me impotent, there's a cure for that too.

Basically, if my cold turns me into a 60 year old executive, I'm covered.

Now, while we can't seem to find a cure for the cold, I'm glad to say that we have done a bang up job hiding the symptoms. We've got aspirin, ibuprofen -- and the Godfather of all cold medicines:


Now, to be honest, I'm not sure anyone really knows if NyQuil makes you feel better. All they know is that they took NyQuil and don't remember anything after that.

As for me, I'm on Sudafed, my absolute favorite cold medicine. One little red pill takes me from sniffling and moaning straight to bright eyed, bushy-tailed and frantic.

Honestly, sudafed works so damn well on it's own that I think the folks that use it to make Meth are just getting greedy.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Driven to Distractions

So, I was gonna go to the DMV today, but I accidentally showered and shaved this morning...so I'll have to wait a couple of days.

Have you noticed this? Everyone in line in the DMV looks like they clearly need a license, because it's apparent they've been walking - without a comb, change of clothes or a mirror - for the past week or so.

What I don't get are the statistical odds. I mean, just about everybody needs a license, which means that after a few visits you should eventually see a few more folks that looked like they had a job, home - or anywhere besides a meth clinic - to go to after their time in motor vehicle purgatory. But somehow I always dodge those folks....

I think if a sociologist from an alien race studied your average DMV waiting room he would have to deduct that we have maximums on the IQ and income of people we give licenses to. And the good news is, an alien wondering around the DMV probably wouldn't even seem out of place.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Holding Class with the President

So everyone's been talking about the President's speech to school students, and opinions are everywhere...

One Fox News viewer was initially excited that about the event, until someone explained to her that "indoctrination" did not, in fact, mean that listening to the President would make her son a doctor.

Of course, some publicly-funded schools couldn't afford the TV's or computers necessary for today's live speech. At these schools, students were encouraged to sit quietly and watch the speech on their iPhone or BlackBerry.

And students themselves are also commenting on the President's speech. One high school senior was really looking forward to the speech, explaining that he's "stoked to see Bill Clinton on TV - I love that guy." A sophomore at a second school said that she would also watch the speech, but under protest: "No matter what he says, I'm voting for Bush in the next election...I already mailed in my ballot and everything."

In a more drastic move, a group of students at one Montana school feel that the President has gone to far. "If this continues, we've decided to defect," explained the groups leader, "we'll all leave the country and move to New Mexico."

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