Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Waiting on the Writing, Part II

Well, even though I did the Top 10 spoof, the folks over at lateshowwritersonstrike.com offer a much better reason to give writers their props:

You know what they say, a picture is worth a thousand words...

...which earns your average writer about half a cent when it's on DVD.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Obama Prize Patrol

Barack Obama announced the other day he has a plan to fix our educational system...

...for the low low price of 18 Billion dollars.

Really? I mean, how hard is it to plan when you start with the assumption that you can spend 18 billion dollars?

Think about it -- think about the biggest problem you have. Hell, think about the biggest problem your whole state -- or the whole country -- has. This side of international crisis and disease, I'm thinking most of them can be helped pretty easily with an extra 18 billion dollars or so.

In fact, I'm really hoping Obama didn't spend much time on the rest of the plan.

If you're gonna pledge to spend eighteen billion dollars to fix something, that pretty much says it all. Instead of a stump speech, he should just show 'em the money.

"Obama, what would you do about the education crisis?"
"I'm glad you asked. Here's what I've come up with...."

...and then Ed McMahon could come out with the over-sized check and the balloons.

Now, I know government programs are on a whole different scale than the rest of us are used to. I remember the $700 wrench and the $1000 toilet seat -- but even at that $18 "B-Large" is a lot of scratch.

For instance, for a few 100 million dollars you could hire teachers like the plucky, naive women played by Hillary Swank in Freedom Writers. But with 18 times that much you could actually get Hillary Swank to go from one under performing school to another, convincing students to pull themselves up...and to maybe take up boxing.

Screw that, you could take the kids to see Hillary Swank -- little change of pace might do 'em good, and heck, we're tossing around 18 billion anyway.

There's an old joke about an engineer, a chemist and an economist stuck on an island with canned goods and no way to open them. After the others explain how to open the cans, the economist describes his theory:

"First, let's assume we have a can opener..."

Obama, I'm not sure you'd make a good President - but you're one hell of an economist.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Quick Brake

I'll assume that by now, everyone's heard jokes about those "Slow Kids Ahead" signs.

(If you haven't, they're roadside signs to warn children that children might be in the road...
... not predictions for the outcome of the No Child Left Behind act).

Well, I saw an even better sign the other day:


Now, this is either...

(a) the most honest construction area sign ever
(b) the work of a woman in the sign shop with a sense of humor or
(c) the worst possible advertisement for a Disability Employment Program

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Waiting on the Writing

Just one man, making a comment on the Writers' Strike.

Here's hoping for a resolution soon...

But wait, there's more!

Strange Bastard Offspring

Are you like me? Do you spend late Tuesday nights wondering what would happen if Family Guy and Kids in The Hall mated? And what it Kids in The Hall took a LOT of illicit drugs during the pregnancy?*

Well, wonder know more. Meet Old Gregg...

But wait, there's more:

*Yes, I considered KITH to be the woman in the relationship. I mean really, was it even up for debate?

Speaking of strange men in drag, a special thank you to Mike for finding these disturbing little films.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Sad but True

Sorry, but someone had to say it...

To send this along to your favorite GOP supporter, click on the envelope icon below.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Taking it off

Today President Bush sent a clear message to Pakistani President Musharraf that it's time to "take off the uniform."

You gotta admit, it's not everyday the leader of the free world tells someone to take off their clothes...

...well, at least not in the last decade or so.

Of course, he also said that "we believe strongly in elections."
At hearing this, several members of the administration laughed so hard they peed.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

The Power of the Spoken Word

I hope I don't get sued.

The other day I heard an ad for a "program" you can pay for that teaches you the right vocabulary to use with your unruly children. From disobedience to ADD, you'll learn what to say to your child to end their disruptive behavior immediately.

I wondered what these magic words were...and then it came to me. I don't want to give away their trade secret, but I bet it goes something like this:

After your teen finishes breakfast, just as they run out the door, give them this note:

"Dear Son/Daughter - I put a poison in your breakfast. I'll give you the anecdote tonight...
...if you behave."

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