Saturday, August 30, 2008

It's too late to 'poligize

Ok, ok - so I was wrong about McCain's VP selection. I apologize to all of you, and specifically to those who placed bets based on my predictions:

John: I'm sure you can move in with your in-laws...or maybe your friend will let you rent back your old house

Kendra: Cheer up - just because he could post those photos on the internet doesn't mean he wi - oh wait, there they are.

And finally...

Jimmy D: When you go to Mike's to pay up, just remember that there are guys that pay to do it can't be THAT bad.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Bad Water Farmer, Bad Water Farmer, Watcha Gonna Do...

Just wanted to put up a quick link to one of the funniest things I've seen in a while:

Hasbro's new "Awkward Moments in Star Wars" line.

The first new item is (this is literally on the box)...

..."Disturbance at the Lars Household."

I can hear the audio now:

[gravelly stormtrooper voice] Stormtrooper: What seems to be the problem?

Lars: I work hard all day and I just want to come in and relax, without this biatch gettin' all in my face! [evil glance at Beru]

Beru: All I want is for you is to go put a cover on the land speeder in case it rains! Is that too much to ask?!

Lars: In case it RAINS?! Are you out of your [bleep] mind? We have TWO suns, no ozone, oh, and a billion acres of [bleep] SAND. It ain't gonna rain, damnit! [bleep] this, I'm going to the cantina.

Stormtrooper: Mr. Skylwalker, you're going downtown, but not to the cantina. Now, just come with - wait, where did he go?!

Beru: He ran out the back tunnel [turning towards tunnel] LIKE A [bleep] COWARD!

Still, I have to agree with most of the other bloggers: the brother-sister kiss will probably be the centerpiece of the "awkward" line.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

McCain's Running Mate - A Modest Prediction

Rumor is Senator John McCain will "leak" his choice of VP this evening, and while I don't think people of the Senator's age should use the verb "leak," I do want to go on record with my predictions before the big event.

So, if you're getting ready to call in your bet, here are my guaranteed* predictions on the GOP Vice Presidential Candidate:

1) He will be a he. (See, that cuts down the possibilities by roughly 52% right there.)
2) He will be younger than McCain.
3) While he may be white, he will not be as pale as McCain.
4) He will be more conservative than McCain...or at least more conservative than McCain was before he was "Pre-emptive Nominee McCain."
5) He will seek out the help of...but secretly loathe...Karl Rove (oh no, wait, that's McCain himself).
6) In a twist of logic, he will call the candidate that hasn't been in Wedding Crashers a "celebrity."

...and finally

7) He will most assuredly have never read this blog. (Granted, this last one doesn't really help.)

So, go place your bets. If you win big, tell your friends you read it here first. If you lose, well you shouldn't really bet on Presidential politics...'s too easy to rig.

(*The term "guarantee" in no way implies a certainty, reliability or...well...guarantee of any kind.)

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Biden My Time

So Obama finally announced that Joe Biden from Delaware is his choice for VP.

It was a controversial decision on many reasons, including that the Obama campaign can no longer play the "bald card" against McCain.

Did you know that Senator Biden had brain surgery back in the 80's? For a politician that's a real risky procedure. With any trauma to the brain there's a chance that the patient can come out of it a Republican.

Of course, Biden's not popular with everyone. When asked what he thought of Obama choosing a running mate from Delaware, Bill O'Reilly replied:

"It figures Obama would pick a foreigner."

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Quick Note to Parents

Now, I don't want to sound like some New Zealand Judge, but...

...if you want your daughter to have credibility when she grows up,

you shouldn't name her Pigeon.

But then again, for your son, you may want to avoid John as well.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Pedal, pedal, pedal

So, I'm thinking you send away for this kit...

...and get a package of waterproof tape and a rudder for your car.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Beware Flying Printers

I deserve a raise. You know why? Because I am a damn fine document feeder. You know who doesn’t deserve a raise? The person that designed my printer.

You know why?


Now, let’s suppose you wrote “SUCKS” on five sheets of paper and then tried to fax it, scan it or copy it to explain how you feel about your printer.

Here’s what you’d get:



Please clear and reload.

…and by the by, I’m being kind on the U – it usually doesn’t make it all the way through the second page.

Now, if the thing that looks like a document feeder, takes documents like a document feeder and then proceeds to jam is actually an Automatic Document Jam tray, then I apologize – it’s working just friggin’ beautifully.

Or, if it’s supposed to be a spoiler than it’s not bad either. Of course, the only way to find out for sure would be to make the printer move at a high velocity and see if the spoiler keeps it from leaving the ground…

…which gives me an idea.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

People Like Me, They Really Like Me

I'm really honored that David Plouffe took time off from running the Obama campaign to research just how popular I am:

But wow, I didn't even know I'd met two million people - and I'm sure I've pissed off some of them...especially if they've read my blog.

Either way, I'm impressed.  Still, it'd be a nice if a few of them followed me over at twitter...

Not that I'm desperate or anything.

Monday, August 11, 2008

For the Bathroom that has Everything...

...except a really high creep factor. Any one of these unique gift items should take care of that:

I'd love to say that these were one of a kind, but not only were there several of each, there were multiple versions of some of the tiles. I mean, who wants to have the just one tile depicting an old man taking a dump when you can have two?

I am curious about the woman in the middle -- and not just because of the steamy "come hither" pose. What I want to know is what's with the loofah? or is it a scrub brush? Either way, it's a little disturbing that she hasn't put it down.

Anyway, hurry to your local Dollar Store to get yours. I'm all I just need to wrap them up and wait for Christmas.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Don't Try This at Home

Seriously, this is a good way to get a divorce, a bullet to the head, or both. It's very wrong, but it is pretty damn funny:

This found it's way to my mailbox, so thanks for sharing "M."

Monday, August 04, 2008

In Flight Entertainment

I have a question: Why are there so many porn magazines at airport newstands?

Who's buying these and, more importantly, when do they get a chance to look at them? Here you are, about to be crammed into a flying canister where the person next to you is sooo close they can tell what you had for lunch - let alone what you're reading - and you're supposed to discretely look at porn?

What I think it really ironic is that they put it behind opaque plastic in the airport newstand - I assume to keep kids from looking at it...

...but then you're supposed to buy it and try to, um "read" it with every kid on the airplane practically in your lap?

And what do you do about the centerfolds?

"Excuse me, ma'am, could you fold this page out across your lap for just a minute? I just want to see if Miss January is a real blonde. Thanks."

I guess you could take them to the airplane bathroom.

Would that make you part of the 1/2 Mile High Club?

Keepin' it Clean

Here's a guy that knows how to take care of his clothes:

That's a McD.L.T. promotional T-Shirt right there. I'm guessing it was printed when they rolled them out...

...which was circa 1985.

To put it in perspective: Reagan was President; Obama hadn't started listening to Rev. Wright yet; PC's came without hard drives; gas was something like 85 cents a gallon; and Senator McCain was, well, he was a Senator - but you get the idea.

And there's the irony that the T-Shirt outlasted the sandwich by almost two decades!

20+ years of wear out of a free t-shirt - this guy knows how to get his money's worth.

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