Oh, James, we will miss you...
I'm sure there will be plenty of coverage of the Godfather of Soul's great performances. Here's a review of one of his funniest. From "Sonya Live in L.A." courtesy of www.teletastic.com:
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Oh, James, we will miss you...
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Just to get you in the mood, I wanted to share a classic SNL Christmas Song (if you can call the mid-90's classic). Heat up some hot cocoa, spike it with a little Jaegermeister, and enjoy...
Friday, December 15, 2006
I'm not sure what the point of spam is anymore. I mean, I suppose there's someone out there who gets excited that they've won a lottery from a country they've never heard of - you know, the lottery held in a foreign state that apparently has millions of dollars to give away but has to use a hotmail.com address that reads like a eplileptic at the keyboard - but I think most of us are on to the majority of the scams out there.
The ones that really puzzle me are the ones that don't include a link or phone number to call if you do fall prey. It's like they got lazy. "Hey, I've got this hot, nymphomaniac Russian babe who's just dying to take care of your wildest fantasies. All you have...to...do...you know what, never mind...sorry to bother you."
Now there is one time that we still believe spam: when it's in someone else's inbox. Then we automatically assume that it's all e-mail that someone went to great lengths to request. The conversation goes like this:
- Tom: "Hey Mary, whacha up to?"
Mary: "Clearing out Ron's e-mail to make way for his replacement."
Tom:"Weird, Ron quitting like that."
Mary: "Not really. Ron had other things on his mind."
Mary: "Oh yeah, for starters, I think he was selling drugs."
Tom: "Nooo, I don't see Ron doing that."
Mary: "It's true. His inbox is still full of offers to buy something called v1@gra at wholesale prices."
Tom: "So Ron quit working because he got rich selling drugs?"
Mary: "Oh no, I think he needed that money to pay for the patches."
Tom: "What patches?"
Mary: "Well, it seems Ron was buying patches to, um, enhance his manhood..."
Mary: "...and to increase his breast size. His inbox is full of competing offers."
Tom: "What a freak...so why'd he quit if he needed money?"
Mary: "That's the thing. It looks like he caught a lucky break. He apparently gets to keep 10% of an inheritance he's helping sneak out of Nigeria. Some government officials widow."
Tom: "Wow, money laundering, that's heavy stuff. Wonder how Ron got involved in that."
Mary: "Probably the drugs..."
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Kick back and enjoy, plastic-brick style:
Monday, December 04, 2006
As you may know, I posted a piece last week about a planned - and canceled - protest against Walmart for being pro-gay.
Always one to point out the obvious, I talked about how laughable it was that the world's largest retailer of deer scent and press-board furniture could possibly be considered pro-gay.
Then I walked into a local Walmart, and before I could get to the Ann Coultier section - heck, before I even got to the self-inflating 12' high Nativity scene, I was greeted by this display:
..."not that there's anything wrong with that."
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Thanks to www.upyourvideo.net for posting this over at Google Video.
Friday, November 24, 2006
Two Conservative Christian groups that had threatened a boycott of Walmart and Sam's Club on Black Friday called it off, which is good.
Had the challenge to Christians not to shop at the mega-retailers gone forward, the results would have been devastating...
...I can just imagine all those empty churches. (Oh come on, if the average red-blooded/red state family had to choose between church and cheap porch furniture, who would you bet on?)
The best part is the reason behind the planned boycott: That Walmart was "pro-gay." I mean, really, is there anything farther from gay than Walmart?
Don't get me wrong. I'm pretty sure Walmart isn't anti-gay. If you show up at the cashier and try to pay with your Divas of the Stage Specialty Check, I'm sure they'll take it.
I mean, the employees wear vests -- and not leather ones, blue nylon-blend vests. They specialize in things like NASCAR memorobilia and Larry the Cable Guy DVD's...
...and all their lube products are in the automotive department.
Somehow I think Walmart is still clearly within the bounds of hetero-friendly shops.
And as for their Sam's Club -- if they were really worried about a shopping club being pro-homosexual, don't you think they'd start with the one called B.J.'s?!
But wait, there's more (UPDATE)
A man from Reamstown, PA was sentenced this week after attempting to bomb the physician that performed his penis enlargement surgery.
The sentence is five years...
...but I'm betting he'll tell everyone it's "more like six."
Monday, November 20, 2006
"Hello, CrimeStoppers? I think I have a lead on a suspect..."
Special thanks to Chonks place for having a camera ready at the right moment. Damn, that's funny Chonk.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
CBS News recently presented a piece on the abuse of the elderly. Apparently this is a growing problem for our older citizens. Of course, for younger generations that want to avoid being abused as a senior, eating red meat, smoking and driving fast are good tips.
Yesterday, General John Abizaid, chief of the U.S. Central Command, suggested it was time for "Major Change" in Iraq. After this announcement, several Majors across Iraq offered to be the first ones changed.
Also yesterday, a tsunami that threatened Japan delivered a wave of only 16 inches. The only time 16 inches causes hysteria at the beach if when it's wrapped in a towel on Fire Island.
Speaking of surprising events, I'm sure you've heard that O.J. Simpson has published a book that explains how he would have killed Nicole and her boyfriend if he did it. Is this all part of his master plan to flush out the real killer, or is it the "confession" the publisher has called it?
Either way, I'm betting John Karr is pissed that O.J. got to confess to it before he did.
Friday, November 10, 2006
Nothing beats a night out at the bar...
I received an edited version of this one via e-mail, but found this longer version when I did a little digging. Judging from the advertiser and the accent, it seems like it's a British ad.
Want to see a bar contest where the blonde wins? Fine, click here.
If you'd rather read your comedy, click here.
You can also look for other entries by clicking on one of the labels below. Enjoy...
Friday, November 03, 2006
It all started with a headline that read Reverend Resigns in Gay Sex Scandal...
You see, at first glance it looked more like "Reverend Reigns in Gay Sex Scandal," which is totally different.
I mean Ted Haggerts' gay sex, male prostitute and meth scandal is pretty big news, but I'm not sure it automatically gets him "reigning" status. After all, we still don't know all the details of Mark Folley's page scandal, and, of course, Jim McGreevey's sex scandal is still on the best seller list.
It's really a three-way race...which is ironic, because a three-way would probably put one of them in the lead.
Now if there is a race going on, Haggert does seem to be in it to win it. I mean, he didn't just stray a little from the straight and narrow, he took a running leap away from it.
Look, every preacher is human, but you'd expect them to have less grievous transgressions. You tell me an evangelist had an affair, rented a porno or tore the tags off his mattress, that's not a eye opener. But using a male prostitute and buying meth, that's someone committed to getting his freak on.
Of course, Haggert's story is that he didn't have sex with the prostitute and that he just bought meth from him because he was curious about it -- and he didn't use it. Now, if your curious about meth, couldn't you just do some reading, maybe watch SPUN, or take a look at that faces page?
Ted is a good conservative -- heck, he used to call the White House on a regular basis...he should know that conservatives don't use prostitutes to get drugs. Conservatives get drugs from special dealers known as "Doctors."
Also, if Ted did want to have an affair, he doesn't have to pay for a partner:
He should take a page from McGreevey and have the people you work for pay for it.
I mean, doesn't this guy read anything?
Thursday, November 02, 2006
I admit it, it's a lazy Thursday for the lazycomic. Still, I wanted to take a minute to bring you something pretty damn funny.
Yep, it's another ad, and yes, it's another import. Enjoy it, and I'll be back soon with a misguided, ticked-off rant about something...
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Will Jobs and Company be Able to
Beat Something "Bigger Than the Beatles?"
Just when Apple Computer thought the matter was settled, it appears there may be more legal squabling over the "Apple" trademark. The Cupertino-based company most recently defended their iconic trademark successfully in last spring's decision against Apple Records, publisher of the Beatles Music.
However, now a third party is rumored to be considering action. There is now speculation that God is considering making a legal claim, not over the music service, but at a trademark at the very core of the company. At the center of the Almighty's claim is that the word "Apple" was first used as a trademark for His creation, a portable package of frutose, fiber and water that has been in use for thousands of years.
Possibly even more astonishingly, it appears if this case moves to court that God will represent Himself. When asked about this, a spokesperson for the Almighty would only say that God has "very limited access" to lawyers.
Bittersweet Outcome for Apple?
Can God, who never filed for a U.S. Trademark and has never defended the trademark in the past, win a legal battle against the iPod maker? Legal minds are divided on the issue, but it appears in this case, winning may be worse than losing for Apple Computer. Hacker blogs are indicating that God has a "Plan B": If He loses the case, it's rumored that He has already created a virus to infect iPods throughout the world.
Code-named "Yoko.o.no," the virus works by convincing one of the iPod processors that it is better than the others, which ultimately causes the machine to malfunction and play back a continuous loop of odd, shrieking sounds.
I'm really more of a Letterman fan, but hey -- to each their own.
Thanks to the aptly-named Free iTunes Downloads blog for pointing out some classic Tonight Show with Jay Leno bits. Not sure if the clips are up there with Dave's classics like "Man who lives under the stairs" or "Tiger Cam," but the price is right:
Read more and get your FREE Leno bits at Free iTunes Downloads by clicking here.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
(Uploaded to Google Video by www.be-dumb.com)
Still not sure it beats this one...
(Thanks to http://www.bestongooglevideo.blogspot.com/)
You know who you are. You've come here before, maybe several times, and tortured yourself by trying to read my blog with Firefox.
Well, the self-inflicted pain of trying to decipher my decidedly un-firefox-friendly layout is over...or at least reduced.
With some help from kind souls at netscape.public.mozilla.general who were kind enough to look at my "trainwreck" of code, I think I've managed to make my blog more tolerable for Firefox users.
It's still a little congested in Firefox, and a little bland to look at (yeah, I know, and to read sometimes), but at least its a little smoother. A whole template overhaul is in order, but I wouldn't hold your breath...
...unless you're in to that kind of thing.
P.S. I also fixed my factorizer code so that my last post should actually show you cool, random facts about me. Sorry for the glitch.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Monday, October 16, 2006
(This really is about driving...it'll just take me a minute to seque there.)
Now, I swear I don't mean to bring up the weather because your an idiot (although if you go by the odds...), but it's to make a point:
I'm sure you've heard these terms: Wind chill, Humidity Index, "Real Feel," etc.
Remember when the temperature used to be just, you know, the temperature? The thermometer ruled supreme. Whatever that little tube of red said was the temperatute.
Now, the expanding or condensing of liquids is no longer adequate to tell us if it's cold, hot or somewhere in between. I guess meterologist don't think we're smart enough...
...but I think we can figure it out. I mean, they report the temperature, the wind speed and the humitidy, we should be able to figure it out from there.
In case you've been in a box for the past 10 years or so, I'll go over the facts your weather person assumes you don't know:
If it's cold, it sucks...but not as much as if it's cold and windy. Then it sucks more.Ironically, I do think there's one area that could use this "psychological adjustment" approach:
If it's hot, that also sucks...but if it's hot and humid, well then you're really screwed.
It's those computerized mapping systems. From Google Maps, to Mapblast to high-end GPS systems, these all tell you the distance you'll travel and the approximate amount of time it will take...
...but I don't think that's enough.
They should add variables that will make the trip feel longer or shorter, like these:
The Idiot Effect - This is the amount of extra time your trip will feel like it takes based on the stupidity of the other drivers. Like the number of people that ride in the right lane until the very last minute and then cut across to the exit. Or the percentage of drivers that will ignore turning lanes, opting instead to come to a complete stop in traffic before making a turn.
With this adjustment, a trip through suburban sprawl might take 20 minutes, but with the Idiot Effect (the "I.E.(tm)") it will feel like an hour and a half.
The Asshole Effect - Similar to the "I.E.," the "A.E.(tm)" is the amount of extra time your trip will feel like it takes based on people cruising in the left lane going only, say, 2 miles-per-hour faster than the cars in the right lane. Or those jerks that act like they didn't see the flashing yellow arrow and wait to merge until the very last minute. This can multiple the actual time by a factor of 1.5 to 400, and may explain the shorter life expectancies in urban areas like L.A. or DC.
But it's not all bad news. There's also the "Auto Commercial Effect" (or "ACE Time (tm)" for short). This is when you're on a huge, wide road in the middle of a clear weeknight (like I-270 outside of DC) and you can actually move along like the cars on those "closed courses." Even with some attempt to stay near the speed limit, the trip just feels 25 to 50% shorter.
There you have it, my suggestions mapping services could use to help make your travel decisions better informed. They could even have little icons for each effect.
I'll leave the "A.E." icon to your imagination...
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Hot girl-on-girl action, retelling sexy exploits and watching coeds make out with sex toys...
...all while slaves run to refill your beer. Something from a big fraternity party? Nope.
It's the band.
And I don't mean some heavy metal megaband or a bling-sportin' hip hop star. I mean the wool suit wearin', tuba carryin' College Marching Band. In this instance, the one at the University of Wisconsin.
Now, like many of you, I feel shocked and amazed.
As a former band geek, I have to admit that the whole band bus thing was one big pit of raging hormones, but having the desire seemed to be much different than having the chance to act on it. Trust me. No matter how trained we were at our tonguing technique, it never seemed to impress the ladies. Especially when you were sporting a poor fitting military jacket and spats.
Has the marching band become cool? Apparently. It's so cool at UW that other athletic groups pay extra to ride in seperate buses. The only reason our football team ever wanted to ride seperate was because we were, you know, the band.
Of course, even with pledges, pranks and Floutist-Gone-Wild escapades, the band probably still won't get the respect it deserves. Sorry, but the world at large still thinks of marching bands as something to fill in the time while the team huddles up at half-time.
Band groupies (i.e. marching band alumni) insist it's a sport, but if the rest of the world felt that way the band wouldn't be wearing wool uniforms on hot Saturday afternoons. I mean, there's more high-tech equipment on your average football team than on Apollo astronauts, but the best the band gets is a new flavor of chapstick. Oh, and if it was really treated like a sport, you think it'd get covered somewhere on one of the eight ESPN channels.
Maybe that's what it is. Most college band members have four to six years of game days spent being ignored and ridiculed before they start their college experience. If you manage to make a love connection under the watchful eyes of high school band chaperones, the romance is over once the lights come on and you realize your hooking up with, well, someone from the band.
So you get to college, you get a little unsupervised power, and you unleash it -- in wild hedonistic ways.
The next time you see a band bus swaying back and forth in the parking lot, it could just be some pent up frustrations busting loose...or it could just be the tuba section walking up the aisle. Either way, it's not something you want to see.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Like the piercing green eyes of a nubile young page, the Foley Page Scandal continues to haunt the vaulted (and possibly sticky) halls of Congress.
Recent reports indicate that members of Majority Leader Hastert's office were told of inappropriate conduct by Foley long before he broke down and left congress, but Hastert continues to deny being told.
I know, two politicians both obviously telling the truth and yet somehow disagreeing...
...it boggles the mind.
My theory? The only explanation is that it was a simple misunderstanding.
For instance, when Foley's ex-chief of staff allegedly warned Hastert's cheif of staff , maybe he left a message that read something like this:
Mark Foley seems intent on bending over pages."
In this case, if Hastert saw the message, he would've thought that Congressman Foley was, at worst, molesting the sheets of a house bill, not trying to get under the sheets with page William.
Or, if Congressmans Rodney Alexander's chief of staff left a message that read something like this:
See, this could have been interpreted to mean that Foley just wanted to spend some time south of DC, like down in Virginia -- instead of spending time in DC down on...
Of course, Foley has checked himself in for alcohol addiction, as if booze was behind his problem.
Personally, I don't think alcohol can be blamed for causing an otherwise hetrosexual to start liking young men. I mean, if that was true whenever a group of men started drinking beer they'd end up watching a bunch of sweaty, muscular men running and jumping...
...wait a second. Maybe Foley's on to something.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Well, the elections are only a few weeks away, so the Democrats are trying to gain control and the Republicans are trying to distance themselves from the President and every page boy's #1 fan, Mark Foley.
With every vote needed, I'm sure the candidates are courting all the fringe voters, like this group:
I know, I know -- you're out there saying "that's mean." Hey, I'm just joking around; I really don't mean to offend anynoe.
Seriously, I'm just making a joke (it's what I do).
But you know what I think is offensive to people to with dyslexia...
...calling their condition DYSLEXIA. I mean, that's like a 28 point Scrabble word right there. They don't even use that word at spelling bees. Homeschooled kids spell it wrong.
All I can figure it's done to gather sympathy. You're there, reading about people who get the letters mixed up when reading and you come to it:
"d-y-l-s...no d-e-l-y-x...no d-i-c-l... damn this sucks!"
If there was ever a condition that needs an acronym, this is it. I suggest we rename dyslexia something like "Scrambled Syllable Simplex," you know, "SSS" for short.
That way, when someone with dyslexia has to read about it, they get to "SSS" and get it right on the first try. You know, kind of a confidence builder.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Originally found this at reddit.com and found this German office paper commercial, but something happened with the link...so I managed to find it over via YouTube (how's that for dedication?). It's short, witty and funny, so it was worth the work.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Have you tried to fly anywhere recently? With the new security regulations, it's like shopping on Black Friday just to get on the plane.
Now, I'm all for security, but I think the time we spend in line is really our own fault. I mean, we all know the rules, we know all the processes, do's and do not's, but we still show up with our pockets full of keys, change and nail-clippers; a pda/cellphone/mp3 player/GPS-laden belt like something out of the old Batman series; three layers of clothes; pens; jewelry; etc.
Basically, most travelers show up at the gate with enough junk to let McGuyver build a working space station. Somehow, no one shows up at the grocery store with a pen for their check, but they show up at the airport ready to infilrate Dr. Evil's secret lair.
Here's my idea to make the whole check-in process easier on everyone:
Add a waterpark to each airport: pools, waterslides, the works...maybe even some tanning booths.
Then you'd show up, check your clothes with your bags, and splash around until it's time to board. When your flight is announced, you towel off, slip on some flip-flops and make that smakity-smakity noise right through security. Except for a few odd piercings, there's not much left to set off the metal detectors.
Of course, like everything else about flying, there'd be different amenities for different flyers. First class flyers get cabanas and in-ground wave pools while they wait, coach flyers get above-ground pools and a couple lawn chairs, and economy flyers get to splash around in a few sprinklers out on the tarmac.
Now everyone gets on the plane quickly, everyone's refreshed and - special bonus - everyone's bathed. And heck, if there's an emergency, everyone's ready for a water landing.
[10.02.06 Update - Seems someone else had a similar "immodest" proposal]
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Looks like this lil' Superstar's secret is exposed (watch the end)...
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Have you ever noticed that when you bump into someone you know, but not well, that you default to talking about the weather.
Your "nonversation" starts with something like "So, it sure is hot/cold/dry/wet today," and then goes to "yea, I hope it's cooler/warmer/wet/dry tomorrow."
It's like we default to some conversational lowest common denominator. Basically you're saying "I can't trust that your smart enough to talk about anything besides the most menial of observable facts."
So you turn to the weather.
How about we raise the bar a little? Give the people we bump into something to take home and scratch their heads about. The next time someone comes up to you and starts one of these nonversations(tm), avoid the comments about the weather and try something like this:
Insipid Passerby: "Hey, what's up?"
You: "Well, I'm not dead."
Insipid Passerby: "Um...yeah, I guess so."
You: "Hey, you're not dead yet, either..."
Insipid Passerby: "Um, no. Well...see you around."
You: "Unless I die."
Insipid Passerby: "um, ookay..."
You: "...or if you die."
Not only have you given them something to think about...chances are next time you pass them in the hall they'll just look the other way.
Now, if the weather is what we default to when we bump into people that might be idiots, what does that say about the weather reports on TV? I mean, they give us five minutes of "weather forecasting," where four-and-a-half mintes is reporting the weather that's already happened. What the f*ck is with that? Why would I care what the weather was like earlier? What can I do with that information?
Then they get to my favorite part: what the weather is like right now. I mean, this is really useful information, unless, of course, you have either a window or a door. Then I'm pretty sure you could figure it out for yourself.
Then they have 15 seconds or so to tell me all the weather that's forecasted for the next seven days for every hole in the ground within 150 miles of the studio. After treating us like idiots for most of the last five minutes, now they expect us to have the razor sharp attention of a meth-addicted air traffic controller.
I say screw it, keep an umbrella handy and deal with it. I sure hope it's cooler/warmer/wet/dry tomorrow.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Here's my version of a joke I heard (or received) about a farmer trying to outsmart some local teens. Enjoy...
There was this one farmer who, among other things, grew an annual crop of watermelons. For years he had great crops of watermelons, but then slowly he noticed that local teenagers were sneaking into the patch overnight and helping themselves. First to a few, then a few more, then dozens would go disappearing in the night.
Finally, the late night thievery got so bad the farmer couldn't take it anymore. He thought about what he could do to put an end to it without a lot of cost or work on his part. Finally it came to him...
With a wide smirk on his face he took an old piece of plywood from his barn, painted his message on it in big letters and hung it at the entrance to the watermelon patch. The sign read:
"THIEVES BEWARE! ONE of the WATERMELONS in this patch is POISONED!"
Happy with himself for coming up with such a plan, the old farmer walked back through the watermelon patch to this house.
The next morning, he got up and walked back out through the patch. Sure enough, not a single watermelon was missing. His smile spread and he was whistling to himself until he got to his sign.
There, next to his plywould sign was a cardboard one with a message in black marker:
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Monday, September 18, 2006
Had to share this photo. It's an election sign from somewhere.
I thought it was funny...until I realized there are actually TWO Balls on the ticket.
Now it's hilarious.
Seriously, I hope they win.
I can't imagine the jokes they'll face if both Balls get sacked...
...or if Cox has to pull out all together.
I'm sure they'll be fine. When the heat is on, Balls and Cox stick together.
(sorry, just one more.)
Of course, they have great momentum. Once the Balls and Cox get ahead of you, you're stuck in the number two spot.
Okay, your turn...
Friday, September 15, 2006
When people finally find my little outpost of humor I hate sending them away, but I really think I've found something worth sharing.
Take a look: Great Page at FunnyJunk
...and remember, you can share it with those you love by using the little envelope icon below.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Let's see: Kevin Federline, cheeseburgers, milkshakes...
...is there anything Britney won't put in her body?
In the same article hard core, born again, rocker-for-Christ Steve Baldwin was unable to list the Seven Deadly Sins. I hear the reporter really had Steve worried when he told him that starring in Bio-Dome was one of them.
Jane Fonda has decided to start a feminist liberal talk radio network. The general consensus among liberals is "Crap...just what we need."
Finally, there's a great video from an Asian TV game show on the net. The original format is apparently a tongue twister game, but take a look.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
There’s something I’ve been tempted to blog about, but I held back, so I wouldn’t look mean-spirited – until now. I'm not really ranting about this, but it does make me wonder.
Here’s what started it: The other day I was driving behind a car with one of those ribbon magnets on it. Now, I think the whole ribbon thing is a little over-played, but it’s a free country and I get it, you support something, you love old Tony Orlando songs, and you need something to cover that dent from when you backed into a parking meter.
I’m a big supporter of our troops, so I get the “Support our Troops” ribbon, the “Bring Our Troops Home Safe” ribbon, the somber “MIA” ribbons. I also get the Cure Cancer ribbons – even the Raise Autistic Awareness ribbons. Good causes, nice message.
But this ribbon wasn’t for any of those things.
This ribbon was to announce that the driver had,
adopted a cat.
Don’t start bitching at me yet, I love animals – especially with a good sweet and sour sauce (just kidding…I prefer General Tso…anyway) – but I don’t think adopting a cat is worthy of it’s own ribbon magnet.
Now, if Fluffy wants to get together a few thousand of her feline friends and go help calm things down in Iraq, I’ll reconsider. But for now, if you get a cat, just let the smell and hair announce it to the world.
Which brings me to the topic I’ve been sitting on for a while…
This same driver had one of those license plates that features a special graphic and message for a particular cause. When you buy the plate, part of the money goes to the relevant cause.
This one was, of course, to support adopting pets.
Here’s my only problem with this. When you sign up for the plate, there are a few other choices you can support, you know things like Finding a Cure for Cancer or for Stopping Domestic Violence...
…and I’m pretty sure you get to see ALL of them when you sign up.
So, if you really think about it, isn't displaying a "adopt a pet" license plate the same as saying "Sorry about your Grandma's cancer -- if she were cute and fuzzy I'd care more?"
(Ok, I guess it was a rant after all.)
Just had a minute and wanted to pass it on -- a little mid-day quickie. I think I've found the paramount of all those on-line personality tests:
Also, if you're one of those millions of bloggers that still has "Edit Me" under your links, treat it as a command, not a suggestion. A link to http://lazycomic.blogspot.com/ wouldn't kill you -- it may even make your blog a little sexier.
...just a thought. Now get back to work.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Like most Americans, I'll take time today to reflect on the heros and victims of 9-11.
As important as it is to me to remember the tragedy of that day, I think the most important thing to remember is that when you choose to pause and reflect it's just that...
deserve neither liberty or security." - Benjamin Franklin
Sunday, September 10, 2006
So Disney/ABC has been accused of spinning the facts in Path to 9-11 to make it pro-conservative. What's next?
A revised Snow White where the dwarves are beaten for trying to form a union?
A new NRA-sponsored Bambi with the moral "hey, Mom had it comin' to her?"
In other news, recent studies indicate that Marijuana use is up with people in their fifties, but drug use is down among teens. Sounds like Grandma's "Potting Shed" is a lot more hip than used to be...but your kids still don't want to spend time there.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
First, if anyone knows German (man, I hope it's German), take a look at this post and tell me what the hell this product from Bic is supposed to do...
...and where I can get one (if my wife reads this, remember honey, they're just jokes):
From "Trainbuk: Zichtenmafia"...note the "Nothing but the Truth..."
Then there's a post with tiny little world leaders:
Take a peak at a "Mini-Bush" and "Mini-Pope"
Instead of Camp David, they could meet in a pillow fort. Of course, Bush would probably be too busy giggling at the Pope's little hat to get any work done.
Yeah, I know I could probably paste the German blog in at Alta Vista Babel Fish, but it's easier (for me, at least) to wait for one of you to do it. And there's probably German slang in it (like in those old Falco songs) that Babel Fish would get wrong...
Thursday, September 07, 2006
So, I'm taking a shower this morning and I realize something:
Why do I turn the lights on before I get in the shower? Don't get me wrong, I don't want to shower in the dark, but I'm not a milkman, so there's plenty of sunlight coming in when I start the water running.
So why do I need it to be operating room bright? I've been bathing myself for over three decades now, so I'm pretty sure I know where everything is. And trust me, if I find something new, you can be sure I'll turn the lights on.
Of course, that's not as ridiculous as when people leave the bathroom light on when they go on vacation -- so burglars will think they're still home. Who is this fooling? Can't you see it? Two would-be-burglars casing your house:
"So, what do you think are they home?"
"Well, if they are, they've all been in one bathroom for four hours now."
"Sounds like they've got the flu or something...let's move on, I don't want to catch anything."
Oh, and people that put a radio on a timer to fool everyone. So now if someone's listening in your house, they figure you're either too poor to own a TV or you're senile and waiting for FDR to make a speech.
Want to keep people out of your house when you're gone? Put duct tape over most of, but not all of, your basement windows, turn on one 100 watt bulb, and play a cd of chainsaw sounds.
Once burglars think you're in the basement disposing of the body, they'll move on.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Well, it's sad to hear that Steve Irwin has been killed. Like most of you, I was surprised...but then I heard he died while filming "The World's Most Dangerous Animals."
Now, why is that I'm not surprised that our President can's say the word "nuclear," but I am surprised when someone dies while going after the "World's Most Dangerous Animals." Frankly, we should all be suspicious if everyone comes back from filming without a scratch.
Still, Steve will be missed. Not only was a great zoologist and conservationist, he was about the only thing keeping Animal Planet from showing videos of animals running into walls twenty-four hours a day.
I know it's been awhile since my last post and I apologize, but I've been pretty busy.
Among other things, I've been reading Frank McCourt and you know 'tis a rare man that can be makin jokes with the young Yanks all but starved and Dad back on the dole and the river Shannon coming with the dampness and the consumption that takes the children and floods the kitchen and leaves our brothers laying in the white box with the ring from the dark thing they call the Pint on the top of it. Tis a rare man indeed says Mr. D the blogger, who should be getting to blogging, and I want to ask what blogging is but I know if I ask I'll just get the switch again.
(If you haven't read McCourt than I apologize twice -- once for not posting more and once for making an inside joke for the rest of us.)
More to come...
Friday, September 01, 2006
Classic joke, originally from my in-box. Remastered for your enjoyment...
How To Come Home Drunk and Still Get a Hot Breakfast
So this husband wakes up with a HUGE hangover the night after a business function.
Cloudy-headed and in pain, he forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin and a glass of water on the side table. Next to the aspirin and water stands a single red rose!
He sits up in bed and sees his clothes for the day right there in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes as he turns on the bathroom light and notices a post-it on the mirror:
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also sitting at the table, eating. Sheepishly, he asks, "Hey, son...what happened last night?"
"Oh last night? Well, you came home sometime after 3 am, drunk out of your mind."
"Okay...so, why'd your Mom clean everything up, get out my clothes and make me breakfast?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT! Well, when Mom got you into the bedroom last night she tried to undress you. And when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed...
...'Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!'".
Hot breakfast - $5
Red Rose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time... PRICELESS
(To pass this on, just click on the envelope icon below.)
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Imagine my glee when I read that Paris Hilton was going to space.
Sadly, upon reading the rest of the article I learned that she will also be coming back.
In related news, there's another Paris Hilton Video (no, not that one) making the rounds.
This one appears to be from the burger commercial she did a while back. I don't know if this is the unedited version or just a higher definition version, but either way you have to admit it looks a little different:
Monday, August 28, 2006
Friday, August 25, 2006
Don't know if you listen to Sean Hannity, but a few days ago he apparently advocated the covert overthrow of any national leader that (1) suppresses the will of his citizens and (2) causes unrest in the Middle East. I took advisors three hours to convince President Bush that Sean wasn't talking about him.
It's was a bad week for Bush. Presidential hopeful John McCain came out this week, suggesting that the President may not have a handle on the situation in Iraq. Senator McCain followed this with a few other equally startling accouncements: New Coke was a bad idea, Disco is just a fad, and that youngest Jackson kid is a little "odd."
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Well, feed from me would be more accurate. You can now subscribe and find out when the blog changes. Three flavors to choose from: XML RSS ...or Feedblitz:
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Monday, August 21, 2006
Thanks to http://blog.gupsup.com/, I found this tidbit: It seems people are flocking to the sea in India to drink the sea water because it tastes "sweet."
Who starts these things? Is there somebody out there that tastes the sea water everyday and then tells all his friends on the days when it doesn't taste like...well, sea water?
And how many friends can this guy have? I doubt a guy who spends his time sippin' the ocean is gonna make anybody's top eight.
Anyway, I got go. I gotta call my buddy to see if sand still tastes "crunchy."
Sunday, August 20, 2006
One thing I've noticed about having kids:
There's a period of time while they're growing up when your house is basically coated in pee.
Washing your hands is like waving to Stevie Wonder -- there's nothing wrong with it, but it's really not productive.
From the time kids are potty trained until they come to understand the importance of personal hygience (from around age 2 to 8 for girls, age 3 to 25 for boys), kids use the bathroom with the same rules as horseshoes -- close is good enough. Water is optional, soap is a hassle and towels are unnecessary...or can be used in place of water.
My advice: clear out your powder room and put in one big floor drain, one big shower head and one big bottle of Purell.
(P.S. Even though the President didn't wave, the jokes are still funny...)
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Friday, August 18, 2006
Now, I know everyone's concentrating on airport security -- and as Martha would say, that's a good thing.
But what about your house? Your belongings? How do you secure them?
Don't worry, help is here:
I'm happy to announce...
...The complete guide to home security:
1) Your cash and other valuables. I know what you're thinking "Steve, I thought this was supposed to be funny." Oops, I mean you're thinking "Steve, I keep my cash and valuables at the bank -- surely they're safer there."
WRONG. Haven't you been to the movies? Haven't you rented a DVD lately? Banks get robbed all the time. You need to get your cash and valubles and bring them home. GO...I'll wait.
Now that you've saved your possesions from bank robbers, I'll tell you where to put them so they are 100% (well 98.7%) safe: In a brown paper bag on top of your refrigerator. That way, if someone breaks into your house, they'll waste all their time looking for a safe or one of those cool wall vaults hidden behind a portrait (like in Batman) and not notice where your cash, jewels and beer cap collection are.
2) Your on-line information: Sure, you've got a firewall, passwords, etc. -- but they're not protecting you from anything. Want proof? I can tell the last site you visited -- click here to see. The best way to keep yourself safe is by using a password so simple no one will guess. That password is snarkle45. So go ahead, change all your passwords to snarkle 45. I'll wait...but be quick. While you're at it, write down all your account information--and the password--on a piece of white tape and place it under your keyboard.
3) Your house: Lock it up, man. Get locks on all your doors and keep 'em locked. Also, DON'T CARRY YOUR KEYS WHEN YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE. All it takes is one quick pickpocket and boom, there's someone else in your house and there's nothing you can do about it.
When you leave, place your keys to the right of your front door, under a rock. To help you remember which rock, paint a "K" on it.
That's it! You're now completely secure. Let me know if you found this interesting by sending an e-mail. Be sure to include your name, address and when you'll be out of town.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Couple news items caught my eye recently. Did you hear that Aussie Croc'restler Steve Irwin discovered a new type of turtle? They say the turtles are the most bizarre, mean-spirited thing to come out of Australia...since Mel Gibson.
I was listening to the radio the other day when Paul Harvey came on. Before he started into an amusing anedote about something he did with the other founding fathers, he started with "You've heard the news, now..."
Hold on a second Paul, you don't get the picture. The BIG news is that you're still alive, buddy. Either that or they forced him to record trivia stories for 20 straight years back in the 60's and he's actually being kept in suspended animation somewhere in Chicago. Maybe that's the rest of the story.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
I know blond jokes are cliche -- and *maybe* unfair...
...but I thought this one was worth passing on.
Let me know what you think.
(If you want to pass it on, use this link:
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
The other day I called a customer service line. Middle of the day, big company, lots of people probably trying to get through. No surprise, I ended up on hold.
All of a sudden a recorded message came on and said "Please hold for the next available representative."
Really? I get the next available person? That's pretty messed up -- what about all the other people on hold?
So I hung up.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
So I’m listening to Howard Stern on Sirius Radio and an ad comes on for a video you can get to add some spice to your “lovelife.” No big deal until the end, when the announcer says if you order now, they’ll include a special gift so “sensual” they can’t mention it on the radio.
Let me go back for a second: I’m listening to HOWARD STERN on UNCENSORED satellite radio. What could they possibly be offering that they can’t say out loud?
What shows up if you order this stuff? A donkey? A third-world sex slave couple?
Here’s my rule: if you can't tell me what it is on the Howard Stern show, I don’t want you shipping it to my house. My FBI file is fat enough already, thank you.
There’s a bank commercial where a teller helps a lady get her card back from an ATM machine and then an older gentleman, thinking it’s a talking ATM, asks for a withdrawal. Very cute in an Art Linkletter kind of way.
Well, I had a similar experience recently:
I’m on my way to purchase something from our local convenience store. Not wanting to plop down plastic for a dollar-and-change purchase, I go across the street to a bank ATM. With the sun glare I can’t see at first that the machine is down for maintenance, so I try to put my card in.
On about the third time I decide the right thing to do is yell at the machine (that’s what they’re for, really), so I gripe “Come on BITCH!”
…and I hear a female teller’s voice from the other side: “It’s CLOSED right now…bastard.”
(Ok, I added the bastard, but it would’ve been true if she did say it.)
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Most of the time this blog is filled with my own attempts to be humorous, but evey now and then I get a joke sent to me that's worth sharing. Here's one...
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Want more? Try these:
The Hangover Cure (Priceless Joke)
Stevie D.'s Kitty Kitty Rant
Vote for the Whole Package (Photo)