Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Glowing Frustration

Well, it's fall - the time of year when the leaves turn colors, the air gets cooler, and highway departments work at a frantic pace to finish projects before winter. Because, you know, back when they were planning these projects nobody knew that summer wouldn't last forever.

So with the last minute road projects comes the world's most finicky of traffic controllers: the guys (and gals) with the STOP/SLOW signs on that big pole. You'd think having the power to control the traffic would be kinda cool - but nope, not for these folks. I don't know if it's the loud noise, the hot asphalt or maybe the teasing from the coworkers that get to drive the big trucks, but these are not happy people.

Say you're coming up to one with the STOP sign facing you. You slow down and then creep up just a tad so that you're in place for the eventual right-of-way. INSTANTLY they spring into motion. They're snarling at you, frantically shoving their palms towards the ground like a bankrobber threatening to use an M16. You can stop. You can put your car in park. You can take apart the engine and line the pieces up on the shoulder -- nothing will convince them that you've gotten the meaning of the word STOP.

...and then it happens...

...the sign switches to SLOW.

And by SLOW they mean: heybuddygetyourtwobitpieceofcrapimportthroughherenow!

They immediately are disgusted with anyone going below warp 4. Their free arm waves in a dramatic circle, as if they're trying to create a vacuum to actually help propel your car through the construction zone.

It's obvious that I don't know what speed to go when I come up on these zones, so I kinda wish they'd just let me scoot over and they could drive my car through the zone. They could jolt my car from a dead stop to full throttle and back as they see fit, and I could sit next to them and go "Oooh, that's what you meant by SLOW."

It's be kinda like having a construction zone valet.
After all, they're already wearing the vests...

Saturday, October 27, 2007

No, I "Really" meant that....

You know what I've always found to be "annoying?" People that "use" quotation marks for emphasis. It always makes me think the word(s) in quotes are supposed to be sarcastic, or have a double entendre.

Well, apparently I'm not "alone."

Check out The "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks

...and tell them "I" sent you.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Digging a Digg

Thanks to Digg user Noah Hayes for supplying this junior high no-friggin-way funny bit:

He found a site for BJ Services...which is mildly humorous on it's own.

But it gets better:

They specialize in, among other things, "Pumping Services"...

...and "Tubular Services"


...wait for it...

"Completion Services"

Because let's face it, you wouldn't call BJ Services Company if you didn't want the Completion Services.

Oh, and they have a "GO BJ" icon. Kinda sounds like a cheer or something. They should put it in a jingle. Something catchy. You know, something you could hum along to. Maybe something that would get stuck in your head. Well, maybe not that catchy.

It's safe to say, now that they've caught the attention of Digg, I'm sure BJ Services will be a big hit. Heck, I bet it won't be long before BJ is on everyone's li...

...never mind.

Contain yourself

The other day I heard an ad for "the world's most exciting cat show." I noticed they stopped short of saying the world's most exciting pet show...I guess they know that no one can really compete with what Michael Vick puts together.

I actually thought it was an odd way to bill a cat show at all, actually. Are they really that exciting? Does it take work to make a cat show more exciting than any other cat show in the world?

What I'm really worried about is that this'll set off a whole competition. I'm thinking there's a cat show somewhere in Alabama that's gonna add lasers, then one on the west coast will do a whole feline medieval jousting act.

It'll just keep going up and up until some promoter puts cat treats at the end of a long waxed floor that slopes towards a wood chipper*.

And one thing is for sure: I doubt the cats think these things are that exciting. A bag of catnip and a ball of tin foil pretty much set the standard for exciting to a cat...or maybe a mouse with a bad leg and a strong constitution.

*And no, I am in no way suggesting cats should be put anywhere near a wood chipper. Wood chippers are expensive...and a pain to clean.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

The Scene of the Crime

Received this ad via e-mail. If you've seen it before that's just too damn bad -- pass it on to someone who hasn't.

It's a fiat commercial, and it's friggin' hilarious:

You can send it along by clicking on the envelope icon below...

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

The Sound of Silence

So, now they are say that taking Viagra can cause a loss of hearing.

Let me get this straight:

You marry a woman for 20, 30 years or so. You start to, you know, lose a little steam in the engine. Then you take this pill and you're all ready to go again...

...except now you can't hear what she's saying.

It really is a miracle drug.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Flake-free Shampoo

You know, the "Wash, rinse and repeat" instruction on shampoo bottles has been used in countless jokes...

...but did you ever think that maybe the instruction itself is a joke. An inside joke - on how those of us lost in the masses live lives of quiet repetition. We wash, we rinse, we go about our boring lives - and then we repeat. Perhaps it's a wink and nod at how silly we are...

...how we are the "Great Washed."

Somewhere, perhaps there's a Illuminati, an elite rank, that wash their hair some days, shave it off the next*, put it in dreadlocks the day after and so on, laughing in their smugness and how droll life is for the rest of us. Perhaps their secret lizard race doesn't even need shampoo, and the endless cycle is another way of keeping us in check.

In fact, maybe their control is through the shampoo. Think about it - most of the people that believe in the Illuminati probably don't wash. or rinse. or repeat.

It would mess up their aluminum foil helmets.

(*I know, who would've thought that Britney was an Illuminati. Some things we're just not supposed to understand.)

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

NEW! Faves...

Don't you hate when a TV show does one of those cheesy "best bits" shows instead of creating somethin' new.

Well, too bad.

I took some time (and, no, not much time) and identified some of my favorite posts with a new tag, called (appropriately) "faves."

So take a look
and enjoy. We'll be back with your regularly scheduled babel soon.

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