Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Bleeding Edge Technology

German users of the MacBook Air have reported that the front edge of the new soul laptop is sharp enough to cut flesh.

Although one might think this was a flaw, secret insiders report that what the German users actual have is a prototype for a new MacBook that somehow leaked into the retail stream.

The new laptop - to be released on an upcoming rainy, dreary day when you wish the world would just end already - is the MacBook Emo. In addition to the razor sharp Finally Something to Feel(TM) front edge, the new laptop will be painted flat black and will come preloaded with every Morrissey song ever released.

The operating system is largely unchanged for the the new MB Emo, however system crashes are now reported on a screen that says "System Error at...you know, never mind, you don't understand - no one does."

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Oh, the Pressure

You know the saying "I feel like I've got the weight of world on my shoulders?" Yea, the one that refers to Atlas. No one knows who came up with that saying*, but I've got a feeling it was a woman.

Why, you ask? (Ok, so you didn't ask, but you didn't click "Next Blog" either, so here it comes...) Because when you say that to someone there's an almost subconscious response where they want to rub your shoulders. And, as you probably know, to most men shoulder-rubbing is like the summer prime time TV schedule: not outright painful, but certainly nothing that we asked for.

My suggestion? Glad you asked. (See how this asking thing works?) Men should start changing up the phrase. Example: "I feel like I've got the weight of the world in my lap."

Oh, I know - the first woman that hears it probably won't start massaging your worries away, but eventually - like a democrat winning an election - it could happen.

And that would sure beat watching a summer of reruns...

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The Natural Look

I went to a funeral recently. Now, I know that's not a great way to start a humor bit, but hey, if funerals weren't supposed to fun, why'd they put it right there in the first three letters?

Anyway, I came straight from my "real job" and realized I was just about the only guy in a suit. Nope, not even "the" guy was in a suit. So I felt a little uneasy.

But you know, the last thing to worry about at a viewing is how you look. Let's face it, there's only one person people are going to remember and, well, he or she didn't even get to pick the outfit. On the upside, it'll probably be the most make-up time anyone outside of Hollywood gets -- and it's guaranteed not to run or smear off onto your water glass.

So everyone else can relax...

...unless, of course, you happen to be as old as (or older than) the star of the show. Then you might want to take a couple minutes to "freshen up," because nobody wants to be first draft in the inevitable "Who's Next" pool. (Oh come on, admit it. You take a casual glance around the reception and figure out how far you'll have to drive for the next one. It's perfectly natural and, yes, it does make you a shallow person.)

Anyway, the guy I went to honor never read my blog when he was living (at least he was lucky in one way). So Tony, if you're reading it now...I hope it was worth the wait.

Related Posts with Thumbnails

Searching for something...more?

You can't buy comedy this funny...oh wait, you totally can: