Sunday, July 27, 2008

Modestly Ambitious

So, I stumbled across a little more modesty in product claims. This time it was on a "toilet lock." For those of you who haven't had toddlers in the past few decades, a toilet lock keeps the lid down so your toddler's head -- or your keys, your jewelry, etc. don't go in the bowl.

Well, I was reading the box for our toilet lock (you can see why I'm too busy to post more often), and I noticed that it states that it "Helps keep the toilet locked."
Nobody wants a toilet lock that "helps" keep the toilet locked. That's like getting a surgeon that will help you with your triple bypass. The toilet lock is pretty much the beginning and end of the whole toilet locking regime. It's right there in the name: Toilet LOCK. Maybe if I bought a product called Toilet Lock Helper, that would be a different story...

On the opposite end of the spectrum is the sign I saw at my local pizza place. When you leave, there's a sign on the door that says "Place your next order on-line now!"

I think the "now" is a little over-ambitious. How much do they think I like this pizza? I'm holding a hot, steaming pie in my hands already, and now I'm supposed to go home and instantly order the next one? I don't think heroin dealers are this pushy. ("Here's your order - oh, and before you shoot up, why don't you go ahead and page me? I'll meet you back here in about 10 minutes.")

And then there's the sale at my local grocery store. They've reduced or, as they put it "knocked down," prices throughout the store, including on baby items. So there, in the baby aisle, they had balloons announcing "Knocked Down Baby Savings." Now remember, we live in the land of no child left behind, and this is not a special at the Mensa Giftshop. I'm thinking if you promote Knocked Down Baby Savings, it's just a matter of time before you hear this:

[hurried running to customer service]
"I just knocked down three of 'em. How much do I save?"

In your

Just a quick house-keeping note: If you're looking for something do besides wait for succulent new tidbits of humor here, you can check out my facebook page. Heck, you can even become a bona fide "fan." (I know, a dream come true, I'm sure.) Here's the link:

Prefer the glitzy chaos of MySpace to the button-down organization of facebook? Well have no fear...there's a Steve D. page there as well:

And, yes, for some strange compulsion I also have a twitter account:

Now get stalking!

Friday, July 25, 2008

Don't Stop...Run

Friend of mine pointed this out to me. It's like Dilbert for the real world (and, sadly a little too real):

Thursday, July 24, 2008

A Child By Any Other Name

A side-step from the usual "made up" nonsense - sometimes truth is funnier than fiction:

When I first saw this story on Yahoo, I assumed they had been conned into believing an old urban legend. You know, one of those "I swear this is true" stories about how kidnappers are hiding in garbage cans so always hit them with a bat before you take them out stories that your gullible uncle always sends.

If you follow Snopes at all, you know the one I'm talking about: some activist conservative judge (I thought Fox News said that was an oxymoron? anyway...) takes away mothers' rights to name their children after some sad examples.

Well, it turns out Yahoo was right and I was wrong. An apparent activist judge has taken away a parent's right to name their child...especially if the name they chose was "Talula Does the Hula." Sadly, U.S. Courts probably won't recognize the New Zealand precedent, leaving little hope for "Richard Hertz,""Amanda Deunow," and "Irma Teetzbeggar."

Oh, and what is the new name for the-child-formerly-known-as Talula, etc.? The court didn't say, but you can be sure it was picked from a list of previously allowed New Zealand names...

...which, by the way, include the moniker "Violence."


Anyway, now back to the fictional jokes and comedy.

Oh, and maybe you should stop deleting your uncle's e-mails -- there just might be a new pill to give your car 200 miles per gallon.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Just about always, some of the time.

The other day I was reading the label on our antibacterial wipes because you know, I've got that kind of time, and I noticed this claim:

"Kills 99.9% of Some Bacteria"

Is it just me, or is that unnecessarily modest? I'm no chemist, but I would think it's safe to say that it kills 100% of some bacteria. How low do they need to set the expectation for this product? Heck, this blog entertains 100% of some readers; 100% of some teens don't use drugs; even voting in Florida counts 100% some of the time.

Just a Thought

If you've been watching this blog recently, anxiously awaiting for a sign of life, well...well, that's a little sad.

Anyway, I've got new stuff coming, and in the meantime I've brought back my bloglist (it's over there on the right somewhere. Don't look now though, it's rude to look away when you're reading a blog post.) I had an extensive list of blogs on the old template, and if you own one that hasn't been linked to since the transition then I apologize; I'll try to bring back more faves soon.

That said, the blog that receives the priceless privilege of being first on my new blog roll is Thought Volcanoes.

To explain the entire connection between the author of Thought Volcanoes and yours truly would probably be long and boring - and while that normally doesn't stop me, I'll spare you today. Suffice to say that I've been reading commentary from the blogger over at "TV"* since blogging consisted of late night phone calls on a cordless phone with an antennae so long you could use it to get cats out of trees.

*Good friends can abbreviate it -- don't let me catch you doing it.

(Have a blog that links to Then send me a comment and I'll try to return the favor.)

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