Wednesday, August 30, 2006

When You Wish Upon a Star...

Imagine my glee when I read that Paris Hilton was going to space.

Sadly, upon reading the rest of the article I learned that she will also be coming back.

Oh well...

In related news, there's another Paris Hilton Video (no, not that one) making the rounds.

This one appears to be from the burger commercial she did a while back. I don't know if this is the unedited version or just a higher definition version, but either way you have to admit it looks a little different:

Monday, August 28, 2006

You Gotta Be Kiddin' Me...

Really?? Who exactly is using the entrance to the left?

Friday, August 25, 2006

Beating the Bush

Don't know if you listen to Sean Hannity, but a few days ago he apparently advocated the covert overthrow of any national leader that (1) suppresses the will of his citizens and (2) causes unrest in the Middle East. I took advisors three hours to convince President Bush that Sean wasn't talking about him.

It's was a bad week for Bush. Presidential hopeful John McCain came out this week, suggesting that the President may not have a handle on the situation in Iraq. Senator McCain followed this with a few other equally startling accouncements: New Coke was a bad idea, Disco is just a fad, and that youngest Jackson kid is a little "odd."

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Feed Me...

Well, feed from me would be more accurate. You can now subscribe and find out when the blog changes. Three flavors to choose from: XML RSS ...or Feedblitz:

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Completely lost? Have no idea what the hell I'm talking about? Then just add to your favorites (or, hell, make it your homepage) and check in often for new fun.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Man, you gotta taste this Sea Water

Thanks to, I found this tidbit: It seems people are flocking to the sea in India to drink the sea water because it tastes "sweet."

Who starts these things? Is there somebody out there that tastes the sea water everyday and then tells all his friends on the days when it doesn't taste like...well, sea water?

And how many friends can this guy have? I doubt a guy who spends his time sippin' the ocean is gonna make anybody's top eight.

Anyway, I got go. I gotta call my buddy to see if sand still tastes "crunchy."

Sunday, August 20, 2006

The Floor Drain

One thing I've noticed about having kids:

There's a period of time while they're growing up when your house is basically coated in pee.

Washing your hands is like waving to Stevie Wonder -- there's nothing wrong with it, but it's really not productive.

From the time kids are potty trained until they come to understand the importance of personal hygience (from around age 2 to 8 for girls, age 3 to 25 for boys), kids use the bathroom with the same rules as horseshoes -- close is good enough. Water is optional, soap is a hassle and towels are unnecessary...or can be used in place of water.

My advice: clear out your powder room and put in one big floor drain, one big shower head and one big bottle of Purell.

(P.S. Even though the President didn't wave, the jokes are still funny...)

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Oh Say Can You See...

Great Doonesbury comic strip to check out. Thanks to the Daily Dose.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Homeland Security

Now, I know everyone's concentrating on airport security -- and as Martha would say, that's a good thing.

But what about your house? Your belongings? How do you secure them?

Don't worry, help is here:

I'm happy to announce...
...The complete guide to home security:

1) Your cash and other valuables. I know what you're thinking "Steve, I thought this was supposed to be funny." Oops, I mean you're thinking "Steve, I keep my cash and valuables at the bank -- surely they're safer there."

WRONG. Haven't you been to the movies? Haven't you rented a DVD lately? Banks get robbed all the time. You need to get your cash and valubles and bring them home. GO...I'll wait.

Now that you've saved your possesions from bank robbers, I'll tell you where to put them so they are 100% (well 98.7%) safe: In a brown paper bag on top of your refrigerator. That way, if someone breaks into your house, they'll waste all their time looking for a safe or one of those cool wall vaults hidden behind a portrait (like in Batman) and not notice where your cash, jewels and beer cap collection are.

2) Your on-line information: Sure, you've got a firewall, passwords, etc. -- but they're not protecting you from anything. Want proof? I can tell the last site you visited -- click here to see. The best way to keep yourself safe is by using a password so simple no one will guess. That password is snarkle45. So go ahead, change all your passwords to snarkle 45. I'll wait...but be quick. While you're at it, write down all your account information--and the password--on a piece of white tape and place it under your keyboard.

3) Your house: Lock it up, man. Get locks on all your doors and keep 'em locked. Also, DON'T CARRY YOUR KEYS WHEN YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE. All it takes is one quick pickpocket and boom, there's someone else in your house and there's nothing you can do about it.

When you leave, place your keys to the right of your front door, under a rock. To help you remember which rock, paint a "K" on it.

That's it! You're now completely secure. Let me know if you found this interesting by sending an e-mail. Be sure to include your name, address and when you'll be out of town.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

In the News...

Couple news items caught my eye recently. Did you hear that Aussie Croc'restler Steve Irwin discovered a new type of turtle? They say the turtles are the most bizarre, mean-spirited thing to come out of Australia...since Mel Gibson.

I was listening to the radio the other day when Paul Harvey came on. Before he started into an amusing anedote about something he did with the other founding fathers, he started with "You've heard the news, now..."

Hold on a second Paul, you don't get the picture. The BIG news is that you're still alive, buddy. Either that or they forced him to record trivia stories for 20 straight years back in the 60's and he's actually being kept in suspended animation somewhere in Chicago. Maybe that's the rest of the story.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

One more reference...

Hat's off to Carlos Mencia -- one funny dude. It's the "Dee Dee Dee" song from his Comedy Central Show, as found on YouTube:

Worth Checking Out

I know blond jokes are cliche -- and *maybe* unfair...
...but I thought this one was worth passing on.
Let me know what you think.

(If you want to pass it on, use this link:

Tuesday, August 15, 2006


Just saw the new Ann Coulter book. It really is a frightening view...
...or at least the cover photo is.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006


The other day I called a customer service line. Middle of the day, big company, lots of people probably trying to get through. No surprise, I ended up on hold.

All of a sudden a recorded message came on and said "Please hold for the next available representative."

Really? I get the next available person? That's pretty messed up -- what about all the other people on hold?

So I hung up.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Plain Brown Wrapper

So I’m listening to Howard Stern on Sirius Radio and an ad comes on for a video you can get to add some spice to your “lovelife.” No big deal until the end, when the announcer says if you order now, they’ll include a special gift so “sensual” they can’t mention it on the radio.

Let me go back for a second: I’m listening to HOWARD STERN on UNCENSORED satellite radio. What could they possibly be offering that they can’t say out loud?

What shows up if you order this stuff? A donkey? A third-world sex slave couple?

Here’s my rule: if you can't tell me what it is on the Howard Stern show, I don’t want you shipping it to my house. My FBI file is fat enough already, thank you.

Voice Activated ATM

Click for the latest post

There’s a bank commercial where a teller helps a lady get her card back from an ATM machine and then an older gentleman, thinking it’s a talking ATM, asks for a withdrawal. Very cute in an Art Linkletter kind of way.

Well, I had a similar experience recently:

I’m on my way to purchase something from our local convenience store. Not wanting to plop down plastic for a dollar-and-change purchase, I go across the street to a bank ATM. With the sun glare I can’t see at first that the machine is down for maintenance, so I try to put my card in.

On about the third time I decide the right thing to do is yell at the machine (that’s what they’re for, really), so I gripe “Come on BITCH!”

…and I hear a female teller’s voice from the other side: “It’s CLOSED right now…bastard.”

(Ok, I added the bastard, but it would’ve been true if she did say it.)

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