Saturday, September 22, 2007

Wicked Hardcore Securitay

Attention people of Boston: Not everything that glows is a bomb. First, the city went into hysteria over an ad for Adult they've gone all Rambo over a kid's shirt. One thing about terrorist -- they're rarely that obvious. Oh, and they're rarely art students. Face it, if an art student wanted to cause terror, they'd just put Exlax in the cappuccino's they serve at their day job.

That said, if you're not part of the security detail in the Chowda City, I've got a suggestion for you as well: leave your weird, flashing electronic crap at home. Seriously, nobody wants to see your personal statement on the ethos and the universe when they're trying to get to the Southwest terminal in time to be in the "A" Group. If you really want to shock people, try showing up clean and showered over at the bus terminal.

Here's a similar message, a la video...

Monday, September 17, 2007

The Optimist on your iPod

You know, just because you can make a podcast doesn't mean you should -- but hope springs eternal for many. Below I've gathered some podcasts obviously made by some of the most optimistic folks on the web.

Talk on you crazy diamonds...

The Wiggly Podcast - That's right, a podcast series on composting. Something to listen to while you watch things rot.

SwineCast - Pig out on these, there's not 12, not 14, but 15 podcasts with all the latest gossip...on the swine industry.

Look at His Butt - This is the most...complete...blogandpostcastever
...William Shatner's ass*.

The Driver Instructors Podcast
- Finally! Now you can zone out while at the wheel while listening to safe driving tips.

Living Healthy: The Insomnia Podcast - Can't sleep? 'Nuff said.

Real Lawn Sense Podcast - This time, it's something to listen to while you watch the grass grow.

Listen Up! Podcast coming soon on Early Hearing Loss - put this one on your iPod and crank it, man!

Oh, and if you make any of these podcasts, or if you have an RSS feed to make sure you get the latest, relax. I'm just kidding around. I'd probably make my own podcast if I wasn't so damn lazy...

...oh look, there's a podcast for that too.

*Yes, I get the joke, but no I don't think the term "William Shatner's ass" is redundant.

Now accepting charity...

Jim, Vice President of our frequent reader club, offered this little bit:

"The difference between passing out and falling asleep is taking your shoes off." I've now started drinking barefoot.

Extra Baggage

Well, I got to spend a little time at the airport recently, and I think my favorite part is baggage claim. I know, you thought I was gonna say bathroom stall, but nope - it's the baggage claim.

After you've taken your shoes off and put your travel-size minoxidil in a little baggie, if you still think that flying makes you part of the elite, the "jet set," etc. - well the baggage claim should shatter that myth.

Going into the airport your luggage is treated like a rare artifact from a lost civilization. Everyone wears gloves, it's constantly monitored, it's x-rayed, recorded and identified with a high-tech bar coded insignia...

...coming out, it's treated like garbage. And there we are, like a bunch of rabid dogs, begging, waiting, positioning ourselves to make sure we get our underwear and stolen hotel towels back safely.

But that's when the real fun begins. I don't know whether it's the 4 hours of recirculated air, the copious tiny bottles of airplane booze or the jet lag, but something activates the idiot gene before we get to baggage claim. People eye every bag that looks remotely like theirs because, you know, that broken handle might have regrown on your bag during flight. Maybe your green bag really does look pink in this light. Maybe you did put a PowderPuff Girls patch on your suitcase and just don't remember it.

I saw one woman actually pull a bag over, open one of the compartments and poke inside to make sure it was hers -- and it wasn't.

What does she do if she can't find her date at the movies? ("Wow, that is huge...I must be in the wrong row.")

Oh, and there's this little gem: One of the carousels I frequented recently had a monitor on top where they announce when the precious cargo from your flight has been dragged out of the puddles on the tarmac and thrown onto the baggage conveyor.

At the bottom it said that after the display states that all luggage has been put out for your flight, please wait ten minutes.

Um, why? I mean, if the airline isn't sure that all the luggage has been put out, well, here's an idea: how about they wait ten minutes before changing the sign?

I doubt they change the display to say that the plane has landed while it's still circling the runway. There's no need to estimate when they think all the luggage is on the carousel - go ahead and give it a minute and be sure. I mean, the people waiting at the carousel don't even know what time it is, they just paid $6 for a coffee, and they think their golf clubs might be in that large purse - how the hell are they supposed to know when 10 minutes is up?

Anyway, I gotta go before that lady breaks my windshield just to see if it's her car.

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