Friday, December 21, 2007

I didn't write this, I did

So our local caterer has a dilemma. He was hired to do a dinner for the State Schizophrenics Association.

They sent invites to 300 members. 175 replied that they couldn't make it...

...and 250 replied that they could.

(oh stop groaning, it's just a joke)

Monday, December 17, 2007

For the Man who has everything

Wanna share the love? Click on the envelope icon below to send this post to anyone (or everyone) in your e-mail program...

Something to Chew On

You know, I just realized something odd.

Congress hasn't been able to decide if water boarding, a practice where a water-soaked rag is put in someone's mouth before water is poured over their face, should be illegal...

...but they had no problem bringing Clinton up for impeachment over the Monica Lewinsky scandal.

It just seems they have a weird set of priorities about what it's okay to put in someone else's mouth.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Waiting on the Writing, Part II

Well, even though I did the Top 10 spoof, the folks over at offer a much better reason to give writers their props:

You know what they say, a picture is worth a thousand words...

...which earns your average writer about half a cent when it's on DVD.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Obama Prize Patrol

Barack Obama announced the other day he has a plan to fix our educational system...

...for the low low price of 18 Billion dollars.

Really? I mean, how hard is it to plan when you start with the assumption that you can spend 18 billion dollars?

Think about it -- think about the biggest problem you have. Hell, think about the biggest problem your whole state -- or the whole country -- has. This side of international crisis and disease, I'm thinking most of them can be helped pretty easily with an extra 18 billion dollars or so.

In fact, I'm really hoping Obama didn't spend much time on the rest of the plan.

If you're gonna pledge to spend eighteen billion dollars to fix something, that pretty much says it all. Instead of a stump speech, he should just show 'em the money.

"Obama, what would you do about the education crisis?"
"I'm glad you asked. Here's what I've come up with...."

...and then Ed McMahon could come out with the over-sized check and the balloons.

Now, I know government programs are on a whole different scale than the rest of us are used to. I remember the $700 wrench and the $1000 toilet seat -- but even at that $18 "B-Large" is a lot of scratch.

For instance, for a few 100 million dollars you could hire teachers like the plucky, naive women played by Hillary Swank in Freedom Writers. But with 18 times that much you could actually get Hillary Swank to go from one under performing school to another, convincing students to pull themselves up...and to maybe take up boxing.

Screw that, you could take the kids to see Hillary Swank -- little change of pace might do 'em good, and heck, we're tossing around 18 billion anyway.

There's an old joke about an engineer, a chemist and an economist stuck on an island with canned goods and no way to open them. After the others explain how to open the cans, the economist describes his theory:

"First, let's assume we have a can opener..."

Obama, I'm not sure you'd make a good President - but you're one hell of an economist.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Quick Brake

I'll assume that by now, everyone's heard jokes about those "Slow Kids Ahead" signs.

(If you haven't, they're roadside signs to warn children that children might be in the road...
... not predictions for the outcome of the No Child Left Behind act).

Well, I saw an even better sign the other day:


Now, this is either...

(a) the most honest construction area sign ever
(b) the work of a woman in the sign shop with a sense of humor or
(c) the worst possible advertisement for a Disability Employment Program

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Waiting on the Writing

Just one man, making a comment on the Writers' Strike.

Here's hoping for a resolution soon...

But wait, there's more!

Strange Bastard Offspring

Are you like me? Do you spend late Tuesday nights wondering what would happen if Family Guy and Kids in The Hall mated? And what it Kids in The Hall took a LOT of illicit drugs during the pregnancy?*

Well, wonder know more. Meet Old Gregg...

But wait, there's more:

*Yes, I considered KITH to be the woman in the relationship. I mean really, was it even up for debate?

Speaking of strange men in drag, a special thank you to Mike for finding these disturbing little films.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Sad but True

Sorry, but someone had to say it...

To send this along to your favorite GOP supporter, click on the envelope icon below.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Taking it off

Today President Bush sent a clear message to Pakistani President Musharraf that it's time to "take off the uniform."

You gotta admit, it's not everyday the leader of the free world tells someone to take off their clothes...

...well, at least not in the last decade or so.

Of course, he also said that "we believe strongly in elections."
At hearing this, several members of the administration laughed so hard they peed.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

The Power of the Spoken Word

I hope I don't get sued.

The other day I heard an ad for a "program" you can pay for that teaches you the right vocabulary to use with your unruly children. From disobedience to ADD, you'll learn what to say to your child to end their disruptive behavior immediately.

I wondered what these magic words were...and then it came to me. I don't want to give away their trade secret, but I bet it goes something like this:

After your teen finishes breakfast, just as they run out the door, give them this note:

"Dear Son/Daughter - I put a poison in your breakfast. I'll give you the anecdote tonight...
...if you behave."

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Glowing Frustration

Well, it's fall - the time of year when the leaves turn colors, the air gets cooler, and highway departments work at a frantic pace to finish projects before winter. Because, you know, back when they were planning these projects nobody knew that summer wouldn't last forever.

So with the last minute road projects comes the world's most finicky of traffic controllers: the guys (and gals) with the STOP/SLOW signs on that big pole. You'd think having the power to control the traffic would be kinda cool - but nope, not for these folks. I don't know if it's the loud noise, the hot asphalt or maybe the teasing from the coworkers that get to drive the big trucks, but these are not happy people.

Say you're coming up to one with the STOP sign facing you. You slow down and then creep up just a tad so that you're in place for the eventual right-of-way. INSTANTLY they spring into motion. They're snarling at you, frantically shoving their palms towards the ground like a bankrobber threatening to use an M16. You can stop. You can put your car in park. You can take apart the engine and line the pieces up on the shoulder -- nothing will convince them that you've gotten the meaning of the word STOP.

...and then it happens...

...the sign switches to SLOW.

And by SLOW they mean: heybuddygetyourtwobitpieceofcrapimportthroughherenow!

They immediately are disgusted with anyone going below warp 4. Their free arm waves in a dramatic circle, as if they're trying to create a vacuum to actually help propel your car through the construction zone.

It's obvious that I don't know what speed to go when I come up on these zones, so I kinda wish they'd just let me scoot over and they could drive my car through the zone. They could jolt my car from a dead stop to full throttle and back as they see fit, and I could sit next to them and go "Oooh, that's what you meant by SLOW."

It's be kinda like having a construction zone valet.
After all, they're already wearing the vests...

Saturday, October 27, 2007

No, I "Really" meant that....

You know what I've always found to be "annoying?" People that "use" quotation marks for emphasis. It always makes me think the word(s) in quotes are supposed to be sarcastic, or have a double entendre.

Well, apparently I'm not "alone."

Check out The "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks

...and tell them "I" sent you.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Digging a Digg

Thanks to Digg user Noah Hayes for supplying this junior high no-friggin-way funny bit:

He found a site for BJ Services...which is mildly humorous on it's own.

But it gets better:

They specialize in, among other things, "Pumping Services"...

...and "Tubular Services"


...wait for it...

"Completion Services"

Because let's face it, you wouldn't call BJ Services Company if you didn't want the Completion Services.

Oh, and they have a "GO BJ" icon. Kinda sounds like a cheer or something. They should put it in a jingle. Something catchy. You know, something you could hum along to. Maybe something that would get stuck in your head. Well, maybe not that catchy.

It's safe to say, now that they've caught the attention of Digg, I'm sure BJ Services will be a big hit. Heck, I bet it won't be long before BJ is on everyone's li...

...never mind.

Contain yourself

The other day I heard an ad for "the world's most exciting cat show." I noticed they stopped short of saying the world's most exciting pet show...I guess they know that no one can really compete with what Michael Vick puts together.

I actually thought it was an odd way to bill a cat show at all, actually. Are they really that exciting? Does it take work to make a cat show more exciting than any other cat show in the world?

What I'm really worried about is that this'll set off a whole competition. I'm thinking there's a cat show somewhere in Alabama that's gonna add lasers, then one on the west coast will do a whole feline medieval jousting act.

It'll just keep going up and up until some promoter puts cat treats at the end of a long waxed floor that slopes towards a wood chipper*.

And one thing is for sure: I doubt the cats think these things are that exciting. A bag of catnip and a ball of tin foil pretty much set the standard for exciting to a cat...or maybe a mouse with a bad leg and a strong constitution.

*And no, I am in no way suggesting cats should be put anywhere near a wood chipper. Wood chippers are expensive...and a pain to clean.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

The Scene of the Crime

Received this ad via e-mail. If you've seen it before that's just too damn bad -- pass it on to someone who hasn't.

It's a fiat commercial, and it's friggin' hilarious:

You can send it along by clicking on the envelope icon below...

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

The Sound of Silence

So, now they are say that taking Viagra can cause a loss of hearing.

Let me get this straight:

You marry a woman for 20, 30 years or so. You start to, you know, lose a little steam in the engine. Then you take this pill and you're all ready to go again...

...except now you can't hear what she's saying.

It really is a miracle drug.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Flake-free Shampoo

You know, the "Wash, rinse and repeat" instruction on shampoo bottles has been used in countless jokes...

...but did you ever think that maybe the instruction itself is a joke. An inside joke - on how those of us lost in the masses live lives of quiet repetition. We wash, we rinse, we go about our boring lives - and then we repeat. Perhaps it's a wink and nod at how silly we are... we are the "Great Washed."

Somewhere, perhaps there's a Illuminati, an elite rank, that wash their hair some days, shave it off the next*, put it in dreadlocks the day after and so on, laughing in their smugness and how droll life is for the rest of us. Perhaps their secret lizard race doesn't even need shampoo, and the endless cycle is another way of keeping us in check.

In fact, maybe their control is through the shampoo. Think about it - most of the people that believe in the Illuminati probably don't wash. or rinse. or repeat.

It would mess up their aluminum foil helmets.

(*I know, who would've thought that Britney was an Illuminati. Some things we're just not supposed to understand.)

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

NEW! Faves...

Don't you hate when a TV show does one of those cheesy "best bits" shows instead of creating somethin' new.

Well, too bad.

I took some time (and, no, not much time) and identified some of my favorite posts with a new tag, called (appropriately) "faves."

So take a look
and enjoy. We'll be back with your regularly scheduled babel soon.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Wicked Hardcore Securitay

Attention people of Boston: Not everything that glows is a bomb. First, the city went into hysteria over an ad for Adult they've gone all Rambo over a kid's shirt. One thing about terrorist -- they're rarely that obvious. Oh, and they're rarely art students. Face it, if an art student wanted to cause terror, they'd just put Exlax in the cappuccino's they serve at their day job.

That said, if you're not part of the security detail in the Chowda City, I've got a suggestion for you as well: leave your weird, flashing electronic crap at home. Seriously, nobody wants to see your personal statement on the ethos and the universe when they're trying to get to the Southwest terminal in time to be in the "A" Group. If you really want to shock people, try showing up clean and showered over at the bus terminal.

Here's a similar message, a la video...

Monday, September 17, 2007

The Optimist on your iPod

You know, just because you can make a podcast doesn't mean you should -- but hope springs eternal for many. Below I've gathered some podcasts obviously made by some of the most optimistic folks on the web.

Talk on you crazy diamonds...

The Wiggly Podcast - That's right, a podcast series on composting. Something to listen to while you watch things rot.

SwineCast - Pig out on these, there's not 12, not 14, but 15 podcasts with all the latest gossip...on the swine industry.

Look at His Butt - This is the most...complete...blogandpostcastever
...William Shatner's ass*.

The Driver Instructors Podcast
- Finally! Now you can zone out while at the wheel while listening to safe driving tips.

Living Healthy: The Insomnia Podcast - Can't sleep? 'Nuff said.

Real Lawn Sense Podcast - This time, it's something to listen to while you watch the grass grow.

Listen Up! Podcast coming soon on Early Hearing Loss - put this one on your iPod and crank it, man!

Oh, and if you make any of these podcasts, or if you have an RSS feed to make sure you get the latest, relax. I'm just kidding around. I'd probably make my own podcast if I wasn't so damn lazy...

...oh look, there's a podcast for that too.

*Yes, I get the joke, but no I don't think the term "William Shatner's ass" is redundant.

Now accepting charity...

Jim, Vice President of our frequent reader club, offered this little bit:

"The difference between passing out and falling asleep is taking your shoes off." I've now started drinking barefoot.

Extra Baggage

Well, I got to spend a little time at the airport recently, and I think my favorite part is baggage claim. I know, you thought I was gonna say bathroom stall, but nope - it's the baggage claim.

After you've taken your shoes off and put your travel-size minoxidil in a little baggie, if you still think that flying makes you part of the elite, the "jet set," etc. - well the baggage claim should shatter that myth.

Going into the airport your luggage is treated like a rare artifact from a lost civilization. Everyone wears gloves, it's constantly monitored, it's x-rayed, recorded and identified with a high-tech bar coded insignia...

...coming out, it's treated like garbage. And there we are, like a bunch of rabid dogs, begging, waiting, positioning ourselves to make sure we get our underwear and stolen hotel towels back safely.

But that's when the real fun begins. I don't know whether it's the 4 hours of recirculated air, the copious tiny bottles of airplane booze or the jet lag, but something activates the idiot gene before we get to baggage claim. People eye every bag that looks remotely like theirs because, you know, that broken handle might have regrown on your bag during flight. Maybe your green bag really does look pink in this light. Maybe you did put a PowderPuff Girls patch on your suitcase and just don't remember it.

I saw one woman actually pull a bag over, open one of the compartments and poke inside to make sure it was hers -- and it wasn't.

What does she do if she can't find her date at the movies? ("Wow, that is huge...I must be in the wrong row.")

Oh, and there's this little gem: One of the carousels I frequented recently had a monitor on top where they announce when the precious cargo from your flight has been dragged out of the puddles on the tarmac and thrown onto the baggage conveyor.

At the bottom it said that after the display states that all luggage has been put out for your flight, please wait ten minutes.

Um, why? I mean, if the airline isn't sure that all the luggage has been put out, well, here's an idea: how about they wait ten minutes before changing the sign?

I doubt they change the display to say that the plane has landed while it's still circling the runway. There's no need to estimate when they think all the luggage is on the carousel - go ahead and give it a minute and be sure. I mean, the people waiting at the carousel don't even know what time it is, they just paid $6 for a coffee, and they think their golf clubs might be in that large purse - how the hell are they supposed to know when 10 minutes is up?

Anyway, I gotta go before that lady breaks my windshield just to see if it's her car.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Two feet apart...

This just in: Rumor has it Larry Craig was just opposed to Gay marriage because it would cut down on the number of "washroom hotties."

Of course, Craig has defended himself, explaining that he has a wide stance when in the bathroom. Ironic, seeing he has such a narrow stance on so many topics.

Exclusive Bathroom Video - Judge for Yourself

Yep, we even beat Drudge to it -- exclusive video from the Minnesota Airport Bathroom. See what really happened and judge for yourself.

Funny, it's my 100th post and somehow I'm still talking about crap.

Update: Hat's off (or should it be pants?) to Keith Olbermann for putting together this video of the "lewd in-the-lou interlou:"

Friday, August 24, 2007

Priceless Pokemon

My wife kicked this one my way, which is good because I've been a little lacking in the funny recently (my bad, I'll get back to it soon...I swear).

Anyway, the piece is actually an eBay item. Nope, not the one where the guy's naked reflection is in the tea pot.

It's even better...

Pokemon Cards at the Store...$3.00
Pokemon Cards sold on eBay...$142.51
Reading about the trip to get the Pokemon Cards? That's Priceless

Click here to see the infamous pack of Pokemon Cards that are probably worthless, and the story behind them that is worth every penny.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Six Seconds of Comedy

No, that's not my college nickname (at least it's not what they said to my face...).

I was looking for something else to add to my "blonde vs. brunette" collection (which seems to bring in a lot of hits....hmmm), and I found this beauty.

You can take it either way -- either...
(1) you shouldn't trust an amateur blonde* gym coach
(2) brunettes can be just as gullible as blondes.

*Yeah, I know "amateur blonde" will probably bring in some hits as well. Go figure

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Presidential Polyps

You may have heard that President Bush had five polyps removed from his colon. After being investigated, it was announced that the polyps were not was also discovered that they were individually registered to vote in Florida.

Of course, the news wasn't all good. Just a few days after being removed, the polyps were called up and sent back in for another 12 to 18 months.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Random Thoughts

You know, I like these new "Please Touch" museums - but I never use their bathrooms. I'm just afraid people get the wrong idea.

Speaking of bathrooms, the other day I headed to the men's room while my wife changed the baby's diaper. When I came out she said "You know, I can change his diaper faster than you can go to the bathroom." That's when the lightbulb went off. She swears that's not what she meant, but I have to admit, her way is faster.

Have you seen these stories in the news where they find someone who's been dead in their house for months and no one knew? Wow. So how do you get that kinda privacy? If I stopped answering the phone for more than a day, the telemarketers would probably send out a search party. Hell, if I turn off my cell phone to take a dump people send out the National Guard. I can't get enough alone time to have a beer, let alone a coronary.

Oh, and speaking of privacy, I've got a question: Just what is the hotel definition of the phrase "Do Not Disturb?" Because it clearly means something different to the hotel staff than it means to rest of us. You put it on your door thinking it'll buy you another hour or so for some sleep, to catch a shower, etc. What it apparently means to the hotel staff is "Do Not Disturb...unless you really don't feel like pushing that cart 5 feet to the next door."

Oh well, I'm gonna grab a shower. Don't worry, I'll have the phone with me.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

All About Undecided Voters

Well, I have no idea how I missed this one. It starts a little slow (especially if you've seen the Family Guy episode), but then the mash up with the debate starts, so hang in there.

Seth McFarlane couldn't have written a funnier version himself.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Mail Call: The Man of the People

I received this joke via e-mail -- apparently it's a classic (which I'm reading as "public domain"). Here's my version:

Of course, the Bible tells us that Jesus was Jewish. But even if it didn't, there are 3 good arguments to back it up:
1. He went into His Fathers business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin . . . and his Mother was sure he was God.

It's also been said that Jesus was Black -- and there are 3 good arguments to support that as well:
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial

...but then are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil

But wait, there's more. There are also three equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

Surprisingly, there are even 3 good arguments that Jesus was a woman:

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do.

(As for me, I'm just hoping Jesus appreciates a good joke...)

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Stamp Recall

Breaking News: Only days after releasing the new Gerald Ford stamp, the U.S. Postal Service is considering a recall...

...It appears that the stamps keep falling off the envelopes.

Friday, June 08, 2007

Damn You Vile Reader

I have to apologize. It's my fault Family Guy went off the air the first time. Oh, and probably the second time. I'll explain...

I was one of those guys, part of that "target demographic," that apparently had something better to do when Fox put it on the air the first time. Like many of you, I was busy. Between waiting for my friends to call so I could answer with "Wazzzzzuuup," trying to download the Cha Cha Slide off of Napster, and waiting up to see the newest episode of "That's My Bush," my time was taken - sorry, Seth.

Of course, FOX gave us another run in 2002, but again I was too busy to tune in. We were a nation at high tension (wondering if Bennifer would make it, that is), slurping down Pepsi Blue and turning to our new guru, Dr. Phil. And again, Seth, we were so so sorry.

Anyway, third time's the charm. I'm not sure I'm the target demographic anymore, but I do watch. Heck, to make up for letting McFarlane and company down the first two times I buy the DVD's. I even watch American Dad, and - let's face it - that was a little tough those first few episosdes.

To further help redeem myself, here's some of the best of the best part of Family Guy - Stewie:

To see more funny stuff, click here. To find out why you were too busy to watch Family Guy, click here.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Up Up and Away

I don't know if you heard this, but apparently Viagra may reduce jet lag.

Of course, if you should remain in the air for more than four hours, you should contact a Doctor immediately.

So, soon travelers will be popping the little blue pill before take-off. I don't fly much, but I'm not looking forward to this at all. I mean, you think it's awkward getting out of a window seat now?

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Sh-t my PJ's One More Time

Don't you think just the fact that this kid has been immortalized for singing Britney Spears in his PJ's is traumatic enough?

Does he also need to have the crap scared out of him by his Mom?

Friday, May 18, 2007

The Gritty Truth

Like many of you, I was so distraught at the thought of young Paris Hilton facing jail time that I went on a four-day bender of booze and, of course, candy.

So, after 90-plus hours of drinking tequila and eating malt balls I woke up on windy stretch of beach with a pounding headache, a blood sugar level in the thousands, and a boot print on my chest. Wandering into a local bathroom to wash up, I thought about how, like so many of today's celebrities, my life could become tragic if I didn't see the err in my ways.

As I splashed water on my face and washed off the scent of that cross-country bus I got on during day two, I decided it was time for me to take my life in a new direction... quit free-basing alcohol and high-fructose corn syrup products, and - who knows - maybe stop kicking people sleeping at the bus station just to "see what happens."

I was ready to adapt, to improve myself, to correct my path.

...and then I saw the sign.

"No Changing Allowed in the Bathroom."

I figured these 4" blue vinyl letters were a sign (and, yes, it was a sign - about 2 feet high and 3 feet wide - but also a figurative sign) from fate not to be argued with.

So here I am again drowning my sorrows in gin and peanut brittle...and I can't help but think:

Will David Hasselhoff recover from his latest video-taped rant?

...and... that guy over there asleep or dead?

Only one way to find out.

Say Hello to My Little Friend

Okay, okay. So I once wrote about how useless the weather report on TV is. Well, I stand corrected. I heard the audio of this on Howard Stern and did some research to find the video.

Now here is a weather report worth watching:

By the way, it's still up for debate whether or not (no pun intended) this meteorologist is having a worst day than this anchor.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Church is Calling - STAT

So recently I went to a hospital that had valet parking - possibly one of the best ideas since the 22nd amendment.

Let's face it, with any luck you don't go to the hospital that often, which means you don't know where your going or where the hell to park your car. And honestly, if you do have to go to the hospital often, there's a good chance you still don't know where you're going or where the hell to park your car.

So what happens? Everyone stops at the door and let's out the would-be-patient. Now, this person is going to the hospital, which means the odds of them just hoppin' out of the car as it coasts by the door are pretty low.

Of course, some people don't even wait for the door. They just stop their car and throw on the flashers ...anywhere. Hell, they've got someone who needs to get to the hospital, dammit.

At least with valet parking you get to feel that rush of urgency without tying up every possible entrance and exit.

Speaking of valet parking...

... I once went to dinner at a place that used a valet company called - I'm not making this up - "One Way Valet."

Isn't "one way valet" car-jacking? I think most people are anticipating a "Round Trip Valet" when they hand over the keys. But maybe that's just me...

Now, as much fun as parking at the hospital can be, it's heaven compared to parking at church. Have you tried this recently?

I'll pull up to church and there are cars everywhere.

Parked in fire lanes, parked on the curb next to the church, making up little spots at the end of rows. There are people that don't even stop their cars - they just use The Club to lock the wheel to the left and leave it making slow circles in the back of the lot.

You'd think there was a Stones performance immediately following the homily.

But here's the best part, when you get a little closer you can see that there are plenty of regular spaces. You know, the kind with lines, that don't block fire hydrants, aren't on the grass, etc. But, no, apparently people were in too big a hurry to look for these.

I mean, how bad do you want to be in that front pew that you pull the car onto the curb half a block away and have grandma and the kids huff it?

"Hurry, Janet...there's no time to look for a closer spot. You know the Lord is near-sighted - if you're not in the first five rows, he doesn't know you're there! Run, dammit! Leave the kids, they're just slowing us down!"

And if you really do want to make sure you get right up front in the Holy Mosh Pit, can't you just get there a little earlier? I mean, church is held at the same time every week. It's not like you're sitting at home, enjoying a leisurely Sunday morning and all of sudden BAM - the Church Alarm goes off...

"Ken? Ken!? Get up, Church is calling! Move it kids, we've got to goooo! They can't start until we get there! I've got to put the hymn numbers up!"

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Odd Little Bits

Hey there. I've only got a couple minutes, but I wanted to share a few random thoughts.

Now, I may have clicked past it too fast, but I swear I recently saw an add for an erasable address book? Really? Who's out there going "I am so mad at you - that's it - you are coming out of the address book"? Make a commitment and stick with it, dammit.

Just wondering... if your thoughts on race relations are influenced by what you hear on the Imus show, don't you really have bigger problems?

Finally, President Bush recently said that many Americans wish we weren't at war...including him. Is it just me, or isn't it actually up to him? I mean, if you say you hate my sweater, well that's fine. But if I hate my sweater, then why the hell am I wearing it? (yea, I know, I've got some kinda odd sweater fetish.)

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Fact vs. Fiction

You avid readers (both of you) may recall that I recently wrote a post where I mentioned how obsurd it would be to go on a ride called the "Bouncinator" and complain that it "goes up and down too much."

In a case of life imitating art, I was listening to Wait Wait..Don't Tell Me on NPR tonight and they spoke of a ride named "The Scandia Screamer" which apparently created so much noise that neighbor complaints led to a ban of making noise...on the Screamer.

They announce before the ride, literally: "So please remain silent and enjoy the screamer."

You can download/listen to the audio from Wait Wait... on this page, or read the article from I used for my quotes (and other details) here.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Happy Dyngus Day

Yea, I know, I'm barely makin' in under the wire (if that), but at least it's still a surprise. Of course, if you don't know what Dyngus Day is, here's some background from the foremost experts on Polish Traditions...the Knoxville News Sentinel:

For what it's worth, I usually see water used...
...not frying pans.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Pratically Dripping

Well, Spring is here, which means it's time to put away the sweaters.

Kind of a weird name if you think about it: sweaters.

I mean, they're actually a somewhat dressy piece of clothing.

I guess you'd call them upscale casual -- kind of the Olive Garden of the clothing world.

Yet there it is: the word "sweat" right in the beginning. Like you go to your closet to pick something out to wear for a nice evening (like first dinner with the girlfriends' parents) and you think "what do I have the just screams 'perspiration'?"

Nobody really wears these things to help with sweating, do they? Ironically, if you're wearing a sweater and you actually do sweat, most people take them off -- as if it's a big surprise. Like getting on a ride called the boucinator and complaining that it "goes up and down too much."

Maybe they should call them "cozies" -- you know, like the things you put on beer cans...
...or "static generators." Either one would be more accurate if you ask me (but no one ever asks me...ever).

Then they could use the name sweaters for more appropriate pieces of clothing... flannel boxers, for instance.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Good Times and Good Friends

They say most accidents happen at home...

...that's probably because home is where your friends are.

This clip demonstrates my point:

More to come. No, seriously I mean it this time.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Hot Amateur Action

Well, maybe not that hot, but I figured I'd give it a title that would get your attention...and probably bring in some very disappointed web-surfers.

First, there's the misadventures of a squirrel that got into someone's pumpkins - fermented pumpkins. Starts funny, then gets slightly sad, then gets very funny. According to a comment on the YouTube page, the squirrel was fine the next day (like you cared).

Next, there's a hilarious amateur music video, from a guy with great writing and timing, about his family's suspicions - "not that there's anything wrong with that."

What, you want more funny videos? Well, you can click here for a whole page of 'em.

Or, for original content, just click here.

Monday, March 05, 2007

I'd Rather be Blogging

I may have recently heard one of the most optimistic phrases since "Mission Accomplished."

Someone was reading one of those lists of things that people should do instead of doing drugs.

Now, there are undoubtedly a lot of reasons not to do drugs, and there are probably a lot more pleasurable things to do with your time, but one suggestion in particular stood out.


Here it is:

"Read a book."

All I can figure is that the most optimistic librarian in the world somehow got on the panel to decide what activities are more fun than getting high...

...or that the panel was high when they made up the list.

Oh, books are good things -- heck, they're great things. We should all read more books, and we should all do less drugs -- but I don't think that's exactly the decision process most people make. It's not like there are hordes of heroin users who are only shooting up because the next Harry Potter book hasn't come out yet.

And I don't think if Stephen King stopped publishing novels that crack use would suddenly explode. If so, it's ironic that one man's addiction to creating novels of hellish worlds is what's saving us from a hellish world of addicts.

In fact, I don't think the two are necessarily mutually exclusive. I guess I can't be sure that I've seen someone read a book while getting high, but I'm pretty sure it could happen. Who knows, it might even make reading some books better (Ann Coulter comes to mind).

I'm just saying that if you're trying to give people alternatives to lure them away from drugs, you better make 'em good.

I don't think the internal debate "Should I get high? Well, if I don't get high I could read a book..." is gonna get very far.

The only way this might work is if...

(1) the person contemplating drugs is very gullible and
(2) they've never tried drugs before and
(3) they've already tried reading

In this case, they might think "Why go to the trouble using drugs if it's even less fun than reading a book. Hell, the library is free..."

If you want to teach kids the downside of using drugs, try something a little more direct. Maybe have'em watch COPS, or check out "Faces of Meth" - you know, something that kinda reinforces the right image.

Anyway, I just wanted to point that out. I think I'm gonna call it a night.

Maybe I'll read a little...

..unless I can think of something better to do.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Newbery Nutcases

Look, I know this may be a little outdated, but, hey I have a life (well, sort of...) so don't kill me, just read on.

So, I read a post from Women Behaving Badly (shameless plug) about a book...

...A book that won the Newbery Medal for children's literature
...A book that called "an amazing story."
...A book that had the gaul to use the word (please make sure you're seated)...


Yep, that's right, we're now banning books for using the word "scrotum." In case your confused, I don't mean it uses a slang for scrotum - it doesn't use the term "nutsack" or "thigh tonsils," just the good old Merriam-Webster approved term "scrotum."

Now, I know -- the whole world is trying to protect our youth, innocence of childhood, yada yada yada, but let me put this into perspective:

This book won the Newbery Medal, which is given to children's literature - so we're not talking about a picture book. This is not Norton Nears a Nutsack or Scrotes the Magic Dragon. This is a book to be read by children of an older age: 14, 13, maybe 12.

So, what these paranoid book banners are attempting to do is prevent 12 and 13 year olds from seeing the medical term for something that half of them already have.

These are the same thirteen year olds who went to second grade in the fall of 2001, settled down to hear a story about a goat, and came home that day to learn a whole bunch of new vocabulary words: hi-jacking, terrorist, and jihad ...just to name a few.

They got to learn new geography, too. Places like Afghanistan, Iraq, and, for more than a few of them, Dover, Delaware.

I don't mean to bring the room down - and I'm not advocating taking the plastic wrap off the "top shelf" magazines, but seriously, I think any 13 year old that has the gumption to actually read some literature ought to have the chance.

As Lisa put it, anyone who's afraid it might lead to an uncomfortable vocab lesson should,
you know,
grow a pair.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Repealin' the Double-Deuce

On behalf of comedy writers everywhere, I'd like to propose repealing the 22nd Amendment (you can find out what it is here - go ahead, I'll wait).

If a picture is worth a thousand words than a bumper sticker is worth...well, no that comparison kind of falls apart. Still, I think this one is priceless:

If you want to post this on your blog (or homepage, etc.). Please don't hotlink to this image -- just go to this link over at Blip Bits and you can get cut and paste HTML to proudly display your lazycomic original.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Don't Judge Me Because I'm Lazy

Yea, I know, I should settle down and write something, but it's not called now is it?

I'll get back to my usual droll observations eventually. In the meantime I found this Ameriquest ad and had to post it. Not sure how I missed it on TV:

Now, just so you have a matching set, here's another one from the same company that I did see on TV (maybe on last year's Superbowl?). Like all those new candy bars, it's just as good, but a little darker:

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Go Back to British...

Well, it took some digging, but I found a video clip from a recent American Idol that is hilarious. It starts with a performer who's singing is no where near as bad as her handling of criticism.

Don't get me wrong, this young lady could probably out-sing me (and most of my friends -- sorry guys, the truth hurts), but she seems so surprised that they go "negative."

Has she ever watched this show?! The show is on because it's negative -- if it wasn't negative it would be called Star Search.

Of course, that's not the funny part I wanted to show you. Heck, I'd show a clip without the performance if I had one.

The GOOD part is in the follow-up interview where one of Jasmine's supporters suggests that Simon just go "home" so-to-speak. Watch for yourself...

Now, I'm sure there are people in Britain who would love to say that Simon is from somewhere else, but I don't think they'd agree that Americans have a monopoly on good music. I'm pretty sure you can still place bets on when the "American Invasion" is going to hit England.

Oh, and in case you missed it, the supporters are sporting a sign that says Jasmine is "are American Idol." Apparently schools in American don't teach grammar as "good" as the ones in British.

Other Funny Posts:
Spam Bit - In-box 'Priceless' Husband Joke - Kitty Ribbon Rant

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Now THIS would be a Miracle Product

I can see the late night infomercial now:

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

A Classic Bowl Ad

So, last Sunday's ads were - by most accounts - less than stellar. Couple of good ones, but not much to comment on. Now, if you're looking for a great Bowl Ad, this is what I'd recommend:

Looking for more laughs? Click on one of the labels below for more related humor.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Gettin' Ready for Sunday

Couple of great ads. This first one really demonstrates the meaning of the "best man"

Actually, now that I think about it, I'm not sure what this second clip is an ad for - hell, maybe it's not an ad at all. Regardless, it's funny...and it's got subtitles.

Ok, so they weren't English subtitles - you can't have everything.

I've got a parody of my own coming. I mean, I wouldn't hold your breath, but it's on the way.


Thursday, February 01, 2007

We Now Return to Your Regularly Scheduled Program

Yea, I know...the blog hasn't exactly been in sweeps-week mode recently. Don't worry, don't fret...I'm coming back.

I'm gonna get everybody ready for the most important part of Superbowl weekend, and then I've got something original brewing as well. If you haven't already, this would be a good time to subscribe to this blog so you know when new stuff hits...or make it your homepage...or, hell, quit or job and just watch the screen.

Anyway, thanks for your patience and the many warm letters of concern.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Life with a Wedge of Lime

So, I took one of those cheesy "you are" tests, and it came back that if I was a beer, I'd be a Corona. Now, the idea that my personality matches a Corona, is all cool with know, in a calypso beach party kinda way.

So I was pretty content with the analysis...until I read the damn thing:

You Are Corona

You don't drink for the love of beer. You drink to get drunk.

You prefer a very light, very smooth beer. A beer that's hardly a beer at all.

And while you make not like the taste of beer, you like the feeling of being drunk.

You drink early and often. Sometimes with friends. Sometimes alone. All the party needs is you!

What's this guy got against Corona? I mean, it's not opague and spicy and yes, there is something to be said about any beverage that you have to add something to. But just because you put hot fudge on Breyer's doesn't mean it's not good ice cream.

Granted, no one adds anything to a Guiness, but what the hell would you add...bacon? (Yes, I now realize that one of you will add bacon to your next bottle of Guiness -- just do me two favors: cook it [the bacon] first and let me know how it turns out.)

"Hardly a beer at all?" Damn, that's harsh. I mean, the guy that wrote this is not getting VIP treatment at a Buffet concert anytime soon.

And who the hell drinks Corona alone? First off, one of the best parts about drinking is that it makes other people more interesting. And if you're gonna drink alone, you probably want it to move a little quicker than Corona speed.

Anyway, I gotta go. My bottle's empty, I'm out of lime and there's no one here to get me another beer.

Besides, I've got to get up early and start drinking. You know, it's always a party...

Monday, January 15, 2007

Für Jim

One of my regular readers (aw hell, one of my only readers) is spending some time in the Fatherland, so I thought I'd send out a little video reminder showing the importance of understanding the local language.

Other Funny Posts: Spam Bit - In-box 'Priceless' Husband Joke - Kitty Ribbon Rant

Something Phunni ...and Something from France

Wanted to send out a couple thank you's...

The first goes to Fruvous from the great site for noticing on their site. Phunni is a social bookmarking tool for, well, funny stuff. No posts on how to hack your water heater, no debates on the secret plan to control us through nanorobots in the water supply, just funny stuff. Check it out and, please, feel free to post something funny from here on there.

Second, thanks to someone over at, a French beer-making site for noticing the blog. Usually, you want to avoid links from sites with "ass" and "amateur" in the URL, but a link from a group of beer lovers is always welcome.


Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Jerry is Gone, but Chevy Keeps Goin'

A few days ago, I mentioned that President Ford should be remembered for many things...including giving Chevy Chase some great material.

Of course, Chevy has delivered a lot of other funny stuff -- who didn't grow up with the Vacation movies? He apparently even has an international following, as seen in the cola ad from Google Video below. Maybe he's the Turkish Jerry Lewis (I'm trademarking that...I doubt anyone has every put those three words together ever).

Anywoo, enjoy:

Other Funny Posts: Spam Bit - In-box 'Priceless' Husband Joke - Kitty Ribbon Rant

Monday, January 08, 2007

Of Oil, Gas and Grass - News in Review

In a top story today, a strange gas odor filled New York City. The stench was so bad the squirrels in Central Park were seen covering their noses with their nuts. (I hope Letterman doesn't have a patent on the whole squirrel/nuts genre.) Anyway...

Some top scientists now think we that we may have found life on Mars thirty years ago...and accidently destroyed it with the testing process. Apparently it was part of a "No Microbe Left Behind" program.

In other science news, there is new hope for using stem cells found in amniotic fluid. It seems there's been some confusion over this at the White House...most of it on how to pronounce "amniotic."

Meanwhile, in Oslo, Norway, a prisoner escaped from his jail cell by rubbing vegetable oil on his naked body and the slipping through the steel bars. He will be performing this act again Friday at the Backslide Cafe in Dupont Circle, DC.

This guy from Norway could probably help a Nassau County correction officer who was caught trying to sneak in marijauna, stuffed inside some Cannoli. Apparently he misunderstood that the easiest was to sneak drugs into prison was stuffed inside a patsy.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Another Satisfied Reader

I know this guy seems to be concentrating on his interview, but I'm pretty sure he was thinking about my blog:

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Happy (Belated) New Year

Well, 2006 is over, and for many it went out on a down note. I know some of you are bummed out because you had President Ford and/or James Brown in your 2007 Death Pool, but should've known they were both part of the conspiracy to screw you over.

Actually, I'm gonna miss them both.

Ford brought some calm to the country when it was sorely needed...and I've forgiven him for giving Chevy Chase* so much airtime on SNL.

As for James Brown well, there was some great music, some great performances, and a classic arrest photo. I do have to point out the irony that he died in the same week that a report was released showing a decrease in domestic violence. You gotta admit, James had timing.

Of course, Saddam Hussein rounded out the celebrity(?) deaths at the end of 2006. I'm just as glad to see him gone as the next guy, but you gotta wonder if it would've been more humiliating to just keep him coming to trial for the next twenty years or so. I mean, evertime he barked something out in that courtroom it did more damage to his legacy than being found guilty did.

They could've just kept bringing him in to spout off in front a rotating cast of characters.You could have b-list celebrities take turns playing the judge -- I can see Kathy Griffin in drag and a black robe now. Somedays he'd refuse to stop talking, sometimes he wouldn't say anything, sometimes he threaten'd be "must see" television.

...And you could get sponsors. Finally there's be something in Iraq that would bring in a little revenue (that is, besides revenue for Haliburton).

What I don't get is all the hysteria about the cell phone video of his hanging. I mean, if you've decided to hang someone, it's not the time to get squeemish about someone posting it to their blog. And I think any pretense of giving the prisoner dignity went out the window with the that tighty-whities photo.

In fact, if Elvis and JFK taught us anything, it should be that famous people need to die in front of cameras -- and a lot of them -- if you really want people to believe they're dead. I mean, if someone had a cell phone video when Paul McCartney died we could finally put to rest all those "Paul is Alive" conspiracies...

*Update 1/10/2007: To be fair, Chevy has brought us some great comedy over the years. Apparently it's gotten him an international following, as seen in the Cola As I've posted here.

Other Funny Posts: Spam Bit - In-box 'Priceless' Husband Joke - Kitty Ribbon Rant

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