Sunday, September 19, 2010

The Porcelain God

I'm worried...and not just that I'll lose the hair on my head and have to use my ear hair for a comb over.

I'm worred that modern bathrooms are undermining Christian beliefs...

...and not just on the morning after the office Christmas party.

I know what you're thinking: "Steve I feel same way...explain to my non-believing friends." Well call 'em over the computer, because here's how it goes:

Back there in the first part of the bible, before all the begats, there's a rule (I know, there are lots of rules, but this is one of the big ones they put on the bulletin board at Sunday School).

The rules is about not praying to idols...I think it's one of the important ones. And, with the exception of the neo-cons that prostate themselves to Anne Coulter's latest book every night*, it's pretty much stuck with us...

...until now.

Now, whenever you use a "modern"public bathroom you don't have to touch anything. Correction, you should still touch somethings -- seriously people a little coordination and aim would really help here -- but I digress...

To be more accurate, you can't touch anything -- at least not to turn it on. Want soap? Better start trying to air stroke the movement detector just right or you'll be there all day, covered in filth. Want water? Again with the clasping and waving.

At the end of it all, you end of with your hands clasps together, waving them and begging for cleanliness from the red, all-seeing eyes. If it's been a long day you actually beg out loud.

Then you end up doing a similar act of contrition to the paper towel gods to get the 4" of rough dry manna they give you to dry your hands with. (Or you get to use one of the new, improved air blowers, which can now blow the skin from your fingers back to your wrists but somehow -- through demonic magic, I'm sure -- still manage not get them dry).

Now that you've been warned, I hope you'll turn away from sin and join those of us that see this evil trickery for what it is. Come join us...

...just don't shake our hands.
*This claim that Anne Coulter fans are actually idol-worshipers is stated as fact even though there is no proof to back it up -- which seems very appropriate.

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