Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Presidential Polyps

You may have heard that President Bush had five polyps removed from his colon. After being investigated, it was announced that the polyps were not cancerous...it was also discovered that they were individually registered to vote in Florida.

Of course, the news wasn't all good. Just a few days after being removed, the polyps were called up and sent back in for another 12 to 18 months.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Random Thoughts

You know, I like these new "Please Touch" museums - but I never use their bathrooms. I'm just afraid people get the wrong idea.

Speaking of bathrooms, the other day I headed to the men's room while my wife changed the baby's diaper. When I came out she said "You know, I can change his diaper faster than you can go to the bathroom." That's when the lightbulb went off. She swears that's not what she meant, but I have to admit, her way is faster.

Have you seen these stories in the news where they find someone who's been dead in their house for months and no one knew? Wow. So how do you get that kinda privacy? If I stopped answering the phone for more than a day, the telemarketers would probably send out a search party. Hell, if I turn off my cell phone to take a dump people send out the National Guard. I can't get enough alone time to have a beer, let alone a coronary.

Oh, and speaking of privacy, I've got a question: Just what is the hotel definition of the phrase "Do Not Disturb?" Because it clearly means something different to the hotel staff than it means to rest of us. You put it on your door thinking it'll buy you another hour or so for some sleep, to catch a shower, etc. What it apparently means to the hotel staff is "Do Not Disturb...unless you really don't feel like pushing that cart 5 feet to the next door."

Oh well, I'm gonna grab a shower. Don't worry, I'll have the phone with me.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

All About Undecided Voters

Well, I have no idea how I missed this one. It starts a little slow (especially if you've seen the Family Guy episode), but then the mash up with the debate starts, so hang in there.

Seth McFarlane couldn't have written a funnier version himself.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Mail Call: The Man of the People

I received this joke via e-mail -- apparently it's a classic (which I'm reading as "public domain"). Here's my version:

Of course, the Bible tells us that Jesus was Jewish. But even if it didn't, there are 3 good arguments to back it up:
1. He went into His Fathers business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin . . . and his Mother was sure he was God.

It's also been said that Jesus was Black -- and there are 3 good arguments to support that as well:
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial

...but then are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil

But wait, there's more. There are also three equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

Surprisingly, there are even 3 good arguments that Jesus was a woman:

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do.

(As for me, I'm just hoping Jesus appreciates a good joke...)

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