Thursday, December 18, 2008

Thank You Thank You Thank You

Received this recently from a dedicated reader (I know, I know you're thinking you were the only dedicated reader -- don't worry, it's still a pretty exclusive club). Not sure where this started (I have a feeling it grew and developed as it moved around -- you know, like the flu), but it's something I had to share with everyone (you know, like the flu):


To all my friends....

As 2008 comes to an end, I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels...or how he pushed the buttons.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose...although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. Of course, I probably can't remember because all the metallic wrappers have given my Alzheimer's.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a poor, sick Penny Brown who is about to die in the hospital...for the 1,387,258th time.

Of course, all my money troubles will be over soon, when I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat fast food chicken because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

Of course, I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper either, since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer accept packages because the delivery people are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites me.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

Now, if you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's bowling partner's beautician.

Oh, by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Again, thank you Rick for sending this along...

(Like it? Digg it, damnit!)

Monday, December 15, 2008

He shoots - he misses

Choose your favorite one-liner:

Can you believe how fast the President ducked? Must be all that practice on hunting trips with Cheney.

If Monica Lewinsky dodged that fast she'd still have a dress.

Bush moved faster than Tom Foley's page trying to get out of his office.

And they said all that money for dodgeball camp was a waste.

...or submit your own (show off).

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Express Yourself

You know, it used to be that the biggest cluster#@$ at a retail store was the "Express" lane, where, in fact, nothing is express. I think they just call it that so the sad sap of a cashier that gets stuck there feels special.

If you work in retail, here's a little hint: Being told you've been "promoted" to the express lane is like having the principal explain that you were so good at fifth grade she'd like you to do it again.

Once you've suffered through an express lane, you can see why they limit the number of items you can have in your order. If you had to watch your life slip away for more than 15 items you'd undoubtedly go apeshit and just start killing people at random...

...which would be easier because they probably have firearms for sale at the express lane. Heck, they've got everything else. Cigarettes? Behind the counter at the express lane. Seasonal merchandise? Express lane. Lottery tickets? Postage stamps? Right

Here's a concept: How about having 15 items or less BEHIND the express lane? Let's give the mouth breather wearing his nametag upside down at least a fair shot.

But like I said, that used to be the worst experience.

Enter the "self checkout" lane:

Here, everyone gets to try to find the barcode and scan it over a snot-covered mirror, and I certainly agree that everyone should get to try it...


Here's my plan (thanks for asking). When you go to the self checkout lane you scan your license first, then the register checks your past attempts. If you can't find a barcode within 30 seconds, or if it takes you more and than 45 seconds to get the scanned item into a bag; or if you can't figure out that you can't lean on, let you kids sit on, or put your pet dog on the scale where the bags are the machine politely directs you to another lane.

Preferably an express lane.

Heck, if you really screw up, it could automatically print an application to work in the express lane.

Friday, December 05, 2008

Drink in the Season

Hey, it's a lazy Friday (surprise, surprise). There's more original nonsense coming, but in the meantime, here's some cultured music to get you in the holiday spirit:

For the a-hole who has everything

People always ask me*, what's a great funny gift? Usually, I suggest a fake pregnancy test...or a fake death certificate. But enough about that.

If you're looking for something funny to give for the holidays, I've put some suggestions together over at, conveniently laid out with pretty photos -- like a Denny's menu.

Click here to see what you need to!

*by people, I'm including the small voices inside my head.

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