Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Church is Calling - STAT

So recently I went to a hospital that had valet parking - possibly one of the best ideas since the 22nd amendment.

Let's face it, with any luck you don't go to the hospital that often, which means you don't know where your going or where the hell to park your car. And honestly, if you do have to go to the hospital often, there's a good chance you still don't know where you're going or where the hell to park your car.

So what happens? Everyone stops at the door and let's out the would-be-patient. Now, this person is going to the hospital, which means the odds of them just hoppin' out of the car as it coasts by the door are pretty low.

Of course, some people don't even wait for the door. They just stop their car and throw on the flashers ...anywhere. Hell, they've got someone who needs to get to the hospital, dammit.

At least with valet parking you get to feel that rush of urgency without tying up every possible entrance and exit.

Speaking of valet parking...

... I once went to dinner at a place that used a valet company called - I'm not making this up - "One Way Valet."

Isn't "one way valet" car-jacking? I think most people are anticipating a "Round Trip Valet" when they hand over the keys. But maybe that's just me...

Now, as much fun as parking at the hospital can be, it's heaven compared to parking at church. Have you tried this recently?

I'll pull up to church and there are cars everywhere.

Parked in fire lanes, parked on the curb next to the church, making up little spots at the end of rows. There are people that don't even stop their cars - they just use The Club to lock the wheel to the left and leave it making slow circles in the back of the lot.

You'd think there was a Stones performance immediately following the homily.

But here's the best part, when you get a little closer you can see that there are plenty of regular spaces. You know, the kind with lines, that don't block fire hydrants, aren't on the grass, etc. But, no, apparently people were in too big a hurry to look for these.

I mean, how bad do you want to be in that front pew that you pull the car onto the curb half a block away and have grandma and the kids huff it?

"Hurry, Janet...there's no time to look for a closer spot. You know the Lord is near-sighted - if you're not in the first five rows, he doesn't know you're there! Run, dammit! Leave the kids, they're just slowing us down!"

And if you really do want to make sure you get right up front in the Holy Mosh Pit, can't you just get there a little earlier? I mean, church is held at the same time every week. It's not like you're sitting at home, enjoying a leisurely Sunday morning and all of sudden BAM - the Church Alarm goes off...

"Ken? Ken!? Get up, Church is calling! Move it kids, we've got to goooo! They can't start until we get there! I've got to put the hymn numbers up!"

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Odd Little Bits

Hey there. I've only got a couple minutes, but I wanted to share a few random thoughts.

Now, I may have clicked past it too fast, but I swear I recently saw an add for an erasable address book? Really? Who's out there going "I am so mad at you - that's it - you are coming out of the address book"? Make a commitment and stick with it, dammit.

Just wondering... if your thoughts on race relations are influenced by what you hear on the Imus show, don't you really have bigger problems?

Finally, President Bush recently said that many Americans wish we weren't at war...including him. Is it just me, or isn't it actually up to him? I mean, if you say you hate my sweater, well that's fine. But if I hate my sweater, then why the hell am I wearing it? (yea, I know, I've got some kinda odd sweater fetish.)

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Fact vs. Fiction

You avid readers (both of you) may recall that I recently wrote a post where I mentioned how obsurd it would be to go on a ride called the "Bouncinator" and complain that it "goes up and down too much."

In a case of life imitating art, I was listening to Wait Wait..Don't Tell Me on NPR tonight and they spoke of a ride named "The Scandia Screamer" which apparently created so much noise that neighbor complaints led to a ban of making noise...on the Screamer.

They announce before the ride, literally: "So please remain silent and enjoy the screamer."

You can download/listen to the audio from Wait Wait... on this page, or read the article from I used for my quotes (and other details) here.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Happy Dyngus Day

Yea, I know, I'm barely makin' in under the wire (if that), but at least it's still a surprise. Of course, if you don't know what Dyngus Day is, here's some background from the foremost experts on Polish Traditions...the Knoxville News Sentinel:

For what it's worth, I usually see water used...
...not frying pans.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Pratically Dripping

Well, Spring is here, which means it's time to put away the sweaters.

Kind of a weird name if you think about it: sweaters.

I mean, they're actually a somewhat dressy piece of clothing.

I guess you'd call them upscale casual -- kind of the Olive Garden of the clothing world.

Yet there it is: the word "sweat" right in the beginning. Like you go to your closet to pick something out to wear for a nice evening (like first dinner with the girlfriends' parents) and you think "what do I have the just screams 'perspiration'?"

Nobody really wears these things to help with sweating, do they? Ironically, if you're wearing a sweater and you actually do sweat, most people take them off -- as if it's a big surprise. Like getting on a ride called the boucinator and complaining that it "goes up and down too much."

Maybe they should call them "cozies" -- you know, like the things you put on beer cans...
...or "static generators." Either one would be more accurate if you ask me (but no one ever asks me...ever).

Then they could use the name sweaters for more appropriate pieces of clothing... flannel boxers, for instance.

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