Modestly Ambitious

So, I stumbled across a little more modesty in product claims. This time it was on a "toilet lock." For those of you who haven't had toddlers in the past few decades, a toilet lock keeps the lid down so your toddler's head -- or your keys, your jewelry, etc. don't go in the bowl.

Well, I was reading the box for our toilet lock (you can see why I'm too busy to post more often), and I noticed that it states that it "Helps keep the toilet locked."
No.
No.
No.
Nobody wants a toilet lock that "helps" keep the toilet locked. That's like getting a surgeon that will help you with your triple bypass. The toilet lock is pretty much the beginning and end of the whole toilet locking regime. It's right there in the name: Toilet LOCK. Maybe if I bought a product called Toilet Lock Helper, that would be a different story...

On the opposite end of the spectrum is the sign I saw at my local pizza place. When you leave, there's a sign on the door that says "Place your next order on-line now!"

I think the "now" is a little over-ambitious. How much do they think I like this pizza? I'm holding a hot, steaming pie in my hands already, and now I'm supposed to go home and instantly order the next one? I don't think heroin dealers are this pushy. ("Here's your order - oh, and before you shoot up, why don't you go ahead and page me? I'll meet you back here in about 10 minutes.")

And then there's the sale at my local grocery store. They've reduced or, as they put it "knocked down," prices throughout the store, including on baby items. So there, in the baby aisle, they had balloons announcing "Knocked Down Baby Savings." Now remember, we live in the land of no child left behind, and this is not a special at the Mensa Giftshop. I'm thinking if you promote Knocked Down Baby Savings, it's just a matter of time before you hear this:

"Waaaahaaa!"
"Waaaahaaa!"
"Waaaahaaa!"
[hurried running to customer service]
"I just knocked down three of 'em. How much do I save?"

Tags:
funny observational+humor humor lazycomic