For Immediate Release:
Fox News has just declared John McCain the winner of the 2008 Presidential Election.
New York - With 11 days to go until election day, Fox analysts, with help from consultants Karen Hughes and Karl Rove, have declared the election over and John McCain the winner in a "landslide."
"It was really unavoidable at this point, it would've been irresponsible of us not to call the election," explained Fox spokesperson Sarah Eisenhower Goldwater-Nixon.
"First we eliminated states that were, in our expert opinion, going to see unprecedented voter fraud in this election - if it were allowed to occur. Based on our analysis, the following states votes would be loaded with fraud and should not be counted: California, New York, Illinois, Michigan, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Maryland, Illinois, Vermont, Delaware, and Oregon."
"Oh and Florida, we never count Florida."
When asked why all the states eliminated were states where Obama was shown winning, Goldwater-Nixon replied, "That's not true. We also threw out Alaska because, well, seriously, what do those people know?"
She continued: "We then removed the likely votes from groups that are normally purged from voter registrations...a process we like to call 'the Jeb Bush doctrine.' Minorities, immigrants and anyone with a vowel at the end of their name is considered to be a fraudulent or suspect registration and is removed. After this process, the results clearly indicated Obama would lose in the election...if it were to be held...which would be ridiculous."
She indicated that it was irresponsible of the Obama campaign to ask for a real election in light of their "fair and balanced" decision of the outcome. "Why have all these people take time away from their jobs and use fuel to go out and vote when we've already told you who's be selected? This is obviously another instance where our oppon- I mean Senator Obama shows his disregard for the environment and the working class."
The Fox spokesperson denied accusations that this all seemed to make it too easy for McCain to become President: "It would seem that way, but to be honest we almost chose Bush again."
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Thursday, October 23, 2008
For Immediate Release: