You know the saying "I feel like I've got the weight of world on my shoulders?" Yea, the one that refers to Atlas. No one knows who came up with that saying*, but I've got a feeling it was a woman.
Why, you ask? (Ok, so you didn't ask, but you didn't click "Next Blog" either, so here it comes...) Because when you say that to someone there's an almost subconscious response where they want to rub your shoulders. And, as you probably know, to most men shoulder-rubbing is like the summer prime time TV schedule: not outright painful, but certainly nothing that we asked for.
My suggestion? Glad you asked. (See how this asking thing works?) Men should start changing up the phrase. Example: "I feel like I've got the weight of the world in my lap."
Oh, I know - the first woman that hears it probably won't start massaging your worries away, but eventually - like a democrat winning an election - it could happen.
And that would sure beat watching a summer of reruns...
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Oh, the Pressure
Labels:
original bit
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
The Natural Look
I went to a funeral recently. Now, I know that's not a great way to start a humor bit, but hey, if funerals weren't supposed to fun, why'd they put it right there in the first three letters?
Anyway, I came straight from my "real job" and realized I was just about the only guy in a suit. Nope, not even "the" guy was in a suit. So I felt a little uneasy.
But you know, the last thing to worry about at a viewing is how you look. Let's face it, there's only one person people are going to remember and, well, he or she didn't even get to pick the outfit. On the upside, it'll probably be the most make-up time anyone outside of Hollywood gets -- and it's guaranteed not to run or smear off onto your water glass.
So everyone else can relax...
...unless, of course, you happen to be as old as (or older than) the star of the show. Then you might want to take a couple minutes to "freshen up," because nobody wants to be first draft in the inevitable "Who's Next" pool. (Oh come on, admit it. You take a casual glance around the reception and figure out how far you'll have to drive for the next one. It's perfectly natural and, yes, it does make you a shallow person.)
Anyway, the guy I went to honor never read my blog when he was living (at least he was lucky in one way). So Tony, if you're reading it now...I hope it was worth the wait.
Labels:
original bit
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Hiatus-Shimatus
Yeah, I know, I've left you hanging for a bit and I apologize. To make up for it, I'm doing something better than post another attempt at comedy I did...
...I'm posting something someone else did:
I wonder how much grant money was spent on swabbin' spiders with drugs? What a great grad assistant job that would be....
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
What Do You Suppose Happened to Number One?
Hey, it's a better name than "Sit & Sh*t"...
Note: For the faithful of Wordless Wednesdays, yeah, I know the photo isn't "wordless," I signed in before I got the gist of the it. I'll try harder next time...honest.
Labels:
funny photo,
original bit
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
A Fifth of Uselessness
Like that odd rash, Bet You Didn't Know is back. Get your highlighters and a Red Bull so you cram in every fascinating bit:
- In 14 states, Super Delegates actually wear capes. In Iowa, hiring preference is given to those with previous building jumping experience.
- After video of the event was exposed, Shorty had to admit that she initially "misspoke" and didn't really go that low at all.
- People who say tow-mah-tow are likely to have commitment issues and will frequently call the whole thing off.
- No matter how loud you yell at the ear piece, the phone in fact does not work both ways.
- 4 out of 5 people who expect the last item in a list to be the best are usually disappointed.
Labels:
BYDK,
clinton,
original bit,
p2008
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