Church is Calling - STAT

So recently I went to a hospital that had valet parking - possibly one of the best ideas since the 22nd amendment.

Let's face it, with any luck you don't go to the hospital that often, which means you don't know where your going or where the hell to park your car. And honestly, if you do have to go to the hospital often, there's a good chance you still don't know where you're going or where the hell to park your car.

So what happens? Everyone stops at the door and let's out the would-be-patient. Now, this person is going to the hospital, which means the odds of them just hoppin' out of the car as it coasts by the door are pretty low.

Of course, some people don't even wait for the door. They just stop their car and throw on the flashers ...anywhere. Hell, they've got someone who needs to get to the hospital, dammit.

At least with valet parking you get to feel that rush of urgency without tying up every possible entrance and exit.

Speaking of valet parking...

... I once went to dinner at a place that used a valet company called - I'm not making this up - "One Way Valet."

Isn't "one way valet" car-jacking? I think most people are anticipating a "Round Trip Valet" when they hand over the keys. But maybe that's just me...

Now, as much fun as parking at the hospital can be, it's heaven compared to parking at church. Have you tried this recently?

I'll pull up to church and there are cars everywhere.

Parked in fire lanes, parked on the curb next to the church, making up little spots at the end of rows. There are people that don't even stop their cars - they just use The Club to lock the wheel to the left and leave it making slow circles in the back of the lot.

You'd think there was a Stones performance immediately following the homily.

But here's the best part, when you get a little closer you can see that there are plenty of regular spaces. You know, the kind with lines, that don't block fire hydrants, aren't on the grass, etc. But, no, apparently people were in too big a hurry to look for these.

I mean, how bad do you want to be in that front pew that you pull the car onto the curb half a block away and have grandma and the kids huff it?

"Hurry, Janet...there's no time to look for a closer spot. You know the Lord is near-sighted - if you're not in the first five rows, he doesn't know you're there! Run, dammit! Leave the kids, they're just slowing us down!"

And if you really do want to make sure you get right up front in the Holy Mosh Pit, can't you just get there a little earlier? I mean, church is held at the same time every week. It's not like you're sitting at home, enjoying a leisurely Sunday morning and all of sudden BAM - the Church Alarm goes off...

"Ken? Ken!? Get up, Church is calling! Move it kids, we've got to goooo! They can't start until we get there! I've got to put the hymn numbers up!"

Tags:
church humor funny observational+humor humor lazycomic