Sunday, February 17, 2008

The G.I. Trifecta

I had to make a late-night run to the 24 hour drug store the other night - and not the fun kind. You know, the pit stop between parties when you grab Doritos, eye drops, Red Bull and aspirin and you're off to the next hot spot.

That's not to say there wasn't a sense of urgency involved in this trip, but it had nothing to do with getting my groove on. So I hurry into the store, run to the aisle marked "stomach" (although let's face it, it wasn't really my stomach I was worried about) and stop in sheer awe of the selections available to me.

It's amazing our G.I. systems work at all. From entry to exit, it seems that there's a potion or pill for every step of the way. Still, the section that stopped me dead in my tracks though was neither a pill nor a potion (at least not one you swallow)... was the enemas.

There were rows of them. Not being a connoisseur, I was awed by the sheer variations on a theme. You have to pity the poor guy who has to come and choose - it must be like when your parents send you to your room to decide your own punishment...or to the woods to pick your own switch.

Then I saw the most depressing option: the multi-pack.

I'm sure there may be a condition that requires more than one enema, but it has got to be a rare, brave soul who is willing to admit upfront that one won't do the job.

I suppose you could use the second enema as a warning. I'll explain...

Say it was a fondness for cheese that got you into this predicament of needing an enema in the first place. You take the second enema and place it in your dairy drawer and you'll always be reminded to take it easy on the dairy.

Come to think of it, that would probably keep everyone else away from your dairy selections as well.

Sadly, it gets worse: they even make a 3-pack of enemas. Unless you're throwing a party, I sincerely hope there's a prayer to recite and a stick to bite on in the box as well. And seriously, whatever it was - stop eating it.

Thankful for a moment that my problem would not require one nor three self-violations, I got the medicine I came for and turned around.

Across from the stomach treatments were the adult diapers (which may be fitting) and one other item that seemed, well, out of place: facial tissue.

Now, aside from the people who realize that yes, they're gonna need that three-pack, it's not your face that needs a lot of tissue when you're in the "stomach" aisle. But no, in some cruel game, they put the toilet paper on the other side of the store...

...although also in the back. This decision to place anti-nausea, anti-diarrheal and adult diapers at the rear of the store (pun intended) seems to be poor planning. Personally, you'd think having all the stomach-related items near the front of the store would be in everyone's best interest.

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