Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Rumors circulated this week that Senator John McCain (71) was romantically involved with a female lobbyist. In related news, the number of male senior citizens interested in running for Senate is up by 300%...
...while the number of women interested in being lobbyists has fallen by 94%.
Hillary Clinton has now lost eight primaries in a row, prompting her to change her campaign theme to "Consistency."
Finally, in order to force the Senate to pay attention to the needs in war-torn Iraq, Soldiers are reportedly paying Iraqi athletes to publicly confess to using steroids.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
They say the third time's the charm, and here's something to prove that wrong. More fascinating, useless and, ultimately, fake facts to share with the odd-looking guy at the coffee shop. Enjoy.
Bet You Didn't Know...
- Jimmy Buffet's grandfather became famous for inventing all-you-can-eat dining.
- On a related note, controversial studies have show that, when forced, most people could actually eat more.
- Scientist now believe that when no one is around to hear, trees actually lay down quietly.
- John McCain is so pale he's been known to blind on-coming drivers at night.
- Over 70% of the population is taller than average.
- Einstein had an unpublished theory that taking large amounts of caffeine didn't make your heart beat faster, but in fact made the rest of the universe move slower.
- Ironically, most people with mullets actually do very little business up front.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008
As you may have heard, former President George H.W. Bush today endorsed John McCain for President. Reportedly, the elder Bush initially offered to do anything he could to help McCain, but then had to back pedal after McCain asked if he could convince George W. to endorse Huckabee.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Well, I've been thinking for a while that it might be time to change the template. For one thing, I had messed with the last one so much the code was kinda like CSS/HTML vomit: you couldn't kinda tell what it was supposed to be, but you really didn't want to look at for too long.
Also, Blogger (where I blog) now has some cool WYSIWYG features for their "new" templates that pride...and laziness...were holding me back from.
That said, I was still taking my sweet time getting to the conversion, until I went in to make a just a few tweaks to my previous template. A "Save" later and the blog was basically useless - I don't think it was showing the posts at all, and well, that's kind of a deal-breaker.
So here we are, with the 2nd new template of the day (if you're looking at rounded rectangles on a blue background that is...if not, then I've messed with it AGAIN since I wrote this).
This one has a lot of what I'm looking for (in case you cared) - like a good window casing, or a rental tux, it shrinks and expands a little bit, but not enough to get too bent outta shape. It's easy to read, works with the stuff I'm adding, and hip enough to look like I might know what I'm doing. I have no idea if it works on iPhones, Blackberries or with every browser on the block - but I can bet my old template had issues in at least some of these areas.
Anyway, I'm sure they'll be more edits, etc. as time moves forward. Just wanted to let you know that if you thought this was now a new blog you're outta luck.
You're still stuck with this one.
I had to make a late-night run to the 24 hour drug store the other night - and not the fun kind. You know, the pit stop between parties when you grab Doritos, eye drops, Red Bull and aspirin and you're off to the next hot spot.
That's not to say there wasn't a sense of urgency involved in this trip, but it had nothing to do with getting my groove on. So I hurry into the store, run to the aisle marked "stomach" (although let's face it, it wasn't really my stomach I was worried about) and stop in sheer awe of the selections available to me.
It's amazing our G.I. systems work at all. From entry to exit, it seems that there's a potion or pill for every step of the way. Still, the section that stopped me dead in my tracks though was neither a pill nor a potion (at least not one you swallow)...
...it was the enemas.
There were rows of them. Not being a connoisseur, I was awed by the sheer variations on a theme. You have to pity the poor guy who has to come and choose - it must be like when your parents send you to your room to decide your own punishment...or to the woods to pick your own switch.
Then I saw the most depressing option: the multi-pack.
I'm sure there may be a condition that requires more than one enema, but it has got to be a rare, brave soul who is willing to admit upfront that one won't do the job.
I suppose you could use the second enema as a warning. I'll explain...
Say it was a fondness for cheese that got you into this predicament of needing an enema in the first place. You take the second enema and place it in your dairy drawer and you'll always be reminded to take it easy on the dairy.
Come to think of it, that would probably keep everyone else away from your dairy selections as well.
Sadly, it gets worse: they even make a 3-pack of enemas. Unless you're throwing a party, I sincerely hope there's a prayer to recite and a stick to bite on in the box as well. And seriously, whatever it was - stop eating it.
Thankful for a moment that my problem would not require one nor three self-violations, I got the medicine I came for and turned around.
Across from the stomach treatments were the adult diapers (which may be fitting) and one other item that seemed, well, out of place: facial tissue.
Now, aside from the people who realize that yes, they're gonna need that three-pack, it's not your face that needs a lot of tissue when you're in the "stomach" aisle. But no, in some cruel game, they put the toilet paper on the other side of the store...
...although also in the back. This decision to place anti-nausea, anti-diarrheal and adult diapers at the rear of the store (pun intended) seems to be poor planning. Personally, you'd think having all the stomach-related items near the front of the store would be in everyone's best interest.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Well, we've lost a lot in this election: Rudy, John Edwards, Mitt, Joe Biden, that other guy that kinda looked like Joe Biden, smarmy John Edwards, not-so-smarmy Fred Thompson - even Dennis K (and his hottie wife)...
...but at least, among the 24/7 analysis of who's gaining among the all important 18-24-year-old-blondes-with-a-unibrow demographic -
- there's still a little humor.
Here's one I thought was brilliant. Take a look:
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
You asked for it (well, no you actually didn't), here are more incredible, entertaining, thoroughly-unproven pieces of "infotainment" to share with your friends, clergy and local representatives.
Bet You Didn't Know...
- Because of their solitary nature, it was actually rare for hermits to have crabs.
- Floor and Door both have the common latin root -oor, which means "stiff and flat." Likewise, the term "poor" originally referred to people who had starved to death and were, therefore, stiff and flat.
- George W. Bush is the 30th President who could not pronounce the word "nuclear." However, the other 29 were elected before the word came into existence.
- The meat industry is suppressing promising research that would lead to peas that taste and look like ham.
- If you scream "Bloody Mary" into the bathroom mirror 13 times, someone who was sleeping will come kick your ass.
...or click here to see the first installment of BYDK.
Monday, February 04, 2008
Welcome to Steve D.'s virgin listing of "Bet You Didn't Know." Fun little factoids that you should repeat to friends, coworkers and undercover police officers to astound them with your intellect.
Bet You Didn't Know:
- Environmentalist now predict that if atomic energy continues to proliferate, there will be a worldwide atom shortage by 2031.
- David Spade's ex-girlfriends have started an online support network called MySpade.
- If you stare at a cat long enough, it will eventually ask you, in plain English, if you "have a problem."
- The fifteenth leading cause of pregnancy is Jagermeister.
- If you put all the lawyers in the United States in a single line around the Equator, everything would be just fine.
- In 2000 years, the top 3 inches of the surface of the United States will be covered with dislodged magazine subscription cards.
- Sixty-five percent of people who decline to be polled believe that there is an actual pole involved in the process.