Homeland Security

Now, I know everyone's concentrating on airport security -- and as Martha would say, that's a good thing.

But what about your house? Your belongings? How do you secure them?

Don't worry, help is here:

I'm happy to announce...
...The complete guide to home security:

1) Your cash and other valuables. I know what you're thinking "Steve, I thought this was supposed to be funny." Oops, I mean you're thinking "Steve, I keep my cash and valuables at the bank -- surely they're safer there."

WRONG. Haven't you been to the movies? Haven't you rented a DVD lately? Banks get robbed all the time. You need to get your cash and valubles and bring them home. GO...I'll wait.

Now that you've saved your possesions from bank robbers, I'll tell you where to put them so they are 100% (well 98.7%) safe: In a brown paper bag on top of your refrigerator. That way, if someone breaks into your house, they'll waste all their time looking for a safe or one of those cool wall vaults hidden behind a portrait (like in Batman) and not notice where your cash, jewels and beer cap collection are.

2) Your on-line information: Sure, you've got a firewall, passwords, etc. -- but they're not protecting you from anything. Want proof? I can tell the last site you visited -- click here to see. The best way to keep yourself safe is by using a password so simple no one will guess. That password is snarkle45. So go ahead, change all your passwords to snarkle 45. I'll wait...but be quick. While you're at it, write down all your account information--and the password--on a piece of white tape and place it under your keyboard.

3) Your house: Lock it up, man. Get locks on all your doors and keep 'em locked. Also, DON'T CARRY YOUR KEYS WHEN YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE. All it takes is one quick pickpocket and boom, there's someone else in your house and there's nothing you can do about it.

When you leave, place your keys to the right of your front door, under a rock. To help you remember which rock, paint a "K" on it.

That's it! You're now completely secure. Let me know if you found this interesting by sending an e-mail. Be sure to include your name, address and when you'll be out of town.

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