Take a Flying Dive

Have you tried to fly anywhere recently? With the new security regulations, it's like shopping on Black Friday just to get on the plane.

Now, I'm all for security, but I think the time we spend in line is really our own fault. I mean, we all know the rules, we know all the processes, do's and do not's, but we still show up with our pockets full of keys, change and nail-clippers; a pda/cellphone/mp3 player/GPS-laden belt like something out of the old Batman series; three layers of clothes; pens; jewelry; etc.

Basically, most travelers show up at the gate with enough junk to let McGuyver build a working space station. Somehow, no one shows up at the grocery store with a pen for their check, but they show up at the airport ready to infilrate Dr. Evil's secret lair.

Here's my idea to make the whole check-in process easier on everyone:

Add a waterpark to each airport: pools, waterslides, the works...maybe even some tanning booths.

Then you'd show up, check your clothes with your bags, and splash around until it's time to board. When your flight is announced, you towel off, slip on some flip-flops and make that smakity-smakity noise right through security. Except for a few odd piercings, there's not much left to set off the metal detectors.

Of course, like everything else about flying, there'd be different amenities for different flyers. First class flyers get cabanas and in-ground wave pools while they wait, coach flyers get above-ground pools and a couple lawn chairs, and economy flyers get to splash around in a few sprinklers out on the tarmac.

Now everyone gets on the plane quickly, everyone's refreshed and - special bonus - everyone's bathed. And heck, if there's an emergency, everyone's ready for a water landing.

[10.02.06 Update - Seems someone else had a similar "immodest" proposal]

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The Positive Effects of Nicotine

Looks like this lil' Superstar's secret is exposed (watch the end)...

For more Video Fun, click here.
For more mistreatment of the news, click here.

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So...how 'bout this weather?

Have you ever noticed that when you bump into someone you know, but not well, that you default to talking about the weather.

Your "nonversation" starts with something like "So, it sure is hot/cold/dry/wet today," and then goes to "yea, I hope it's cooler/warmer/wet/dry tomorrow."

It's like we default to some conversational lowest common denominator. Basically you're saying "I can't trust that your smart enough to talk about anything besides the most menial of observable facts."

So you turn to the weather.

How about we raise the bar a little? Give the people we bump into something to take home and scratch their heads about. The next time someone comes up to you and starts one of these nonversations(tm), avoid the comments about the weather and try something like this:

Insipid Passerby: "Hey, what's up?"
You: "Well, I'm not dead."
Insipid Passerby: "Um...yeah, I guess so."
You: "Hey, you're not dead yet, either..."
Insipid Passerby: "Um, no. Well...see you around."
You: "Unless I die."
Insipid Passerby: "um, ookay..."
You: "...or if you die."

Not only have you given them something to think about...chances are next time you pass them in the hall they'll just look the other way.

Now, if the weather is what we default to when we bump into people that might be idiots, what does that say about the weather reports on TV? I mean, they give us five minutes of "weather forecasting," where four-and-a-half mintes is reporting the weather that's already happened. What the f*ck is with that? Why would I care what the weather was like earlier? What can I do with that information?

Then they get to my favorite part: what the weather is like right now. I mean, this is really useful information, unless, of course, you have either a window or a door. Then I'm pretty sure you could figure it out for yourself.

Then they have 15 seconds or so to tell me all the weather that's forecasted for the next seven days for every hole in the ground within 150 miles of the studio. After treating us like idiots for most of the last five minutes, now they expect us to have the razor sharp attention of a meth-addicted air traffic controller.

I say screw it, keep an umbrella handy and deal with it. I sure hope it's cooler/warmer/wet/dry tomorrow.

For the most recent post(s), click here.

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A-MAZE-ING!

Just a quick link. Click below for a zany maze done in flash:

Click to see and hear this wild maze!

After your done, if you want to share it with your friends just click on the envelope icon below.

Joke: The Farmer and the Watermelon Patch

Here's my version of a joke I heard (or received) about a farmer trying to outsmart some local teens. Enjoy...

There was this one farmer who, among other things, grew an annual crop of watermelons. For years he had great crops of watermelons, but then slowly he noticed that local teenagers were sneaking into the patch overnight and helping themselves. First to a few, then a few more, then dozens would go disappearing in the night.

Finally, the late night thievery got so bad the farmer couldn't take it anymore. He thought about what he could do to put an end to it without a lot of cost or work on his part. Finally it came to him...

With a wide smirk on his face he took an old piece of plywood from his barn, painted his message on it in big letters and hung it at the entrance to the watermelon patch. The sign read:

"THIEVES BEWARE! ONE of the WATERMELONS in this patch is POISONED!"

Happy with himself for coming up with such a plan, the old farmer walked back through the watermelon patch to this house.

The next morning, he got up and walked back out through the patch. Sure enough, not a single watermelon was missing. His smile spread and he was whistling to himself until he got to his sign.

There, next to his plywould sign was a cardboard one with a message in black marker:

"DEAR FARMER...NOW THERE ARE TWO."

Looking for more funny stuff?

Read "Into the Light"

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Jesus the Patriot

If you missed the IKEA ads, click here.
If you'd rather read your comedy, click here.

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Vote for the Whole Package

Had to share this photo. It's an election sign from somewhere.
I thought it was funny...until I realized there are actually TWO Balls on the ticket.

Now it's hilarious.

Seriously, I hope they win.
I can't imagine the jokes they'll face if both Balls get sacked...
...or if Cox has to pull out all together.

I'm sure they'll be fine. When the heat is on, Balls and Cox stick together.

(sorry, just one more.)

Of course, they have great momentum. Once the Balls and Cox get ahead of you, you're stuck in the number two spot.

Okay, your turn...

More photo fun

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Don't Worry, I'll Share

When people finally find my little outpost of humor I hate sending them away, but I really think I've found something worth sharing.

Take a look: Great Page at FunnyJunk

...and remember, you can share it with those you love by using the little envelope icon below.

In the News...

According to MSNBC, Britney Spears was craving a stop at In-and-Out Burger on the way to have their second son.
Let's see: Kevin Federline, cheeseburgers, milkshakes...
...is there anything Britney won't put in her body?

In the same article hard core, born again, rocker-for-Christ Steve Baldwin was unable to list the Seven Deadly Sins. I hear the reporter really had Steve worried when he told him that starring in Bio-Dome was one of them.

Jane Fonda has decided to start a feminist liberal talk radio network. The general consensus among liberals is "Crap...just what we need."

Finally, there's a great video from an Asian TV game show on the net. The original format is apparently a tongue twister game, but take a look.

I think this would be a great format for future Presidential Debates:

Click Here for more...

Here Kitty Kitty Kitty

There’s something I’ve been tempted to blog about, but I held back, so I wouldn’t look mean-spirited – until now. I'm not really ranting about this, but it does make me wonder.

Here’s what started it: The other day I was driving behind a car with one of those ribbon magnets on it. Now, I think the whole ribbon thing is a little over-played, but it’s a free country and I get it, you support something, you love old Tony Orlando songs, and you need something to cover that dent from when you backed into a parking meter.

I’m a big supporter of our troops, so I get the “Support our Troops” ribbon, the “Bring Our Troops Home Safe” ribbon, the somber “MIA” ribbons. I also get the Cure Cancer ribbons – even the Raise Autistic Awareness ribbons. Good causes, nice message.

But this ribbon wasn’t for any of those things.

This ribbon was to announce that the driver had,

get ready,

adopted a cat.

Don’t start bitching at me yet, I love animals – especially with a good sweet and sour sauce (just kidding…I prefer General Tso…anyway) – but I don’t think adopting a cat is worthy of it’s own ribbon magnet.

Now, if Fluffy wants to get together a few thousand of her feline friends and go help calm things down in Iraq, I’ll reconsider. But for now, if you get a cat, just let the smell and hair announce it to the world.

Which brings me to the topic I’ve been sitting on for a while…

This same driver had one of those license plates that features a special graphic and message for a particular cause. When you buy the plate, part of the money goes to the relevant cause.

This one was, of course, to support adopting pets.

Here’s my only problem with this. When you sign up for the plate, there are a few other choices you can support, you know things like Finding a Cure for Cancer or for Stopping Domestic Violence...

…and I’m pretty sure you get to see ALL of them when you sign up.

So, if you really think about it, isn't displaying a "adopt a pet" license plate the same as saying "Sorry about your Grandma's cancer -- if she were cute and fuzzy I'd care more?"

(Ok, I guess it was a rant after all.)

Read more...

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Afternoon Delight

Just had a minute and wanted to pass it on -- a little mid-day quickie. I think I've found the paramount of all those on-line personality tests:

Click here for the BEST Personality Test

Also, if you're one of those millions of bloggers that still has "Edit Me" under your links, treat it as a command, not a suggestion. A link to http://lazycomic.blogspot.com/ wouldn't kill you -- it may even make your blog a little sexier.

...just a thought. Now get back to work.

In Tribute

Like most Americans, I'll take time today to reflect on the heros and victims of 9-11.

As important as it is to me to remember the tragedy of that day, I think the most important thing to remember is that when you choose to pause and reflect it's just that...
...your choice.

"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security,
deserve neither liberty or security." - Benjamin Franklin

Couple Quick Bits: Venison and Nana's Munchies

So Disney/ABC has been accused of spinning the facts in Path to 9-11 to make it pro-conservative. What's next?

A revised Snow White where the dwarves are beaten for trying to form a union?
A new NRA-sponsored Bambi with the moral "hey, Mom had it comin' to her?"

In other news, recent studies indicate that Marijuana use is up with people in their fifties, but drug use is down among teens. Sounds like Grandma's "Potting Shed" is a lot more hip than used to be...but your kids still don't want to spend time there.

Those Wacky Foreigners

First, if anyone knows German (man, I hope it's German), take a look at this post and tell me what the hell this product from Bic is supposed to do...
...and where I can get one (if my wife reads this, remember honey, they're just jokes):

From "Trainbuk: Zichtenmafia"...note the "Nothing but the Truth..."

Then there's a post with tiny little world leaders:

Take a peak at a "Mini-Bush" and "Mini-Pope"

Instead of Camp David, they could meet in a pillow fort. Of course, Bush would probably be too busy giggling at the Pope's little hat to get any work done.

Yeah, I know I could probably paste the German blog in at Alta Vista Babel Fish, but it's easier (for me, at least) to wait for one of you to do it. And there's probably German slang in it (like in those old Falco songs) that Babel Fish would get wrong...

Into the Light

So, I'm taking a shower this morning and I realize something:

Why do I turn the lights on before I get in the shower? Don't get me wrong, I don't want to shower in the dark, but I'm not a milkman, so there's plenty of sunlight coming in when I start the water running.

So why do I need it to be operating room bright? I've been bathing myself for over three decades now, so I'm pretty sure I know where everything is. And trust me, if I find something new, you can be sure I'll turn the lights on.

Of course, that's not as ridiculous as when people leave the bathroom light on when they go on vacation -- so burglars will think they're still home. Who is this fooling? Can't you see it? Two would-be-burglars casing your house:

"So, what do you think are they home?"
"Well, if they are, they've all been in one bathroom for four hours now."
"Sounds like they've got the flu or something...let's move on, I don't want to catch anything."

Oh, and people that put a radio on a timer to fool everyone. So now if someone's listening in your house, they figure you're either too poor to own a TV or you're senile and waiting for FDR to make a speech.

Want to keep people out of your house when you're gone? Put duct tape over most of, but not all of, your basement windows, turn on one 100 watt bulb, and play a cd of chainsaw sounds.

Once burglars think you're in the basement disposing of the body, they'll move on.

Looking for more dark commentary?
Try this post.

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Suri-real

Someone else beat me to the punch. Check out the photos at http://lunachicago.blogspot.com/ and decide which one you think is real. All I have to say is, does that kid look like he has a dye job or what?

Heaven Needed a 'Gator Wrestler

Well, it's sad to hear that Steve Irwin has been killed. Like most of you, I was surprised...but then I heard he died while filming "The World's Most Dangerous Animals."

Now, why is that I'm not surprised that our President can's say the word "nuclear," but I am surprised when someone dies while going after the "World's Most Dangerous Animals." Frankly, we should all be suspicious if everyone comes back from filming without a scratch.

Still, Steve will be missed. Not only was a great zoologist and conservationist, he was about the only thing keeping Animal Planet from showing videos of animals running into walls twenty-four hours a day.

Och, It's Been Awhile

I know it's been awhile since my last post and I apologize, but I've been pretty busy.

Among other things, I've been reading Frank McCourt and you know 'tis a rare man that can be makin jokes with the young Yanks all but starved and Dad back on the dole and the river Shannon coming with the dampness and the consumption that takes the children and floods the kitchen and leaves our brothers laying in the white box with the ring from the dark thing they call the Pint on the top of it. Tis a rare man indeed says Mr. D the blogger, who should be getting to blogging, and I want to ask what blogging is but I know if I ask I'll just get the switch again.

(If you haven't read McCourt than I apologize twice -- once for not posting more and once for making an inside joke for the rest of us.)

More to come...

Hangover Cure

Classic joke, originally from my in-box. Remastered for your enjoyment...

How To Come Home Drunk and Still Get a Hot Breakfast

So this husband wakes up with a HUGE hangover the night after a business function.

Cloudy-headed and in pain, he forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin and a glass of water on the side table. Next to the aspirin and water stands a single red rose!

He sits up in bed and sees his clothes for the day right there in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes as he turns on the bathroom light and notices a post-it on the mirror:

Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also sitting at the table, eating. Sheepishly, he asks, "Hey, son...what happened last night?"

"Oh last night? Well, you came home sometime after 3 am, drunk out of your mind."

"Was it bad?"

"Well, you broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and almost broke your nose when you ran into the bedroom door."

"Okay...so, why'd your Mom clean everything up, get out my clothes and make me breakfast?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT! Well, when Mom got you into the bedroom last night she tried to undress you. And when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed...

...'Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!'".

Broken table - $200
Hot breakfast - $5
Red Rose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25

Saying the right thing, at the right time... PRICELESS

Another one from my inbox...

(To pass this on, just click on the envelope icon below.)