Stand Up Comedy ...from a Seated Position: 2009

Friday, December 11, 2009

Only on The Onion...and in Michael Steele's Dreams

Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave To Lead GOP

Saturday, November 28, 2009

The Toy That Has Everything

...or at least everything he needs:

Tarzan Fail
by failblog

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Shameless Plug...

Disturbing brown stain aside, Artie Lange's new DVD is an awesome piece of comedy, put together just the way I like it: dark, self-effacing and very damn funny.

As you know, Artie and I go way back...meaning we're both over 40 and haven't actually met. Still, I'm sure he'd plug my DVD (if I had one...and if he'd ever heard of me), so I figured I'd pay it forward and send my minions (all 4 of you) out looking for the DVD.

Greasing the Wheels

I've been trying to follow politics recently, and it seems everyone is always talking about how this is a "slippery slope," that's a "slippery slope," etc. etc.

I swear if I ever find the guy that coined the phrase slippery slope, I'm going to put him on skates and push him off a cliff. Better yet, I'm going to put him on skates and push him down a gentle hill so it almost seems like fun but then it gets steeper and steeper and then it goes off a cliff.

He'll never see it coming.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Counting the Years

Thanks for all the years, Sesame Street...

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Ye of Little Faith...

So, everyone's still talking about Falcon Heene and whether or not this whole ballooon thing was a hoax.

I swear I haven't heard this much talk about a reality TV star in the closet since the last season of American Idol.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Carried Away...

So, it turns out that little Falcon Heene was never on the balloon, but hid in the closet while military helicopters went out looking for him and the Denver Airport was temporarily shut down.

Needless to say, I'm sure he's, um, grounded.

Passin' It Around...

I know I'm due for an original post, but just hold your friggin' horses.

In the mean time, I wanted to share a vid that regular reader Rick sent in:

more later, I promise.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Gotcha Captcha

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Laugh 'til it hurts

I know they have their own site, but if you missed this on Funny or Die, it's worth taking a look...

Protect Insurance Companies PSA from Will Ferrell

No one asked me, but...

I think the world would be a batter place if people were more passive aggressive, but I guess they can do whatever they want. I'm just saying...

Saturday, September 19, 2009

This'll have to do...

For a while now I've wanted to post one of the infamous (or maybe non-famous) Robert Smigel bits from Comedy Central's TV Funhouse
(it ran back in the twilight of the last century): the one about the boy suppressing his "natural urges."

But alas YouTube and Hulu came up short, so you'll have to settle for this:

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Take 2 and call me when you peel yourself off the ceiling

So it appears I've got a cold, which, you know, we still don't have a cure for.

Of course, if my cold should make me bald, we've got a cure for that.

Or if my cold should make me impotent, there's a cure for that too.

Basically, if my cold turns me into a 60 year old executive, I'm covered.

Now, while we can't seem to find a cure for the cold, I'm glad to say that we have done a bang up job hiding the symptoms. We've got aspirin, ibuprofen -- and the Godfather of all cold medicines:

NyQuil.

Now, to be honest, I'm not sure anyone really knows if NyQuil makes you feel better. All they know is that they took NyQuil and don't remember anything after that.

As for me, I'm on Sudafed, my absolute favorite cold medicine. One little red pill takes me from sniffling and moaning straight to bright eyed, bushy-tailed and frantic.

Honestly, sudafed works so damn well on it's own that I think the folks that use it to make Meth are just getting greedy.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Driven to Distractions

So, I was gonna go to the DMV today, but I accidentally showered and shaved this morning...so I'll have to wait a couple of days.

Have you noticed this? Everyone in line in the DMV looks like they clearly need a license, because it's apparent they've been walking - without a comb, change of clothes or a mirror - for the past week or so.

What I don't get are the statistical odds. I mean, just about everybody needs a license, which means that after a few visits you should eventually see a few more folks that looked like they had a job, home - or anywhere besides a meth clinic - to go to after their time in motor vehicle purgatory. But somehow I always dodge those folks....

I think if a sociologist from an alien race studied your average DMV waiting room he would have to deduct that we have maximums on the IQ and income of people we give licenses to. And the good news is, an alien wondering around the DMV probably wouldn't even seem out of place.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Holding Class with the President

So everyone's been talking about the President's speech to school students, and opinions are everywhere...

One Fox News viewer was initially excited that about the event, until someone explained to her that "indoctrination" did not, in fact, mean that listening to the President would make her son a doctor.

Of course, some publicly-funded schools couldn't afford the TV's or computers necessary for today's live speech. At these schools, students were encouraged to sit quietly and watch the speech on their iPhone or BlackBerry.

And students themselves are also commenting on the President's speech. One high school senior was really looking forward to the speech, explaining that he's "stoked to see Bill Clinton on TV - I love that guy." A sophomore at a second school said that she would also watch the speech, but under protest: "No matter what he says, I'm voting for Bush in the next election...I already mailed in my ballot and everything."

In a more drastic move, a group of students at one Montana school feel that the President has gone to far. "If this continues, we've decided to defect," explained the groups leader, "we'll all leave the country and move to New Mexico."

Friday, August 28, 2009

Riddle Me This...

Hey, I know I've been a slacker this summer, but I swear I've got some new posts brewing.

In the meantime, if you're like me you've absolutely run out of quizzes and surveys to take on facebook, so I ventured into the perverse world of over-the-top self-promotion social marketing and wrote my own:

"Which Social Network Are You?" -- The Quiz

is now available for FREE to all dedicated fans.

(Actually, it's free to everyone, but go ahead, gloat a little.)

Enjoy and spread the word like mono on a marching band trip...I'll be back with more juicy, original bits soon.

Oh, and you can become a fan of the damn thing too - because you know, you've got that kinda time:

Which social network are you... on Facebook

Need help with the app? Have a question about it? Leave it as a comment and I'll laugh...and then maybe help.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Better late than never...well, maybe

Hey there! Sorry I've been gone a while. After my last post, I accidentally locked myself out of my house, so I just went on over to the police station and turned myself in...seemed like the safe thing to do.

Anyway, while I was gone, I started a new "list" (because you know, you'd don't get enough lists over at facebook).

Oh, and to make it better, this was *very* topical - back on July 4th.

Steve D.'s Top Five Ways to Make Your Own Fireworks:

Suggest your local veterans groups also sing the National Anthem "in French, so everyone feels included."
Ask your Democratic friends for help with the leak in your boat, add "after all, you people are the experts."
Suggest your GOP friends aren't really Americans...demand to see a birth certificate with a raised seal.
Ask your local Kung Fu school if they offer any classes on ancient auto erotic asphyxiation secrets.
Ask your wife if it's okay if you do a little "hiking on the Appalachian Trail" (and/or explain to her that she's not your soulmate, but that you'll *try* to fall back in love with her).

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Happy Independence Day

Hope everyone has a great Fourth of July.

Just remember, if it wasn't for a bunch of wealthy colonial merchants who were pissed off about paying more taxes, we'd all still be speaking English.

(Of course, we'd also be drinking our beer warm with boiled meats...)

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Quacking in Ecstasy

It's a video trifecta:

First, it stars Kate Micucci (the cool ukulele player from Scrubs)

Second, it featured T. J. Miller (Marmaduke from Carpoolers)

...and third, it makes fun of anyone that tries to rally people around a cause by suggesting we be worried about erotic interludes between men and waterfowl:

Monday, June 08, 2009

Quick Catch of the News

So, researchers now say that the mercury in fish may be a new leading factor in liver disease. This is particulary bad news for fans of Tennessee's newest export: Tuna Whiskey.

Meanwhile, a man in Florida was arrested for carrying a crossbow while looking for psychedelic mushrooms. The man quickly explained that the crossbow was to get that "damned leprechaun."

Finally, a man in England received a blackeye when he ran into a tree while sending a Twitter update from his BlackBerry. Actually, the man claimed that "the branch came out of nowhere and hit my face hard."

The sudden attack by the tree scared the man...

...who made a hasty retweet.

Friday, May 29, 2009

JMadison commented on your status...

If facebook quiz makers were our Founding Fathers...

...we would have the “inaliable right to a purse, suits and happiness.”

...we could all “keep bear arms in our houses to help keep the military regular.”

...the States could make no law “that deep rives anybodies life, library or property without dewey process.”

...we would have the right to “speedos and a pubic trial by a partial jury.”

...it would be illegal “for the governments to hide soldiers quarters in your house.”

and

...we would have "the right to have free seizures in our house without being violated, unless there was reasonable claws."

Got one of your own? Tweet it to me

or just Tweet this post to your friends.

(Oh, and there is at least one quiz that's written fairly good...I mean well.)

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Pure Dead Funny

Finally, a reason to go to Scotland*. How have I not seen these before?

This might be my favorite so far...it's like Robin Sparkles doing a soda ad:

*Get a scooby, mates. It's just a joke.

Oh, what the heck. Here's another classic one:

tweet this

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Of course, there's no medal for it...

Michael Phelps, who came out of the 2008 Olympics as arguably the greatest swimmer ever, now faces new allegations that he had a marathon sex session with two strippers...

...making him definetely the greatest swimmer ever.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Flip Phone Emergency

Friday Fun Fact:

If you dial 6-1-1 they play a recorded message...

...telling you to turn the phone around and dial again.

Of course, you'll be listening to the mouthpiece, so you probably won't hear it.

For more badly needed information, click here.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Lost and Found

Well, it's been a great morning: I finally solved the mystery of LOST!

It's Suddenly Susan.

Yep, that's the show that the guy that plays Richard used to be on. I have to admit it was driving me crazy - obviously he was on Cane (I mean, duh, that's not much of a mystery), but I knew I'd seen him somewhere else.

Anyway, I knew there's been a lot of people watching LOST and scratching their heads, so I figured I'd clear it all up for everybody.

Oh, you want to know what's the deal with the island? It's obviously an abstract representation of Scotland in the early 13th century - Jack is clearly Máel Coluim MacHeth and...well, it all falls in place from there.

There- now that that's taken care of you can free up your DVR to catch new episiodes of Scrubs or Chuck.

Oh wait...

Monday, May 04, 2009

Jeff warned us all man, he warned us all

Beware the sock gap, my friend...always beware of the sock gap:

(Oh, and it's not as naughty as it looks - maybe nsfw, but PG-13 at worst.)

Watch Realistic Hollywood Sex Scene and more funny videos on CollegeHumor

You know, the best comedy here is the written kind (rants, etc.) but if you really want more funny video, go ahead ...I'm used to it.

Friday, May 01, 2009

Of course, they might just sniff the glue...

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

And Now for Something Completely Creepy

I remember the song, but didn't remember this, very funny, very creepy, video:

Monday, April 13, 2009

The Sixth Senseless: Bet You Didn't Know No. 6

Back and better* than ever! More fabulous, fun (fake) facts to share with your friends and neighbors:

Despite their name, Quincy is the only Little Einstein that is actually Jewish.
If Mrs. Limbaugh had won the bet, millions of conservatives would tune in each day to listen to a man named Van Halen Limbaugh.
In an embarrassing move in 2005, the government accidentally sent out 1,400 letters calling up members of the Salvation Army to active duty.
Although the moon appears larger closer to the horizon, if you bend over and look at it from between your legs most people will stop looking at the sky.
For decades, many congressmen voted to increase the number of government grants because they assumed they were only $50 each.

*"Better" only applies in comparison to other Bet You Didn't Know installments...

...and seriously, it's not that high a hurdle.

Keep up, damnit! Read the whole "Bet You Didn't Know" Series.

Like it? Then Digg it, baby.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

This Just In

By now, tens of thousands of Windows users have installed a critical update from Microsoft to precent the malicious worm the Conficker from crashing their PC's...

...In a related story, tens of thousands of PC's have recently crashed due to a critical update from Micrsoft.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Worth it's Weight in Wool

I know I'm overdue for an original post, but seriously, this is awesome:

More original stuff coming soon. In the mean time, feel free to check out some classic humor bits.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

A Matter of Opinion?

This is priceless...or 100x priceless, depending on how you do the math:

Check out more fail topics over at failblog.org ...or on here by clicking the "fail" label below.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Bumper Fail

No Child Left Behind...

...except this one:

HEY! Don't keep it a secret: Give it points at Reddit or Digg it, damnit!

Oh, what, you want more? Fine.
Click here for more funny photos or here for more fun with kids.
Just don't click here.

Monday, March 09, 2009

Always Read the Label

Frequent reader Jim forwarded another great video about a new item from one of my favorite companies, Apple:

But that's not the real news (well, it never was the real news - more like the fake real news, but this is different, it's the "news" that I - oh, screw it). The real news is that Jim has now been added as a label. It's down there at the bottom, take a look, I'll wait...

...Jim (or "jim" in this case) now is in the company of other hallmarks of hilarity, such as blonde v brunette, viagra, amateur, and, of course, urinal.

If you see Jim, be sure to tell him congratulations.

Tell him that and then walk away, very slowly, avoiding direct eye contact.

Terrellbile Geography

Did you hear this? After being cut from the Dallas Cowboys, Terrell Owens signed with the Bills. During the press conference, T. O. explained that he is excited to be

"leaving Americas team...

...to play for North America's team."

I just hope his work visa goes through.

After the press conference, Terrell's agent called to explain that we was going to have to raise his percentage on the new deal to cover "the cost of exchanging North American money into American dollars."

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Did You FLY? In the AIR?

Louis CK on Conan. If you've ever been to one of those presentations where they tell you that today's high school and college students don't understand classic references - "They've never seen carbon paper," "They think Paul Newman makes Salad Dressing," etc. - and that, therefore, YOU need to change then you'll really appreciate this.

Brilliant.

Monday, March 02, 2009

See? They are giving you a hand

So, there's a new product out for your Blackberry or iPhone called:

"Congress in Your Pocket"

...I gotta think that's going to bring back some painful memories for congressional pages.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

"The Fargo Effect?" Aww...Jeez

(I know I missed the chance to get this in as a new Oscar category - maybe next year)

It seems that there's a growing trend in comedy movies.

First, a zany, offbeat movie comes out and everyone (except you) goes to see it.

Then for the next several months all you hear are the catch phrases from the movie.

Finally, when it's on DVD, pay-per-view or HBO, you finally sit down and watch it - and it really seems to disappoint.

But then it happens...

...you find yourself quoting the movie now, too.

And over time it seems funnier and funnier.

I've had enough conversations to know I'm not alone in this, but I want to know what you, the great unwashed (and even a few of the lightly rinsed) feel about it:

Has it happened to you?

What movies come to mind?

Which movie was either

(1) the first to demonstrate it or

(2) demonstrates the "it'll be funnier later" phenomenon better than any others?

Shall it be known as...

..."The Fargo Effect?"

..."The Python Effect?"

..."The Napoleon (Dynamite) Effect?"

Anyway, weigh in. Give examples, discuss the abstractions of the whole thing, or just throw in the name of the movies that you think fit. Leave them as comments here, over at the facebook fan page, or - if you're really secretive - e-mail me.

I'll post a survey with the front runners to see which film gets the great honor.

UPDATE: Current films under consideration...
Fargo
Napoleon Dynamite
Step Brothers
Get your nominations in now - first round voting starts soon!

Monday, February 16, 2009

Self Ef-face-ing Humor

This video was forwarded by a friend...and no, not just a facebook friend:

Now, don't let that stop you from using facebook ...buddy.

(Bonus irony: Share this with all your old classmates on facebook by clicking here.)

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Friendliest Skies

So, this year's Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Models are flying SouthWest as part of a promotion.

I'll leave the "twin engine" jokes to your imagination, but I can't help but think it'll be just too tempting for the flight attendants not to modify the floatation device announcement.

Honestly, I hope they preboard the models. I have a feeling they may misunderstand the whole lining up by A's B's and C's thing. Oh, and I feel sorry for anybody who decided this was the flight to try the "Viagra prevents jetlag" trick.

Preparing for Disaster

Wanted to welcome The Disastergirl Chronicles to my ultra-elite bloglist (it's over there on the right somewhere).

It's great writing - so much so that I'm hoping our audiences aren't mutually exclusive.

Go ahead, take a look...I'll wait here.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Setting Bale

This was too good to resist. Oh, and personally, I think the lighting is F'ing perfect on it, Chris:

(Warning: Don't listen to this at work, with the kids around, or if you're considering a career as a Director of Photography)

New Awesome* Feature: Like this? Post it to facebook by clicking here. NOW (don't make me go all Bale on you).

*Awesomeness is dependent on your system, settings and mood - no guarantee implied.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Take Two and Call Me in the Morning

Washington, DC - While declining to declare it "the best," the FDA today did declare laughter a medicine. As such, it is now only available with a prescription.

(Like this? Share the love at facebook by clicking here.)

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Duck, Duck, Doberman

So, if a bunch of grapes can kill dogs, but it takes an Airbus 320 to kill Canadian geese...

...why don't we use guard geese?

(I guess it's because they can't get a green card.)

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Leave a Message - seriously, put it down and step back

I love getting voice message. Seriously, I love me some voice mail. Combined with caller ID it's the greatest invention of the 20th Century.

Ok, well maybe not the greatest, but it's up there...somewhere below the polio vaccine and above reality TV.

Like I said, I love getting messages...

...except this one:

"Hi Steve, it's Jim*, call me back - I need to tell you something."

No. No you don't need to tell me something. If you had a need to tell me something, then you (write this part down)
would
have
told
me.

That's what voice mail is for. It doesn't say "wait for the tone and ramble" it says "wait for the tone and LEAVE A MESSAGE."

What Jim has in this case is not a need to tell me something. Instead he has a clear, somewhat creepy, need to be spoken too; to have someone respond to his plea for attention. What the message really says is:

"Hi Steve, it's Jim. No one is on facebook and I'm starting to doubt my worth in the world. Please call me back and reaffirm my belief that someone out there stil -"
MESSAGE DELETED.

Oops, sorry about that, force of habit.

Now I know sometimes what you mean is "we need to discuss [this project/the test results/your background check]," but at least give me a heads up - let's move the bar a little folks.

Of course, sometimes I get the really idiotic "non-message." For instance, this gem:

"Hi Steve, this is George** from Faulk & Leavem Printing. I've got the quote you wanted for the 2000 copies of your 'How to Leave a Message' brochure....

...call me back."

_______________

* For what it's worth, Jim usually leaves very informative - slightly slurred - messages; often with graphic detail.

** This is a celebrity impersonation - George Hamilton did not appear in this rant.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Sorry (7 points)

Hey, sorry I've been a little aloof for the beginning on 2009. Rough hangover.

No seriously, I've been spending more time...way too much time...over at facebook playing Scramble. Have you tried this? It's like Boggle, just a little more pathetic because you can do it with absolutely no human interaction at all.

If you have tried Scramble, you should try the new Ann Coulter version. It's harder because words like "FEMINIST," "LIBERAL" and "DEMOCRATS" only count as 4 letter words.