Stand Up Comedy ...from a Seated Position: 2008

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Thank You Thank You Thank You

Received this recently from a dedicated reader (I know, I know you're thinking you were the only dedicated reader -- don't worry, it's still a pretty exclusive club). Not sure where this started (I have a feeling it grew and developed as it moved around -- you know, like the flu), but it's something I had to share with everyone (you know, like the flu):

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

To all my friends....

As 2008 comes to an end, I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels...or how he pushed the buttons.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose...although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. Of course, I probably can't remember because all the metallic wrappers have given my Alzheimer's.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a poor, sick Penny Brown who is about to die in the hospital...for the 1,387,258th time.

Of course, all my money troubles will be over soon, when I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat fast food chicken because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

Of course, I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper either, since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer accept packages because the delivery people are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites me.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

Now, if you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's bowling partner's beautician.

Oh, by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Again, thank you Rick for sending this along...

(Like it? Digg it, damnit!)

Monday, December 15, 2008

He shoots - he misses

Choose your favorite one-liner:

Can you believe how fast the President ducked? Must be all that practice on hunting trips with Cheney.

If Monica Lewinsky dodged that fast she'd still have a dress.

Bush moved faster than Tom Foley's page trying to get out of his office.

And they said all that money for dodgeball camp was a waste.

...or submit your own (show off).

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Express Yourself

You know, it used to be that the biggest cluster#@$ at a retail store was the "Express" lane, where, in fact, nothing is express. I think they just call it that so the sad sap of a cashier that gets stuck there feels special.

If you work in retail, here's a little hint: Being told you've been "promoted" to the express lane is like having the principal explain that you were so good at fifth grade she'd like you to do it again.

Once you've suffered through an express lane, you can see why they limit the number of items you can have in your order. If you had to watch your life slip away for more than 15 items you'd undoubtedly go apeshit and just start killing people at random...

...which would be easier because they probably have firearms for sale at the express lane. Heck, they've got everything else. Cigarettes? Behind the counter at the express lane. Seasonal merchandise? Express lane. Lottery tickets? Postage stamps? Right there...in...the...express...lane.

Here's a concept: How about having 15 items or less BEHIND the express lane? Let's give the mouth breather wearing his nametag upside down at least a fair shot.

But like I said, that used to be the worst experience.

Enter the "self checkout" lane:

Here, everyone gets to try to find the barcode and scan it over a snot-covered mirror, and I certainly agree that everyone should get to try it...

...once.

Here's my plan (thanks for asking). When you go to the self checkout lane you scan your license first, then the register checks your past attempts. If you can't find a barcode within 30 seconds, or if it takes you more and than 45 seconds to get the scanned item into a bag; or if you can't figure out that you can't lean on, let you kids sit on, or put your pet dog on the scale where the bags are the machine politely directs you to another lane.

Preferably an express lane.

Heck, if you really screw up, it could automatically print an application to work in the express lane.

Friday, December 05, 2008

Drink in the Season

Hey, it's a lazy Friday (surprise, surprise). There's more original nonsense coming, but in the meantime, here's some cultured music to get you in the holiday spirit:

For the a-hole who has everything

People always ask me*, what's a great funny gift? Usually, I suggest a fake pregnancy test...or a fake death certificate. But enough about that.

If you're looking for something funny to give for the holidays, I've put some suggestions together over at Amazon.com, conveniently laid out with pretty photos -- like a Denny's menu.

Click here to see what you need to buy...now!

*by people, I'm including the small voices inside my head.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

A Thanksgiving Classic

I was thinking the other day that one of the networks -- say TV Land -- should play nothing but famous Thanksgiving episodes on Thursday so we could see all the classics. All I can say is, how very 1.0 of me...why wait for TV when it's already on the Web:

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

If the Train's on Time...

Well, judging by the crap in the mall, it's time to bypass Halloween, Election Day, Veterans Day and Thanksgiving and head straight into the Chris-er "Holiday" Season. You know, we say Holiday Season so we can include all the Winter Holidays...because imagine the missed sales if we offended the people out doing their Winter Soltice shopping.

Anyway, not to be left behind, I wanted to post a funny video, apparently from ItTastesFunny.com, that was sent to me by long-time sufferer/reader Bob:

(Yes, there are more funny videos here...either click on the "video" tag below or in the list on the left. Or, for the latest post(s), click here.)

Thursday, October 23, 2008

This Just In: Congratulations McCain

For Immediate Release:
Fox News has just declared John McCain the winner of the 2008 Presidential Election.

New York - With 11 days to go until election day, Fox analysts, with help from consultants Karen Hughes and Karl Rove, have declared the election over and John McCain the winner in a "landslide."

"It was really unavoidable at this point, it would've been irresponsible of us not to call the election," explained Fox spokesperson Sarah Eisenhower Goldwater-Nixon.

"First we eliminated states that were, in our expert opinion, going to see unprecedented voter fraud in this election - if it were allowed to occur. Based on our analysis, the following states votes would be loaded with fraud and should not be counted: California, New York, Illinois, Michigan, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Maryland, Illinois, Vermont, Delaware, and Oregon."

"Oh and Florida, we never count Florida."

When asked why all the states eliminated were states where Obama was shown winning, Goldwater-Nixon replied, "That's not true. We also threw out Alaska because, well, seriously, what do those people know?"

She continued: "We then removed the likely votes from groups that are normally purged from voter registrations...a process we like to call 'the Jeb Bush doctrine.' Minorities, immigrants and anyone with a vowel at the end of their name is considered to be a fraudulent or suspect registration and is removed. After this process, the results clearly indicated Obama would lose in the election...if it were to be held...which would be ridiculous."

She indicated that it was irresponsible of the Obama campaign to ask for a real election in light of their "fair and balanced" decision of the outcome. "Why have all these people take time away from their jobs and use fuel to go out and vote when we've already told you who's be selected? This is obviously another instance where our oppon- I mean Senator Obama shows his disregard for the environment and the working class."

The Fox spokesperson denied accusations that this all seemed to make it too easy for McCain to become President: "It would seem that way, but to be honest we almost chose Bush again."

(Like it? Digg it!)
Looking for more? Pick your flavor of comedy: Political, Spoofs, or a little Eye-Candy.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Hyrdogenated Fear

Breaking Fake News:

Sarah Palin is expected to announce tomorrow a new allegation against Democratic candidate Barrak Obama. In a leaked teleprompter script, it appears Palin will pile on Obama:

"My friends, I am sad to say that our opponent has been silent on new allegations we have heard that he contains up to 80 percent trans-fats. Now I don't know about you guys, but in Alaska we don't like trans-fats in anything, and we certainly don't want them in the White House!

[pause for applause and cheering - continue after redneck threatens violence or uses racial slur.]

Now, the left would have you believe our opponent is right for America, but we know better don't we? It doesn't take a fancy degree or a bookcase of books...

[pause to allow part of crowd to boo books]

...or a bookcase of leftist non-fiction books to know that trans-fats cause the cancer. Is that what you want? Cancer? John McCain and I know you don't want cancer, and that's why we're working so darn hard to get the word out. I just don't understand why our opponent has been so silent on answering these charges. I guess for that one and his kind it's patriotic to raise taxes, but not to be honest with the country that you're loaded with cancer-causing trans-fats!

[wink at audience, pause for applause]

[Improvise ending, be sure to include "Maverick," "terrorist," and "drill, baby, drill;" work in "Ronald Reagan" if possible. Complete sentences optional.]

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Grumpy Old Anchors

Yea, I know this is dated, but I heard the audio today on Stern and had to find the video:

Friday, October 03, 2008

It'll Hit Her Like a Rock

It's a sad day in Bedrock:

Like it? Then Digg it, damnit.

For more eye comedy, click here.
For the all the latest lame bits, click here.

You know they probably have a lot of customers within view...

So, I just looked at the receipt from a recent trip to the Washington Monument, and it clearly states "Washington Monument Not For Resale."

But with a $850 Billon "Rescue" plan in the works, maybe it's time to rethink that...

I mean, not selling the whole thing - although that would be a real easy apartment building to find - but maybe just the naming rights.

I can see the new sign now:

Welcome to the Viagra Monument.
Please note that it may take up to one hour to get all the way up.
Also, if you remain at the peak for 4 or more hours, please contact your physician.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Mail Call: Dealing with a Difficult Child

Haven't forwarded anything from my e-mail in a while, but this one made the cut. Again, I didn't write it, but I thought it was worth sharing:

Most of the American population thinks it improper to spank children, so I have
tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car
ride and talk. Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the
time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car
ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.

I've included a photo
below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the
technique.

Scroll down...

This works with grandchildren,
nieces, and nephews as well

To Digg it, click here. For more comedy about the thrills of raising children, click here (or on the kids tag below)

Did you write it? Know who did? Send along a comment with the info and I'll give credit where it's due...

Friday, September 26, 2008

Parenting Tip

It's a good idea to give your kids puppets at an early age...that way they learn that it's fun to poke animals in the face.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Start your day off right!

Who wouldn't want a bowl full of this?

Thursday, September 11, 2008

It's all in the packaging...

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Your Daily Grace

Found this on the blogosphere and thought it was worth sharing (and might distract you from my on-going "pause" from new material).

Granted, there's not much fact there behind the funny, but if you want that go look at Slate:

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

(S)Care Bears?

So, I saw this in one of those "play until you win" crane games:

I'd assume that if you get the Kerry '04 bear that you'd still get to keep trying.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

It's too late to 'poligize

Ok, ok - so I was wrong about McCain's VP selection. I apologize to all of you, and specifically to those who placed bets based on my predictions:

John: I'm sure you can move in with your in-laws...or maybe your friend will let you rent back your old house

Kendra: Cheer up - just because he could post those photos on the internet doesn't mean he wi - oh wait, there they are.

And finally...

Jimmy D: When you go to Mike's to pay up, just remember that there are guys that pay to do that...so it can't be THAT bad.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Bad Water Farmer, Bad Water Farmer, Watcha Gonna Do...

Just wanted to put up a quick link to one of the funniest things I've seen in a while:

Hasbro's new "Awkward Moments in Star Wars" line.

The first new item is (this is literally on the box)...

..."Disturbance at the Lars Household."

I can hear the audio now:

[gravelly stormtrooper voice] Stormtrooper: What seems to be the problem?

Lars: I work hard all day and I just want to come in and relax, without this biatch gettin' all in my face! [evil glance at Beru]

Beru: All I want is for you is to go put a cover on the land speeder in case it rains! Is that too much to ask?!

Lars: In case it RAINS?! Are you out of your [bleep] mind? We have TWO suns, no ozone, oh, and a billion acres of [bleep] SAND. It ain't gonna rain, damnit! [bleep] this, I'm going to the cantina.

Stormtrooper: Mr. Skylwalker, you're going downtown, but not to the cantina. Now, just come with - wait, where did he go?!

Beru: He ran out the back tunnel [turning towards tunnel] LIKE A [bleep] COWARD!

Still, I have to agree with most of the other bloggers: the brother-sister kiss will probably be the centerpiece of the "awkward" line.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

McCain's Running Mate - A Modest Prediction

Rumor is Senator John McCain will "leak" his choice of VP this evening, and while I don't think people of the Senator's age should use the verb "leak," I do want to go on record with my predictions before the big event.

So, if you're getting ready to call in your bet, here are my guaranteed* predictions on the GOP Vice Presidential Candidate:

1) He will be a he. (See, that cuts down the possibilities by roughly 52% right there.)
2) He will be younger than McCain.
3) While he may be white, he will not be as pale as McCain.
4) He will be more conservative than McCain...or at least more conservative than McCain was before he was "Pre-emptive Nominee McCain."
5) He will seek out the help of...but secretly loathe...Karl Rove (oh no, wait, that's McCain himself).
6) In a twist of logic, he will call the candidate that hasn't been in Wedding Crashers a "celebrity."

...and finally

7) He will most assuredly have never read this blog. (Granted, this last one doesn't really help.)

So, go place your bets. If you win big, tell your friends you read it here first. If you lose, well you shouldn't really bet on Presidential politics...

...it's too easy to rig.

(*The term "guarantee" in no way implies a certainty, reliability or...well...guarantee of any kind.)

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Biden My Time

So Obama finally announced that Joe Biden from Delaware is his choice for VP.

It was a controversial decision on many reasons, including that the Obama campaign can no longer play the "bald card" against McCain.

Did you know that Senator Biden had brain surgery back in the 80's? For a politician that's a real risky procedure. With any trauma to the brain there's a chance that the patient can come out of it a Republican.

Of course, Biden's not popular with everyone. When asked what he thought of Obama choosing a running mate from Delaware, Bill O'Reilly replied:

"It figures Obama would pick a foreigner."

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Quick Note to Parents

Now, I don't want to sound like some New Zealand Judge, but...

...if you want your daughter to have credibility when she grows up,

you shouldn't name her Pigeon.

But then again, for your son, you may want to avoid John as well.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Pedal, pedal, pedal

So, I'm thinking you send away for this kit...

...and get a package of waterproof tape and a rudder for your car.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Beware Flying Printers

I deserve a raise. You know why? Because I am a damn fine document feeder. You know who doesn’t deserve a raise? The person that designed my printer.

You know why?

BECAUSE THE DOCUMENT FEEDER ON MY PRINTER S-U-C-K-S.

Now, let’s suppose you wrote “SUCKS” on five sheets of paper and then tried to fax it, scan it or copy it to explain how you feel about your printer.

Here’s what you’d get:

S

U

Please clear and reload.

…and by the by, I’m being kind on the U – it usually doesn’t make it all the way through the second page.

Now, if the thing that looks like a document feeder, takes documents like a document feeder and then proceeds to jam is actually an Automatic Document Jam tray, then I apologize – it’s working just friggin’ beautifully.

Or, if it’s supposed to be a spoiler than it’s not bad either. Of course, the only way to find out for sure would be to make the printer move at a high velocity and see if the spoiler keeps it from leaving the ground…

…which gives me an idea.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

People Like Me, They Really Like Me

I'm really honored that David Plouffe took time off from running the Obama campaign to research just how popular I am:

But wow, I didn't even know I'd met two million people - and I'm sure I've pissed off some of them...especially if they've read my blog.

Either way, I'm impressed. Still, it'd be a nice if a few of them followed me over at twitter...

...or on facebook

...or on myspace.

Not that I'm desperate or anything.

Monday, August 11, 2008

For the Bathroom that has Everything...

...except a really high creep factor. Any one of these unique gift items should take care of that:

I'd love to say that these were one of a kind, but not only were there several of each, there were multiple versions of some of the tiles. I mean, who wants to have the just one tile depicting an old man taking a dump when you can have two?

I am curious about the woman in the middle -- and not just because of the steamy "come hither" pose. What I want to know is what's with the loofah? or is it a scrub brush? Either way, it's a little disturbing that she hasn't put it down.

Anyway, hurry to your local Dollar Store to get yours. I'm all set...now I just need to wrap them up and wait for Christmas.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Don't Try This at Home

Seriously, this is a good way to get a divorce, a bullet to the head, or both. It's very wrong, but it is pretty damn funny:

This found it's way to my mailbox, so thanks for sharing "M."

Monday, August 04, 2008

In Flight Entertainment

I have a question: Why are there so many porn magazines at airport newstands?

Who's buying these and, more importantly, when do they get a chance to look at them? Here you are, about to be crammed into a flying canister where the person next to you is sooo close they can tell what you had for lunch - let alone what you're reading - and you're supposed to discretely look at porn?

What I think it really ironic is that they put it behind opaque plastic in the airport newstand - I assume to keep kids from looking at it...

...but then you're supposed to buy it and try to, um "read" it with every kid on the airplane practically in your lap?

And what do you do about the centerfolds?

"Excuse me, ma'am, could you fold this page out across your lap for just a minute? I just want to see if Miss January is a real blonde. Thanks."

I guess you could take them to the airplane bathroom.

Would that make you part of the 1/2 Mile High Club?

Keepin' it Clean

Here's a guy that knows how to take care of his clothes:

That's a McD.L.T. promotional T-Shirt right there. I'm guessing it was printed when they rolled them out...

...which was circa 1985.

To put it in perspective: Reagan was President; Obama hadn't started listening to Rev. Wright yet; PC's came without hard drives; gas was something like 85 cents a gallon; and Senator McCain was, well, he was a Senator - but you get the idea.

And there's the irony that the T-Shirt outlasted the sandwich by almost two decades!

20+ years of wear out of a free t-shirt - this guy knows how to get his money's worth.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Modestly Ambitious

So, I stumbled across a little more modesty in product claims. This time it was on a "toilet lock." For those of you who haven't had toddlers in the past few decades, a toilet lock keeps the lid down so your toddler's head -- or your keys, your jewelry, etc. don't go in the bowl.

Well, I was reading the box for our toilet lock (you can see why I'm too busy to post more often), and I noticed that it states that it "Helps keep the toilet locked."
No.
No.
No.
Nobody wants a toilet lock that "helps" keep the toilet locked. That's like getting a surgeon that will help you with your triple bypass. The toilet lock is pretty much the beginning and end of the whole toilet locking regime. It's right there in the name: Toilet LOCK. Maybe if I bought a product called Toilet Lock Helper, that would be a different story...

On the opposite end of the spectrum is the sign I saw at my local pizza place. When you leave, there's a sign on the door that says "Place your next order on-line now!"

I think the "now" is a little over-ambitious. How much do they think I like this pizza? I'm holding a hot, steaming pie in my hands already, and now I'm supposed to go home and instantly order the next one? I don't think heroin dealers are this pushy. ("Here's your order - oh, and before you shoot up, why don't you go ahead and page me? I'll meet you back here in about 10 minutes.")

And then there's the sale at my local grocery store. They've reduced or, as they put it "knocked down," prices throughout the store, including on baby items. So there, in the baby aisle, they had balloons announcing "Knocked Down Baby Savings." Now remember, we live in the land of no child left behind, and this is not a special at the Mensa Giftshop. I'm thinking if you promote Knocked Down Baby Savings, it's just a matter of time before you hear this:

"Waaaahaaa!"
"Waaaahaaa!"
"Waaaahaaa!"
[hurried running to customer service]
"I just knocked down three of 'em. How much do I save?"

In your face...book

Just a quick house-keeping note: If you're looking for something do besides wait for succulent new tidbits of humor here, you can check out my facebook page. Heck, you can even become a bona fide "fan." (I know, a dream come true, I'm sure.) Here's the link:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Steve-Ds-Stand-Up-Comedyfrom-a-Seated-Position/22830378433?ref=nf

Prefer the glitzy chaos of MySpace to the button-down organization of facebook? Well have no fear...there's a Steve D. page there as well:

http://www.myspace.com/lazycomic

And, yes, for some strange compulsion I also have a twitter account:

http://twitter.com/lazycomic

Now get stalking!

Friday, July 25, 2008

Don't Stop...Run

Friend of mine pointed this out to me. It's like Dilbert for the real world (and, sadly a little too real):

Thursday, July 24, 2008

A Child By Any Other Name

A side-step from the usual "made up" nonsense - sometimes truth is funnier than fiction:

When I first saw this story on Yahoo, I assumed they had been conned into believing an old urban legend. You know, one of those "I swear this is true" stories about how kidnappers are hiding in garbage cans so always hit them with a bat before you take them out stories that your gullible uncle always sends.

If you follow Snopes at all, you know the one I'm talking about: some activist conservative judge (I thought Fox News said that was an oxymoron? anyway...) takes away mothers' rights to name their children after some sad examples.

Well, it turns out Yahoo was right and I was wrong. An apparent activist judge has taken away a parent's right to name their child...especially if the name they chose was "Talula Does the Hula." Sadly, U.S. Courts probably won't recognize the New Zealand precedent, leaving little hope for "Richard Hertz,""Amanda Deunow," and "Irma Teetzbeggar."

Oh, and what is the new name for the-child-formerly-known-as Talula, etc.? The court didn't say, but you can be sure it was picked from a list of previously allowed New Zealand names...

...which, by the way, include the moniker "Violence."

Niiice...

Anyway, now back to the fictional jokes and comedy.

Oh, and maybe you should stop deleting your uncle's e-mails -- there just might be a new pill to give your car 200 miles per gallon.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Just about always, some of the time.

The other day I was reading the label on our antibacterial wipes because you know, I've got that kind of time, and I noticed this claim:

"Kills 99.9% of Some Bacteria"

Is it just me, or is that unnecessarily modest? I'm no chemist, but I would think it's safe to say that it kills 100% of some bacteria. How low do they need to set the expectation for this product? Heck, this blog entertains 100% of some readers; 100% of some teens don't use drugs; even voting in Florida counts 100% some of the time.

Just a Thought

If you've been watching this blog recently, anxiously awaiting for a sign of life, well...well, that's a little sad.

Anyway, I've got new stuff coming, and in the meantime I've brought back my bloglist (it's over there on the right somewhere. Don't look now though, it's rude to look away when you're reading a blog post.) I had an extensive list of blogs on the old template, and if you own one that hasn't been linked to since the transition then I apologize; I'll try to bring back more faves soon.

That said, the blog that receives the priceless privilege of being first on my new blog roll is Thought Volcanoes.

To explain the entire connection between the author of Thought Volcanoes and yours truly would probably be long and boring - and while that normally doesn't stop me, I'll spare you today. Suffice to say that I've been reading commentary from the blogger over at "TV"* since blogging consisted of late night phone calls on a cordless phone with an antennae so long you could use it to get cats out of trees.

*Good friends can abbreviate it -- don't let me catch you doing it.

(Have a blog that links to lazycomic.blogspot.com? Then send me a comment and I'll try to return the favor.)

Saturday, June 21, 2008

All the Rainbow Sprinkles you could ever want...

This is going out to all you Parrotheads...or all you Sundae fans...or both:

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Bleeding Edge Technology

German users of the MacBook Air have reported that the front edge of the new soul laptop is sharp enough to cut flesh.

Although one might think this was a flaw, secret insiders report that what the German users actual have is a prototype for a new MacBook that somehow leaked into the retail stream.

The new laptop - to be released on an upcoming rainy, dreary day when you wish the world would just end already - is the MacBook Emo. In addition to the razor sharp Finally Something to Feel(TM) front edge, the new laptop will be painted flat black and will come preloaded with every Morrissey song ever released.

The operating system is largely unchanged for the the new MB Emo, however system crashes are now reported on a screen that says "System Error at...you know, never mind, you don't understand - no one does."

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Oh, the Pressure

You know the saying "I feel like I've got the weight of world on my shoulders?" Yea, the one that refers to Atlas. No one knows who came up with that saying*, but I've got a feeling it was a woman.

Why, you ask? (Ok, so you didn't ask, but you didn't click "Next Blog" either, so here it comes...) Because when you say that to someone there's an almost subconscious response where they want to rub your shoulders. And, as you probably know, to most men shoulder-rubbing is like the summer prime time TV schedule: not outright painful, but certainly nothing that we asked for.

My suggestion? Glad you asked. (See how this asking thing works?) Men should start changing up the phrase. Example: "I feel like I've got the weight of the world in my lap."

Oh, I know - the first woman that hears it probably won't start massaging your worries away, but eventually - like a democrat winning an election - it could happen.

And that would sure beat watching a summer of reruns...

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The Natural Look

I went to a funeral recently. Now, I know that's not a great way to start a humor bit, but hey, if funerals weren't supposed to fun, why'd they put it right there in the first three letters?

Anyway, I came straight from my "real job" and realized I was just about the only guy in a suit. Nope, not even "the" guy was in a suit. So I felt a little uneasy.

But you know, the last thing to worry about at a viewing is how you look. Let's face it, there's only one person people are going to remember and, well, he or she didn't even get to pick the outfit. On the upside, it'll probably be the most make-up time anyone outside of Hollywood gets -- and it's guaranteed not to run or smear off onto your water glass.

So everyone else can relax...

...unless, of course, you happen to be as old as (or older than) the star of the show. Then you might want to take a couple minutes to "freshen up," because nobody wants to be first draft in the inevitable "Who's Next" pool. (Oh come on, admit it. You take a casual glance around the reception and figure out how far you'll have to drive for the next one. It's perfectly natural and, yes, it does make you a shallow person.)

Anyway, the guy I went to honor never read my blog when he was living (at least he was lucky in one way). So Tony, if you're reading it now...I hope it was worth the wait.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Hiatus-Shimatus

Yeah, I know, I've left you hanging for a bit and I apologize. To make up for it, I'm doing something better than post another attempt at comedy I did...
...I'm posting something someone else did:

I wonder how much grant money was spent on swabbin' spiders with drugs? What a great grad assistant job that would be....

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

What Do You Suppose Happened to Number One?

Hey, it's a better name than "Sit & Sh*t"...

Note: For the faithful of Wordless Wednesdays, yeah, I know the photo isn't "wordless," I signed in before I got the gist of the it. I'll try harder next time...honest.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

A Fifth of Uselessness

Like that odd rash, Bet You Didn't Know is back. Get your highlighters and a Red Bull so you cram in every fascinating bit:

In 14 states, Super Delegates actually wear capes. In Iowa, hiring preference is given to those with previous building jumping experience.
After video of the event was exposed, Shorty had to admit that she initially "misspoke" and didn't really go that low at all.
People who say tow-mah-tow are likely to have commitment issues and will frequently call the whole thing off.
No matter how loud you yell at the ear piece, the phone in fact does not work both ways.

and finally (well, for now)...

4 out of 5 people who expect the last item in a list to be the best are usually disappointed.

Keep up, damnit! Read the whole "Bet You Didn't Know" Series.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Nearsighted Insult

Not to channel the spirit of Andy Rooney, but...

Did you ever notice that you can change just about any compliment into an insult by placing the phrase "From a distance" in front of it.

Here are some to get you started:

"You look really attractive."
"You look like you've aged well."
"You can't even see that stain."

Friday, March 21, 2008

Follow Every Intimate Detail

Well, not every detail. But if you use twitter and want to follow my constant (well, occassional) rambles, you can follow me:

http://twitter.com/lazycomic

Imagine hearing every insightful thought that comes into my odd, twisted mind...
....at least the ones that come into my mind when I'm near an internet connection
...and not too lazy to type.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Don't Forget the Sunblock

Nothing like a well-written, funny, slightly disturbing video parody to get the week rolling.

More stuff to come, so stop back soon. Unfortunately, most of it will probably be original.

Friday, March 14, 2008

A Good Set of Bumpers...

I noticed something recently: most of the folks with a "God is my Co-pilot" bumper sticker on their car should probably just let Him drive.

Also, have you noticed that the guys with the "Terrorist Hunting Permit" stickers don't seem to be throwing a very wide net? I mean, if a terrorist shows up at the farmer's market or the Super Walmart, he's a dead man - but otherwise I don't think these guys are gonna pull their limit.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Bet You Didn't Know #4 - Quattro Crappo

We're Baaack...

Just when you thought you knew it all. Here are more faux facts to keep your friends at the knitting club enthralled:

On an average year, 340 foreigners leave American grocery stores horrified after misunderstanding what "baby food" is.
It's predicted that the "No Child Left Behind" Act will eventually guarantee that everyone is smarter than a fifth grader.
Due to improvements in toothpaste, it now takes 20 dental cleanings to create 1 ounce of tartar sauce.
In order to keep Fairy Tales current, the "goose that lays the golden egg" has been replaced by the "antelope that pees 87 octane."

and finally (well, for now)...

Tragically, 15% of parents that buy a "World's Best Daughter" t-shirt have more than one daughter.

Keep up, damnit! Read the whole "Bet You Didn't Know" Series.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Just a Suggestion...

It's perfect - that way he'd be able to run right after Hillary...

...and before Chelsea.

Want a hi-res PDF? Leave a comment with just your e-mail address on this post (see below).

For more political nonsense, click the "p2008" label below.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Growing up Aryan... The Brady Youth

Nothing like parody to bring down the infamous. Overall the video is choppy -- and the production values are wonderfully crappy - but there are some priceless moments - be sure to listen for "the final solution" hair product:

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Rolling the Eternal Dice

Gary Gygax, co-creator of the role playing game Dungeons & Dragons, died yesterday. He was mortally wounded when unable to parry a two-handed sword attack, which did 18 hit points of damage.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Closetapedia?

Here's a new one: What do you call over 2 million people with an interest in homosexuality?

Homosexuals, perhaps?
Maybe "curious?"

Snappy dressers?

According to the stats over at Conservapedia.com, it looks like you'd call them Conservatives. I saw a screen shot showing older stat results over at About.com, but had to go and take a look for myself - here's what I found:

Sure enough, what conservatives appear to want to learn about isn't being conservative...

...it's about being gay.

Now, it's not for me to say that if you're homosexual that you can't be conservative (or vice versa) - heck, there are poor conservatives and that really doesn't make sense.

Maybe you like the pinstripe shirts and power ties....
Maybe you're interest in the death penalty and cheap oil tops your interest in gay rights...
...or maybe you figure that if Republicans are hooking up in the men's room and sending juicy e-mail to male interns then they really aren't that far off base.

Either way, it's a free country (well, sort of).

But seriously, can't we all agree that conservatives are probably not the best source of information on homosexuality?

I mean, you don't go look to Democrats for advice on winning elections or delivering on a mandate, so why look to conservatives for information on homosexuality (#1)...
...or homosexuality and health (#10)
...or homosexuality and anal cancer (#9)?

Is this what conservatives are really concerned about? That would explain a lot.

I mean, if I thought my anal cancer might be a result of my lifestyle choice than I probably wouldn't care about the economy either...or about the war...or about the greenhouse effect. (Heck, another few degrees warmer in DC and the pages will have to wear shorts - maybe there is an agenda here.)

The only other conclusion I can come to is that there are 2 million plus teenagers out there with (1) a sudden "curiosity" and (2) a mom (with a screen name like "NeoConMom67") that prevented the family PC from going to any non-conservative site. So they're left with Bill O'Reilly to explain to them what a "threesome" is, Rush Limbaugh to teach them about how to "doctor-shop," and, of course, Conservapedia.com to teach them about alternative lifestyles.

Now, not all the hot searches were about homosexuality. There were also searches on Conservapedia about Wikipedia. I didn't look, but I'd bet Conservapedia describes the later as a "an evil response to Conservapedia created by communist professors, the liberal media, and, of course, Wiccans.*"

*Actually, I did look. They don't claim that it has anything to do with Wiccans, and they don't disagree that Wikipedia came first. As for the evil leftist design at Wikipedia, I was pretty much dead on.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Don't Judge a Mag by It's Cover

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Yesterday's Top Stories

Rumors circulated this week that Senator John McCain (71) was romantically involved with a female lobbyist. In related news, the number of male senior citizens interested in running for Senate is up by 300%...
...while the number of women interested in being lobbyists has fallen by 94%.

Hillary Clinton has now lost eight primaries in a row, prompting her to change her campaign theme to "Consistency."

Finally, in order to force the Senate to pay attention to the needs in war-torn Iraq, Soldiers are reportedly paying Iraqi athletes to publicly confess to using steroids.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Bet You Didn't Know III - Menagerie a Trois

They say the third time's the charm, and here's something to prove that wrong. More fascinating, useless and, ultimately, fake facts to share with the odd-looking guy at the coffee shop. Enjoy.

Bet You Didn't Know...

Jimmy Buffet's grandfather became famous for inventing all-you-can-eat dining.
On a related note, controversial studies have show that, when forced, most people could actually eat more.
Scientist now believe that when no one is around to hear, trees actually lay down quietly.
John McCain is so pale he's been known to blind on-coming drivers at night.
Over 70% of the population is taller than average.
Einstein had an unpublished theory that taking large amounts of caffeine didn't make your heart beat faster, but in fact made the rest of the universe move slower.

and finally...

Ironically, most people with mullets actually do very little business up front.

"Bet You Didn't Know" isn't like LOST - you can miss one and still keep up, but what's the fun it that? To see all the things you didn't know, Click Here...now.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Piece be with you

I saw today on one of the tabloids that Dr. Phil is Falling Apart.

I hope he's falling into small pieces, so the average family can afford to buy one.

Monday, February 18, 2008

A Bush in the Hand

As you may have heard, former President George H.W. Bush today endorsed John McCain for President. Reportedly, the elder Bush initially offered to do anything he could to help McCain, but then had to back pedal after McCain asked if he could convince George W. to endorse Huckabee.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Now look what you did...

Well, I've been thinking for a while that it might be time to change the template. For one thing, I had messed with the last one so much the code was kinda like CSS/HTML vomit: you couldn't kinda tell what it was supposed to be, but you really didn't want to look at for too long.

Also, Blogger (where I blog) now has some cool WYSIWYG features for their "new" templates that pride...and laziness...were holding me back from.

That said, I was still taking my sweet time getting to the conversion, until I went in to make a just a few tweaks to my previous template. A "Save" later and the blog was basically useless - I don't think it was showing the posts at all, and well, that's kind of a deal-breaker.

So here we are, with the 2nd new template of the day (if you're looking at rounded rectangles on a blue background that is...if not, then I've messed with it AGAIN since I wrote this).

This one has a lot of what I'm looking for (in case you cared) - like a good window casing, or a rental tux, it shrinks and expands a little bit, but not enough to get too bent outta shape. It's easy to read, works with the stuff I'm adding, and hip enough to look like I might know what I'm doing. I have no idea if it works on iPhones, Blackberries or with every browser on the block - but I can bet my old template had issues in at least some of these areas.

Anyway, I'm sure they'll be more edits, etc. as time moves forward. Just wanted to let you know that if you thought this was now a new blog you're outta luck.

You're still stuck with this one.

The G.I. Trifecta

I had to make a late-night run to the 24 hour drug store the other night - and not the fun kind. You know, the pit stop between parties when you grab Doritos, eye drops, Red Bull and aspirin and you're off to the next hot spot.

That's not to say there wasn't a sense of urgency involved in this trip, but it had nothing to do with getting my groove on. So I hurry into the store, run to the aisle marked "stomach" (although let's face it, it wasn't really my stomach I was worried about) and stop in sheer awe of the selections available to me.

It's amazing our G.I. systems work at all. From entry to exit, it seems that there's a potion or pill for every step of the way. Still, the section that stopped me dead in my tracks though was neither a pill nor a potion (at least not one you swallow)...

...it was the enemas.

There were rows of them. Not being a connoisseur, I was awed by the sheer variations on a theme. You have to pity the poor guy who has to come and choose - it must be like when your parents send you to your room to decide your own punishment...or to the woods to pick your own switch.

Then I saw the most depressing option: the multi-pack.

I'm sure there may be a condition that requires more than one enema, but it has got to be a rare, brave soul who is willing to admit upfront that one won't do the job.

I suppose you could use the second enema as a warning. I'll explain...

Say it was a fondness for cheese that got you into this predicament of needing an enema in the first place. You take the second enema and place it in your dairy drawer and you'll always be reminded to take it easy on the dairy.

Come to think of it, that would probably keep everyone else away from your dairy selections as well.

Sadly, it gets worse: they even make a 3-pack of enemas. Unless you're throwing a party, I sincerely hope there's a prayer to recite and a stick to bite on in the box as well. And seriously, whatever it was - stop eating it.

Thankful for a moment that my problem would not require one nor three self-violations, I got the medicine I came for and turned around.

Across from the stomach treatments were the adult diapers (which may be fitting) and one other item that seemed, well, out of place: facial tissue.

Now, aside from the people who realize that yes, they're gonna need that three-pack, it's not your face that needs a lot of tissue when you're in the "stomach" aisle. But no, in some cruel game, they put the toilet paper on the other side of the store...

...although also in the back. This decision to place anti-nausea, anti-diarrheal and adult diapers at the rear of the store (pun intended) seems to be poor planning. Personally, you'd think having all the stomach-related items near the front of the store would be in everyone's best interest.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Shout Out

Well, we've lost a lot in this election: Rudy, John Edwards, Mitt, Joe Biden, that other guy that kinda looked like Joe Biden, smarmy John Edwards, not-so-smarmy Fred Thompson - even Dennis K (and his hottie wife)...

...but at least, among the 24/7 analysis of who's gaining among the all important 18-24-year-old-blondes-with-a-unibrow demographic -

- there's still a little humor.

Here's one I thought was brilliant. Take a look:

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Bet You Didn't Know - Number 2

You asked for it (well, no you actually didn't), here are more incredible, entertaining, thoroughly-unproven pieces of "infotainment" to share with your friends, clergy and local representatives.

Bet You Didn't Know...

Because of their solitary nature, it was actually rare for hermits to have crabs.
Floor and Door both have the common latin root -oor, which means "stiff and flat." Likewise, the term "poor" originally referred to people who had starved to death and were, therefore, stiff and flat.
George W. Bush is the 30th President who could not pronounce the word "nuclear." However, the other 29 were elected before the word came into existence.
The meat industry is suppressing promising research that would lead to peas that taste and look like ham.
If you scream "Bloody Mary" into the bathroom mirror 13 times, someone who was sleeping will come kick your ass.

More coming soon, so go to lazycomic.blogspot.com and hit refresh every 15 seconds.

...or click here to see the first installment of BYDK.